Razors on his Bathroom Floor
by Jace22
Summary: REPOST There are razors on his bathroom floor and a perfect soldier hero boy sent to pull him up from the wrekage. 1x2, 1x5, 2p5p2, 3x4, 1x2x5 warnings: lime, yaoi, mentions of cutting,alchohal,drugs COMPLETE
1. chapter 1

Chapter 19 and chapter 7 are posted on my livejournal. please drop a comment there. 7 is there for it's sex scene, and 19 is there because it's new and I wasn't sure I would get it posted by today...but I did...but it's there anyway XD

My account was deleted, so sorry. Please drop reviews again, it will truly be my motivation for the final chapter.

Razors on his Bathroom Floor 

He's a fast talking, quick thinking, sharp witted, killing machine all in one lean, pretty eyed, long haired boy. He takes in the dance floor like he owns the whole place. Calm as a cat stretching in the sun, restless as a dog that's trapped in a too small yard. He watches the people from far away, the pretty girls who don't look so nice when they're right in your face, makeup so caked on and fake. He takes in the sultry boys with their soft, pouting lips, waiting for some curvy girl to come swaying her hips and licking her lips, wanting to dance her fears and insecurities away.

Or are they waiting for a boy like him? Are they all waiting for his dark eyes to focus on them? Are they all waiting to bask in his warmth, hold his attention, and have a fleeting fling with a dangerous guy with a dark spirit like him?

He gives the room his once over, beats of the songs making him itch to dance and feel the rhythm pulsate and vibrate through his veins. He takes a few more sips of his drink before promptly abandoning it, not planning to return to it after going away. Too many perverts eying him up ready to drug him up at any moment. He begins to walk away from that glass of what seems to be his life energy at times. But wait. He hesitates. And with a quick change of heart he turns and gulps the rest of the drink down, addicted to the burning poison running down his throat and clogging his mind. Finally everything is a delicious shade of blurry and he's ready to dance his heart out.

Hours and Hours fly by without notice or remorse. He dances and feels something he's been missing; something he's been craving, wanting, lacking, and needing. If only for a moment it's better than nothing. He's high for a fragment of time on something better than drugs and he's drunk for a moment on something better than love.

Then it creeps up behind him, innocently at first. It begins with a thought of how free he feels, but that leads him to questioning why things can't always feel so good. When did the world go so dark? Without a friend in sight or a purpose in life what other shade or color could the world be than black? When did they all get their lives in order and walk away from him? Could they all live without these bursts of adrenaline, the alcohol rushing through their blood, the taste of a cigarette after a one night stand? Why was he the only one wandering, a helpless shadow gliding unnoticed through the streets at night?

He dances with an anger beating somewhere deep inside of him, why doesn't he have love? Why doesn't he have someone to go home to that will just understand the hell he's been through and why he's so fucked up in the head? Why doesn't he have someone to crawl home to when he's drunk and needs a pair of hands to hold his braid away while he pours his pain and frustration out through his throat? He just wants someone who's going to know exactly what he's been missing. Someone whose been missing the same things. Someone whose going to make him complete and to whom he'll do the same.

There's a hand on my shoulder, he thinks with detached causality. There's a whisper in my ear, a familiar voice from the past. It's growing too loud now.

"DUO!"

"Who…?"

"You're crying…?"

"Heeey, Heero old buddy, whaave you been up to theesee daysss?" He slurs with a drunken unawareness of what's going on. In his mind it's an odd contrast to the overwhelming peace dancing gives him. He tries to sort out what he thinks he's really seeing, there's always a chance that it's a hazy illusion brought on by his futile wishes, it's happened before so why not again? But maybe it really could be that a distressed Heero is shaking his shoulders trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with his lighthearted friend.

"I came looking for you."

"Eh? Why would ya do someeethin' liiike that now?"

"Because you haven't….I can't talk to you while you're like this. Come on." He grabs his arm and drags him out and away from the seedy, bar where all the sad people like him roam; trying to find someone to share with their life story and the quarrels they have with the world.

"Where we goin'?" He sinks down and the arm around his shoulder hoists him up wrapping tighter around him. It's just like the war, he thinks, and can't help the hot, twisting feeling rising through his body.

"I'll take you back to my motel room and then…I'm going to make sure you're alright."

"Why?"

"You're my friend."

"Haven't seen you in forever." He mumbles.

"Your own fault. Come on it's only a little farther. You can make it."

"Unn I don't thin' tha I can make it…"

"Don't whine. And don't puke on me either."

"I won' puke on you, but I migh' hafta when wee get to yoouree room. Ok k Hee…?"

"Yeah it's fine. Duo, I want to know…a few things about your life when you're sober again. I just don't get it; I didn't think Wufei was being serious. I thought he was exaggerating."

"Fei told ya about mee?"

"Yeah. We'll talk later."

Duo feels the arm tighten again to maintain balance as he unlocks and opens the door to his motel room.

He falls into a bed, and he's glad for some solid ground. He closes his eyes and tries to stop the spinning and motion and thoughts and anguish. He doesn't realize he slept until he's woken up to run to the bathroom and be rid of some of the toxins in his body.

And then Heero's there, pulling at his braid, "Don't let it fall in the toilet; you won't want to worry about washing that out when you get up in the morning."

So logical as always, comprehending every inch of the situation, actions and consequences and what they entail. At least, Duo thinks, I would be able to think of a witty answer if I wasn't puking my guts out. One up on Heero, he thinks but with less enthusiasm, and it's only party because another spasm has hit him.

It isn't until some time the next day when his hangover isn't as painful and he can think with a little more ease that he realizes that Heero was holding his braid away from his face, every strand of hair in fact. It wasn't a pull or a tug and it didn't hurt on the contrary, it was oddly gentle and careful, and once again it seems to him that Heero knows how to handle every situation in some shape or form.

He wakes up the next morning with his head pounding. He used to hate hangovers but now it's almost like a comforting friend. It's quite sad when you think about it, so Duo just pretends it's something amusing instead.

Heero is up sipping some coffee and typing on his laptop. From what he sees it's an e-mail to Wufei. He wonders if they're just close friends or far far more. It wouldn't surprise him. Not one bit. He'd heard they were partners, living together as well. And if that wasn't a clue—the two solitary, stubborn, soldiers living together—then he wasn't sure what was anymore.

Wasn't there anyone who was lonely like him left anymore?

Heero closes his laptop and turns around when Duo stands behind him. "Sleep well?" He asks and says dryly "I haven't heard that much groaning since Wufei attended one of Relena's parties."

"Ah familiar Yuy sarcasm, how I have missed thee!" And as the words fall from his lips he feels the truth in them and it gives him a funny, soft feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Here," Heero pushes a steaming cup of coffee towards the seat across from him. "It's soothing."

Duo doesn't think he'll drink any of the caffeinated substance—he's never had a taste for coffee and neither has Heero (or so he thought)—but the heat radiating from the mug relaxes him as he rests his hands against it. "When did _you_ start drinking coffee? I thought you hated the stuff."

He thinks "About 4 months ago, I think. Now it seems I can't function without it."

"I'm surprised you don't know the date and time."

"January 3rd, 6:35 A.m." He replies mechanically.

Duo blinks and then breaks into a grin. "If you weren't you I'd think you were joking about that. You're crazy Heero you know that?"

He's rewarded with a small smile. "You seem to be doing alright for someone who spent half the night with his head in a toilet and a nasty hangover to boot."

"Ahh…it's not so bad. I'm used to it I guess. Besides, I have to take advantage of this time; it's not so often that I am graced with the presence of the perfect soldier known as Heero Yuy."

He watches almost with satisfaction as Heero winces at the title. "I would have visited sooner if I'd…"

"Realized that poor Duo was lonely?"

Heero glares at him "Wait a second, why am I letting you do this to me? You're the one who never returned my phone calls, or e-mails or even letters. I came because I wanted to see for myself what you were doing with yourself and your life. It seems like it's pretty much falling apart."

"Heero, you saw me at a club dancing last night, how is that screwing up my life? Everything is perfectly fine, I'm looking for a new job and apartment and I'm sure I'll make some new friends pretty soon." He knows his life is screwed up but Heero has no visual proof for himself.

"If that repulsive place is called a club than my apartment is a fucking palace. You aren't happy at all, when I found you last night you were crying and looked like all the other lost causes in there. I bet your apartment is exactly like Wufei said it was and I bet you're telling me the same shit you told him when he came.

I'm just shocked he didn't force you to come back with him. He usually has a better grasp of reality and good sense to know when someone needs help."

"Wufei likes to let people work out their own problems, unlike some people. I'm not his responsibility and he knows that."

Heero snorted "He probably was just hoping for the best. He probably couldn't stand to think that your life really was falling apart, that Duo Maxwell wasn't as happy and strong as we all thought. He was probably so disgusted and ashamed by the way you live. No one likes to be freed from delusions." Even Heero seems to see he went too far and his tone was too scathing.

"SHUT UP!" The force in his own voice shocks Duo, as does the look in Heero's eyes; a mixture of surprise, anger and confusion. Duo can't stop himself from continuing on, his voice so filled with fury and truth that his body shakes from the effort "I'm sick of you guys coming to me and telling me I'm fucked up. Telling me that I need to get my life in order just like you all have. You don't even know the half of it _Yuy_, you think you're so fucking perfect, but you know what? Not everyone's like you; some things actually can lodge themselves into your mind and destroy you from the inside. You seem to think if I'm surrounded by all of your happiness things will just instantly be better. Let me tell you that there's a fucking delusion that you need to be freed from."

Heero's hand is clenched so tightly around his mug that Duo expects it to break in a moment. "I never said that you'd suddenly be happy! It's something though, to be surrounded by people who understand what you went through and what you're going through now. If you're there we can help you and the loneliness won't have such an easy time getting to you. I see that now." He sits quietly for a minute, taking in what he said and collecting his thoughts once more.

Finally he continues on "And don't you ever say that things don't eat me alive, don't you dare say that I can't understand anything that you're feeling. I've felt it all too Duo, I just handle it in a different way than you or even Wufei, Trowa and Quatre. My life isn't in order, or at least not in the sense you think it is. I just have an idea of what I want and what I need. You just need to gain sight of what exactly it is you're looking for."

After all the rage lies in the air between them and out of their bodies they lapse into an unsure silence. They stare at each other trying to figure out what they're thinking and what to say, until Duo finally speaks. "I went to see Quatre once."

He nods, "So I was told."

"Did he tell you how I left a few days earlier than intended?"

"Yes."

"Did he tell about how I almost lost it there?"  
"…No…." Duo catches the slight glance away but decides to ignore it.

"I don't think he even really knows what happened. One moment I was fine and the next I was so angry I left in the middle of the night. I don't think he even knew there was more anger inside me, he knew there was some, but he didn't know I left because I was going even crazier than I let on."

"Duo you aren't making any sense."

"Are you going to smother me with your joy, Heero? Are you going to understand if I have to leave in the middle of the night because I feel like the anger is going to consume me and my soul?"

"I'll do my best for you."

"Then maybe I'll go to your home." He thinks for a minute, "Are you going to judge me based on your own lifestyle and pretenses?"

"…No..."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes."

"Alright…then can I please go home? My head hurts and I want to get a few things."

"I'll go check out."

Duo wonders, Would Heero really understand if he ran away from them all again but maybe this time for good? If he was never able to speak to him or see him again, would he understand and let it alone? Or would he keep fighting for him? Would he want Heero to keep trying, or would he really want to sink into the ice of the shadows?


	2. chapter 2

Disclaimer: (Since I forgot before…) I don't own Gundam Wing or any of the gorgeous male…err…characters from it. Nor do I make any money off these stories that I derive so much pleasure from writing.

Summary: He's a lost cause, hopeless, bag of misery and he…he is his perfect soldier, hero boy sent to pull him up from the wreckage.

Pairings: I'm pretty sure they're all set now…1x2/2x1, 1x5x1, 2+5/5+2, 3x4, maybe others to in the future.

Thanks to any and all who read, reviewed or both. Your feedback makes my day. A special thanks to Bell and Maxter for previewing every chapter of this fic that I send.

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 2

Mid afternoon Heero checks out of the Motel and between winces and groans Duo verbally directs him to his home. With unsteady hands Duo finally unlocks the door, as Heero waits not so patiently by his side, seemingly ready to at any moment grab the key and unlock the door himself.

Duo takes an Advil and flops down on his couch with a hand pressed against his forehead, watching carefully—and a little nervously—as Heero wanders around his apartment. There isn't very much space to wander in though. It's a shabby place that seems to be falling apart every which way you look.

He steps into the small space that should not legally be called a kitchen. Heero has seen nicer closets inside of run down safe houses that they stayed in during the war. The stove doesn't even work, he finds, as he tries to turn it on. The fridge has some sort of grotesque, red stain that can just barely pass for sauce. He leaves that area, beginning to see what he'd been expecting and more.

The kitchen may have been unpleasant but compared to the bathroom it's just that. He steps in and immediately his eyes don't like what they see. There's broken razor blades scattering the floor along with drops of blood, vomit, and what he assumes is seamen. Yes it definitely is, he thinks and he grimaces. The shower stall is cracked, dirty and unsuitable for even the foulest of creature to use. Next to it the sink and toilet are no better, the sink with its broken handles which only work if you pull very hard. No, the cold water doesn't even work; Heero jerks his hand away as the water begins to turn his skin an angry shade of red. Next to the sink the toilet lies upon chipped tiles and dirt. The seat is a plush type, its split down the center, and there's some sort of mold taking over the inside. He cringes inwardly. He doesn't want Duo in this place anymore. He'd thought Wufei had been exaggerating…but, he hadn't even told the half of it.

"Duo?" He gladly escapes the bathroom that gives him a dirty, disgusted feeling.

"Yeah?" There's a bite to his words now that he isn't drunk and Heero dually notes that Duo sounds a lot less endearing and helpless now that he's sober, and a lot more annoyed, defensive, and angry.

"What…do you do?"

"Drugs? Cutting? Alcohol?" He sneers, words blunt and challenging.

"Yes."

The bite disappears and he sounds almost tired. "I stopped cutting a while ago Heero, so don't worry about that. I just keep them in there as decoration." He stopped a little while back because finally he realized there was nothing inside him that he wanted to see anymore. He wouldn't find any redemption or forgiveness under his skin. He only saw his own blood and even that wasn't enough anymore.

"I want you to come back with me."

"Why?"

"You need help. You're lonely and suffering. Pouring all your pain into all those things isn't healthy. You need a friend." Heero sounds serious…genuine….something Duo hasn't heard from anyone in a long time; but then again what else would he expect from Heero? He's never been anything but. Always leave it to him to tell it like it is or at least how he sees it.

"You don't owe me anything."

"I owe you a lot more than that." He corrects smoothly as if Duo has had simply pronounced someone's name wrong.

"Please…" Duo mutters.

"You gave us all a light during the war…even if we didn't show you that at the time. The fact any of us can hold one fond memory of the time is because of you. We all want to help you, Duo." Heero says earnestly.

Duo, thrown off by Heero's sincerity, can't help but blink at him, no quick reply reaches his mouth in the moments after, leaving a long silence that makes the air taste funny in his mouth.

"What did Wufei tell you?"

"He told me you were living in a hell hole of your own creation. He told me you were depressed, angry, and ready to let yourself rot in your foul excuse for a home."

"Fei said that?" he can't help but give a small smile. Wufei had said the same thing before he left.

"Come back with me?"

_Heero Yuy is pleading with me_, he thinks with wonderment and a surge of power; _this must mean something_.

"Do you really think I can overcome all my problems by coming back with you?" He asks and raises an eyebrow, daring him to answer. Wanting to see how Heero will respond.

Heero looks intent and full of words that he's never had to sort before "You're strong Duo; I think you'll be able to pull yourself back up without too much trouble, you're just going through a rough time right now. Though, you'll probably need to see someone to talk to. Someone other than us. Maybe Sally, I don't know. But it's something isn't it? To be with people who…care" he seems to stumble over the word "about you is something. Maybe some things will start to go away once you're back with me…us…everyone. It's better than leaving you here to let yourself live here with the rats."

Despite being slightly insulted by Heero's last statement Duo nods his head and goes to pack his bags. It doesn't take him too long; he doesn't have very many things; or that is, very many things that are worth taking.

He looks behind him, making sure Heero isn't about to sneak up on him. When he feels sure Heero isn't coming he reaches his hand underneath his pillow and fishes around for what he's looking for. His fingers touch on plastic and he pulls out a picture frame. It's a silly, funny frame that Duo had found at a gift shop one day when he had decided to try to get out and do more things than mope around his apartment. He'd had overpowering days like those sometimes; days where he wanted to heal and start over. But those days were becoming less and less frequent since he'd begun to realize the feelings of self-improvement never lasted.

The picture frame was covered with tiny hearts and the words 'friends' up and down each side. He couldn't help but laugh when he saw it and thought of putting in the picture that had been taken of him, the other pilots and Relena. He found it uncanny and very funny to have goofy red hearts above Heero and Wufei's heads. He'd decided to use the picture as a dream catcher of sorts to help ward off his nightmares.

He gently tucks the frame into his bag and begins to open his drawers and sift through his clothing. Of what little he has he pretty much alternates between the same jeans and shirts, being too lazy and worried to throw out any extra clothes just in case he ever needs something else to wear. Like if he manages to somehow ruin all his other clothing and that's all he has left. Or if he finally reaches a day where he can't even bring himself to do the laundry.

When he walks out Heero is once again on his laptop, typing away. Duo finds himself falling into the rhythmic fast paced clicking, like it's a song. His mind even begins to interpret it into a tune of a song he'd heard at the club last night, before Heero had shoved himself into Duo's life and into the role of his _babysitter_, Duo thinks the word with a mixture of anger and wonderment. Should he feel flattered that Heero had bothered with him?

"Duo what are you doing?"

"Listening to you type."

"Why are you doing that?" Heero looks at Duo as if this is a sign that something is wrong with him. Something about the look irks Duo.

"Because it's hypnotizing? I dunno Heero it's just something I'm doing! People don't always have a reason for doing things, you know?"

They both wear looks of exasperation.

"Alright, I'm sorry. You can listen to me type." Heero says dryly.

Duo's a bit surprised at hearing the word sorry in a voice that sure _sounds_ like Heero's, but at the same time it sounds exactly how he'd imagined it would be like. He admits he's had fantasies about Heero apologizing for numerous things…all starting with the time he stole his parts from his Gundam. Duo holds in a sharp laugh that's started to rise up his throat, it sounds like something so childish and from so long ago. Gundam parts could easily become toy or girlfriend. Heero really was different then, he can't see the Heero in front of him running off with his Gundam parts or anything else really. The laughter rises again but he simply shoots out "That's all I ask."

Heero rolls his eyes upwards and seems to be silently pleading with Duo's crumbling ceiling. "Our shuttle leaves at 6:30, so we should probably eat dinner soon. Any suggestions?"

"Yeah, actually…"

XxXxXx

"Why are we here?" Heero asks as he feels another thump from the other side of the booth.

"It's fun here." Duo insists.

"This is what you call fun?" Heero grits out "If he kicks me one more time…"

Duo smiles into his burger "Oh c'mon Heero, he's adorable. He keeps peeking over to see if you're looking. He wants your attention."

"Hn."

"Don't 'hn' me, what are you going to do when you have kids?"

Heero's eyes widen, "Kids?"  
"Yeah kids. You are going to have them one day aren't you?"

"I don't know." Heero seems like a caged bird, flapping desperately against the bars but with no way to escape.

"Please don't tell me you haven't even thought about it."

"I have…I just haven't come to any reasonable conclusions."

"Once you meet the right person it'll be easier to decide…Whether it's with a man or women." Duo adds as an afterthought, searching Heero's eyes for a reaction, a hint, or even the flash of a face, no matter how unlikely any of those are.

To his credit Heero doesn't blanch, although that seems like something Wufei would do…Heero is sensible and processes these things while Wufei is more verbally and visibly outraged and confused by the type of things Duo is able to randomly bring up in conversations. He's comfortable talking about these things while Heero and Wufei try to dance, tiptoe and just plain run from and around subjects, doing anything to avoid talking about them.

"When the right person comes along…"

The conversation dies out after that and they finish their food. Duo notices when the family behind them leaves, and he sees that Heero has noticed their departure as well. He can tell from the way his eyes darted to the side. If he hadn't memorized so many of Heero's motions during the war he might not have even seen it.

XxXxXx

"Duo we're leaving. Now."

"5 more minutes 'Ro? Please?" Duo says picking up a plastic space model.

"No! If I give you another 5 minutes we'll miss our shuttle."

Duo waves his hand "No we won't."

Heero growls in response and Duo mutters "fine fine we'll have it your way. But watch Mr. Punctual we'll have so much spare time that you'll wish you had given me another _10_ minutes."

"You're probably right, after so much time hearing you talk I'll probably wish I had just left you to look at these cheesy souvenirs." He took the space model Duo was holding and looked at the price. "God, I can't understand why people would want to shop here; it's all a bunch of over-priced crap anyway."

Duo snickers "They think its fun Heero, something you don't know very much about. When you go on a trip you want to remember it and all the fun you had. The souvenir is like a little memory representative."

Heero scoffs "If it was so good wouldn't you just _remember_ what happened. You don't need a keychain or pen to remember it by."

Before Duo can answer Heero's already headed out the door, without even checking behind him to make sure Duo is coming.

Duo stands still for a moment trying to force down his anger. Heero doesn't understand anything and he certainly doesn't even bother to listen to his thoughts or opinions. Heero's made such a big deal about wanting to help him and all, but meanwhile he doesn't change his own attitude or act much nicer to him.

Even though his anger hasn't cooled at all, he stalks off after Heero and dreads the trip that is doomed to be lasting and painful.

TBC


	3. chapter 3

Sorry this took some time, I had a horrible vacation to go on Shudders thank god I'm home now. Hopefully quick updates, I'm finishing up chapter 8 now.

All you reviewers and people that are reading and not reviewing: I love you all and besides the actual writing, you make my world go round

Disclaimer: Yadda Yadda I don't own it….

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 3

They board their shuttle and find their seats. Duo waits for Heero to sit down but he remains still, he looks towards Duo as if he's waiting.

"Heero? Aren't you going to sit down?"

He seems unsure of how to ask this "Do you want the window seat?"

Duo raises an eyebrow but shrugs and says, "Yeah sure."

He slides into the seat and Heero sits down beside him. Duo waits silently as people around them take their seats and finally as they begin to depart. He knows there are questions he wanted to ask Heero but now most of the words have run away. He turns to Heero "Hee..?" but he's already fallen asleep.

He stirs. "Get some rest Duo, you'll need it." And then he quiets, falling into a dream world that's probably beautiful but plagued with demons that hide in the shade of apple tree's and peer out to watch from inside rose bush's.

Duo closes his eyes and tries to do as Heero said, but then the anxiety kicks in. How will he face seeing everyone again? How are they going to act? How should he act? Are they going to treat him like glass and be cautions around him? His eyes twitch as the thoughts and scenarios and conversations run through his mind.

Someone shakes his arm. "Duo?"

"Heero?"

"Are you ok? You were making sounds in your sleep."

When did I fall asleep he wonders. He looks up and Heero's staring at him with that same intent, searching look. "Do you want to…talk about something? Can I do anything?"

"No…What? Heero, why are you acting like this?"

"Acting like what?" Heero appear to be genuinely confused and Duo can't help but be shocked that Heero doesn't seem to get it _at all._

"You keep treating me like I'm a child or something. Stop it!"

Heero looks frustrated "You get angry when I act normal and you get angry when I'm nice to you. What do you want from me Duo?"

"You aren't acting normal! You haven't acted normal the whole time we've been together. No 'Duo no baka, idiot, or moron' no dismissive grunts no death glares. You are not normal! Just different variations of weird! You're either pushing me out of a souvenir shop or asking me if I'm ok and need to **talk**. Heero you hate talking. Even your sarcastic comments aren't normal, just act like you did before!"

Heero lowers his eyes "You know Duo maybe I've just changed a little bit more than you expected."

"Well…but…No! You're still…" Suddenly he can't remember any words from any language. He wishes he had a magical dictionary implanted in his brain that specialized in expressing his thoughts in comprehensible ways.

Heero shakes his head at him "Fine just go back to sleep or whatever it is you want to do."

Is Heero hurt? Duo watches the side of Heero's face, jaw clenching slightly, lips set in a hard line. Maybe Heero has changed and hasn't been acting strangely. Maybe this really is his idea of being normal. Maybe Duo's just looking too closely for things to attack Heero about. To take his anger out on.

"Hey look, I'm sorry Heero. Maybe we've both changed so much we have to learn how to co-exist again."

Heero nods and doesn't seem too angry because the jaw clenching ceases and his lips relax into a neutral position. A new more sad and pensive look has taken over his face.

Duo tentatively puts a hand on his shoulder and says "Thanks for, you know, trying and all. It's nice to know that someone cares enough about me to make sure I'm alright."

Heero tilts his head at him, questioning his sudden attitude change, but he says nothing. He merely nods and turns his head away and Duo hears his breathing slow and ease.

He looks at the window, memories of a time before Heero and the others playing before his eyes as he gazes out into the depths of space. He closes his eyes and can feel the rush of piloting Deathsythe and the freedom he'd had tastes of. His own breathing deepens and he falls into a peaceful sleep.

"We're here." Heero says as he nudges Duo's shoulder. "You really were tired; you've been out for hours." Heero muses and pushes some of Duo's hair out of his eyes.

Confusion erupts inside of Duo at the strangely intimate and nurturing gesture, but the only thought that enters his mind is 'remember this is not the Heero you are accustomed to…This is a strange and partially alien Heero. Same basic design and model but with some tweaks to his nicer side.'

An hour later they're in a car, racing down a highway, Heero steering calmly while Duo twists his hands around each other nervously. Duo begins to feel trapped in the small space of the car so he rolls down the window and lets the wind hit his face. It's so loud the radio is drowned out and there's only the muffled sound of a lead singer screaming his heart out.

He's suddenly aware that Heero is trying to tell him something. "Wait a second I can't hear you!"

He rolls the window back up and feels trapped again, but tries to sit still and focus on Heero's words.

"Wufei isn't going to be with us for another few days. He wanted to be there but a mission came up, Preventers mission," He says as if Duo might not know this, "he won't be back for a little while."

Duo wonders if the relief is visible on his face. "Well that'll give me some time to prepare for his wrath."

Heero smiles and shrugs "The best advice I can give is to sit back and look like you're listening intently while tuning out anything that he probably doesn't mean. Don't take much he says personally there, it's the anger talking."

They must really know each other well, the realization hits Duo again and he isn't sure if it amazes or bothers him. 'Am I going to be able to stand living with these two?' He sighs and hopes for the best.

"Don't be nervous."

Duo opens his mouth to say something but Heero interrupts.

"I mean if you are that is."

"Right."

"I mean it. If they…if anyone does anything that bothers you I'll stop them."

What if the one posing the most threat is you? Duo's mind snaps back. But he's grateful to hear that someone is going to be trying to help him with that. Heero's usually good about sensing when people—or maybe it's just himself and sometimes the other pilots—are feeling bothered or upset even if he doesn't know how to act himself sometimes.

"I hope that they don't treat me any differently. I want them to act like I'm still their friend, not someone who needs help. I'm not all that miserable, not all the time anyway. I'm still normal. I don't want to be treated like a kid."

"You won't be. Duo…we just couldn't stand that we hadn't made more of an effort to help you even though we knew things weren't right. No one liked to see you suffer, but no one knew if you'd let them help." And as Heero pauses after saying that Duo's pretty sure they're both wondering how come Heero was the one. "I don't think you even realize how you came across to people when they visited you or vice versa. In fact, Trowa told me you wouldn't even show him your apartment when he first went to see you."

Duo remembers that. It was back when he thought he was just living there temporarily until he got more money and found a better place. He hadn't wanted Trowa to see the mess and judge him, but after awhile he stopped being worried and ashamed and didn't give a shit who saw him and what was going on.

"I really think you're making too much of a big deal about this."

"You wouldn't be saying that if you were found on the side of the road bleeding out your head and dying of overdose." Heero replied.

"You really think that's the direction my life is headed in?"

"It could be if everyone just abandoned you and stopped caring about you."

Duo contemplates this, would he be just as upset, if not more, if they all just forgot about him and went on with their own lives and each other and were happy without him? No. He doesn't want that either. He just wants to skip ahead to a time where he can just be a regular part of their lives already and where he fits in and is treated like everyone else. He almost doesn't realize his eyes have closed and that he just wants to fall asleep again.

XXX

"Home sweet home." Heero says from beside him.

Duo yawns and stretches in his seat. He looks out the window and at the charming house that Heero has parked in front of. His eyes begin to clear from sleep and he sees that it's a rather nice place. It's on the smaller side but not miniature and cottage like. If it were one of those things he would have to laugh out loud at the thought of Heero and Wufei staying there. Together. Alone. Duo's mouth turns into a funny expression.

"Quatre and Trowa stay with us a lot; they're always coming through here. It's more like 4 people sometimes than 2." He scans Duo's face "I…We didn't pick the house out. It was Quatre who thought it would be perfect and he was the one who offered to pay. It suits my needs so I'm not one to complain." He shrugs and seems to want some sort of approval or acknowledgement from Duo.

Duo feels a little left out but that's silly he tells himself. He gives a Heero a small smile "Oh yeah. That's nice."

"Here I'll help you with your bags." Heero is referring to the one bag that Duo brought with him.

"It's ok, I can get it. Really." He adds as he sees Heero prepare to protest.

He slings the bag over his shoulder and walks up onto the porch of the house; Heero unlocks and opens the door then steps aside for Duo, at the same time Duo pauses to allow Heero entrance.

"Uh…"

"Do you…"

"No it's fine." God, this is another repeat of the damn shuttle, Duo thinks with some exasperation, but a feeling of warmth seeps through the exasperation and Duo's confused as to what this means. He can't understand Heero's strange actions anymore; they don't seem to hold the same logic that they used to.

"Are you sure…Go ahead…"

"Why is this causing so much confusion?" Duo asks. He'd be amused if this wasn't so surreal and awkward. Heero Yuy is worrying about something so trivial like this. His whole face screams unease and confusion. He can't wait to see how Heero and Wufei manage together.

"I have no idea." Heero says honestly and waves his hand for Duo to walk in.

Duo's tempted to put up a "polite" fight just to see Heero squirm. He still maintains his sense of humor, however offbeat and twisted it can be at times. He wants to conduct experiments with Heero as his test subject. He wants to know just what makes the Perfect Soldier tick now. But to make Heero's life easier he obliges and walks into the house.

His eyes wander all over the room, it's a rather spacious living room with matching furniture (a couch, an arm chair and a love seat) that leads Duo to believe that Quatre's spending and taste didn't end with the house. It wasn't un-suiting to Heero and Wufei though; it wasn't feminine or too…bright and cheery. It just fit right. Almost too right. Things weren't supposed to be so _right_. It makes Duo feel out of place and upset.

"We left the designing to Quatre as well." Heero mumbles, mistaking Duo's silence for something more judgmental on his behalf.

"It's nice." Duo assures. "I like the piano." He points the large black Baby Grand piano that's nestled in the back of the living room in front of a large, cheerful looking window.

Heero grunts and turns away from Duo, facing the stairs. "Come on I'll show you your room."

"…My room?"

The reason for Duo's displeasure seems to dawn on Heero "Ah…It's the guest room I just wanted you to feel…welcome."

Duo glares at him "How long have you been planning this?" How long have you guys been discussing my fucking life?

"Not very…Duo! Just…don't get all crazy on me. Relax, we weren't planning anything, we just wanted you to feel welcome if you did decide to come back with me. Ok?" Heero gives Duo that same scanning, searching look that makes Duo want to swat at his face crazily to make Heero stop.

"Yeah it's fine. Really fine. Great, thanks Heero." Try. To. Show. Some. Gratitude. Duo! His mind growls at him with short demands.

He vaguely remembers a time he told Heero to do the same thing. This Heero and that Heero are so alike but there's something slightly _different_ that just throws everything else off.

Heero's already started up the stairs and Duo's a little bit glad he didn't stand there and wait for him patiently. He follows Heero and looks around the hallway while Heero points out the rooms. There are 4 bedrooms and Duo is relieved that there is only one small—but cozy looking—bed in Heero's. He would feel incredibly uncomfortable if he had to see the two go up to bed together or if he happened to walk by in the middle of the night and hear something intimate. He almost bursts out laughing at the thought of Heero and Wufei saying romantic and loving things to each other while lying in each others arms at night. _Almost laughs_ but the cringe and twitch of jealously takes care of that problem. Quatre and Trowa he can handle, but if all of his fellow pilots were to pair off with anyone—especially each other—he thinks he would have to shove his head in the oven and his heart in a fucking blender. Don't be a drama queen Duo, he tells himself, but it doesn't dispel the anger.

Wufei's door is fully closed and Heero makes no move to open it, and Duo doesn't ask. It's always been Wufei's way to maintain a high level of privacy and he gets 'rather pissy' as Duo used to tease, if anyone invades that privacy.

"That's Quatre and Trowa's bedroom there," The door to the room is open and crack and Heero opens it the rest of the way. If he thought any of the other rooms were obviously Quatre he was wrong, this room literally screamed his name. The light colors and walls of windows that made the room burst with light, the queen sized bed with the soft looking sheets (texture and color wise) and the many pillows, sat atop a lovely blue carpet which made the room a place you wanted to be. Quatre had that effect on people. He is not effeminate or anything of the sort, he just has an understanding about him weather it was the style of a room or the way to listen to your problems. Duo's heart twists as he remembers how he'd treated him the last time he'd been with him. He wants to see his friend again and let him know that he isn't angry with him and that he hadn't done anything wrong, and that he knows Quatre was just trying to help and he was doing everything right it was just he who couldn't deal with anything or do anything right. Not Quatre. Not anyone but him.

But for now Duo just wants to sleep. His eyes are beginning to feel heavy and when Heero opens the door to his room—_his room_ what a strange combination of words—the bed looks more welcoming than anything he's seen in a long time.

"Get some rest; I'll prepare some food in about an hour just in case you get hungry or anything. You can just come down anytime and it'll be there…Bye Duo."

"Bye 'Ro."

Heero doesn't leave right away though; he simply stands there watching Duo. It makes him feel uncomfortable.

"Duo." He says sharply as if he's finally decided something and wants to get it over with. "I'm glad you came and I hope you stay for a while."

Duo pauses, unsure of how to respond to that. "Thanks Heero, I hope I do too." Is that the truth? Duo thinks as he hears the words coming out of his mouth.

"No one will hurt you or insult you Duo."

"Maybe not intentionally."

"Duo…I'm glad you came." And abruptly he turns to leave.

"You said that already…" Duo says to the silence.

He said it twice. Heero said something…from the heart…twice. Duo thinks Heero is a compassionate caring friend and Duo is the one who can't fucking deal with his emotional problems and nightmares and just get on with his life like the rest of them. He has to still be babied and his hand still needs to be held.

Duo's definitely changed. If this had been before…during the war, in a safe house, sharing a room with Heero who was just a few feet away on another equally uncomfortable bed he would have lay awake pondering everything, but now he just shoves it from his mind, rolls over, and falls asleep.


	4. chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I wish I did, but I don't. Blah blah blah.

Warnings: Strong language, lemon (m/m sex), mentions of past attempted ncs, angst, mentions of past cutting/alcohol/drug abuse, non-happy-sappy-what-you-may-want-to-happen-ness.

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Ch 4

Fingers crawling over his skin, prying him apart, and pushing themselves, lodging themselves into his flesh. He cries out, but his voice is muffled by the wall he's pushed up against. The fingers press harder and he slams his head into the stall, trying to escape the awful smells and the painful humiliation. But you begged for it, a voice screams in his ear. The worst part is the voice is real. The voice is right. He loves to hurt himself.

All the voices that hiss in his ear with mocking contempt argue amongst themselves. Contradicting. Confusing. Don't back down, don't give in. Never cry.

You are Shinigami, another voice says angrily, why aren't you fighting back? Do you want it?

No! He shrieks.

He kicks, punches, thrusts, and bites. He leaves him bloody and crumpled on the floor. He runs and never looks back.

A scream tears at his insides and it would be released if there wasn't a brick on his chest. He struggles to breathe and finally shoots into an upright position. Something lands on the floor and when his eyes clear Duo sees that it's a big, fat, black cat. He blinks down at the creature and draws back as it turns to hiss at him. It slinks lazily out of the room and Duo is glad to see it go. He's hated cats for a long time. Back on L2 he had shared the streets with hundreds of stray cats. It was a shame that one thing to mirror earth was the number of stray animals that lived on the streets. As a young boy Duo had tried to play with the cats but had gotten scratched one too many times to really enjoy any of the feline species.

He curls up and pushes his head deep into the pillow. He doesn't want to get up because then he'll have to go through the extraneous activity of figuring out what to say to Heero. Right now a conversation seems like too much of a strain on his mentality.

But Duo can't block out the bright beams of sun that are pushing themselves under his eyes, and the smell of coffee and...breakfast? He's always had trouble fighting his curiosity. He pulls himself up again, slides out of the bed, and groggily walks down the stairs, rubbing his eyes and swaying tiredly as he goes.

His feet hit something fuzzy and he twists on his ankle, gripping the railing to keep from falling. A claw sinks briefly into his foot and Duo kicks at the cats retreating form. 'There's a damn cat living in the house. There's a big-fat-cat living in the house. They even have a fucking cat! A fucking annoying cat at that.'

"So you're finally awake." He sees Heero sitting at the coffee table in the living room, typing at his laptop.

"Yeah, thanks to your cat." Duo mutters sullenly.

Heero's mouth turns up "You've met Rio I see."

"Rio?"

"Don't ask. We found him outside one day and made the mistake of feeding him. He never went away." Heero says with a hint of affection.

"What, has he been training with you too?" Duo says venomously and wipes some blood off of his foot.

Heero sighs "He has a bad temper. We better get that cleaned up." He stands up and leads Duo through the side door and into the kitchen.

Hmm nice kitchen, Duo muses; 'I wonder if they eat pancakes and read the newspaper together. I wonder if Fei has discovered the joy of advice columns.' He laughs and Heero gives him a funny look. "Hey what smells so good 'Ro?"

"I made breakfast. Chocolate chip waffles." He looks embarrassed.

"_You_ made breakfast? Now I know _Trowa_ cooks and maybe even Quatre, but never have I known you to cook. I have known you to threaten me not to cook, but never to actually do it yourself."

"Well Wufei won't do it. Someone has to make the food around here." Heero says completely matter of fact and shrugs.

Duo's shock must be apparent by his rapid blinking.

"He does dishes and cleans."

"Wufei cleans!" Duo snickers uncontrollably. "Does he wear a maid's outfit?"

"No."

"Oh ok…" And he goes off again without really meaning to, it's just the look on Heero's face is killing him. It's so serious; he doesn't see the hilarity that Duo does.

"Go sit down, I'll be back in a second. The bathrooms right there." Down at the other end of the kitchen there's a short passage that isn't long enough to really be a hall. Heero turns and opens a door to the side. Duo hears him opening drawers and closets for a long time.

"You ok Heero?" Duo calls after a minute, noticing that the cut has pretty much stopped bleeding and this probably isn't worth Heero's trouble.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I just can't." Another drawer slams shut "Seem." Another is opened "To find." Another loud bang, "Where Wufei." The fast sound of a drawer being pulled open, "Put the damn first aid…Here it is."

Heero walks back into the kitchen and seats himself on the floor next to Duo, taking out a bandage and antibiotics.

"It'll sting."

"I survived a war."

"You're right."

Duo rolls his eyes and tries desperately not to fidget as Heero's fingers brush carefully against his skin as he tends to the cut. It's not like Heero's never done this sort of thing for him before. It's just that it's been so long. His skin tickles and he finds himself moving slightly into Heero's touch. He hopes his skin hasn't developed any new variety of color.

"Deeper than I expected."

"Yeah well I've done worse myself." He replies, grateful to have something else to focus his mind on.

Heero looks at him sharply.

"Joke…"

"Hn." But he doesn't seem too convinced or amused.

When Heero's done Duo settles back down in the seat and stares at the meal that's placed in front of him.

"Hope it's not too cold."

"I'm sure it's fine." It looks edible from what he can tell. It doesn't seem like any of the nauseating things Heero used to make for himself during the war. He used to try to convert the other pilots to his protein meals, while Quatre was tactful, Duo was openly against it; loudly and bluntly so. This meal though…it actually doesn't seem like it'll destroy Duo's body from the inside.

He takes a tentative bite and chews slowly. It's good. Really really good. Tooo good. Duo laughs.

Heero gives him a questioning look.

"I crack myself up."

"So I've seen." Heero raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment further.

"It's good 'Ro." Duo says, gesturing at the food, his way of apology and explanation.

"Thanks." Heero thinks for a minute "Duo, why do you call me 'Ro."

Duo gives him a wry smile "Well you did say you'd kill me if I called you Hee-chan, Soldier-boy, Heehee or Heeeerooooo again."

"Ahh."

They both eat in silence and Duo looks out into the backyard. The light is flooding into the room, reflecting off the shiny, crystal clean counters, sharing its warmth and comfort with Duo. It's so freakishly homey and uncharacteristically calm that Duo wants to run around the room, throw papers on the floor, and create chaos.

'What kind of warped universe am I in?' He thinks with a terrified girly scream added to the mix.

'Don't laugh or you're going to scare Heero even more, and then he might try to take your temperature or something.' Duo tells himself, and instead creates an image of a mini-Duo who can laugh all he wants inside of his head.

"Do you want anymore?"

"Uh no. I'm fine."

Heero looks at Duo's frame and Duo fidgets uncomfortably under his scrutiny. "You should eat more, you're too thin."

'I'm not too thin' Duo thinks angrily 'I've always been thin. It's not like I've lost my muscle or anything, I haven't let myself go.'

Heero sighs "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

His expression becomes one of annoyance "That look you always give me when you're angry." When Duo's expression doesn't change Heero continues "You're eyes, they lower and get darker, you're whole face tightens and you look dangerous."

"Hn." Duo imitates Heero because it's all he can think to do to get them off the topic of his face.

"Duo." Heero warns.

"Heero." He says in the same tone.

Why can't he just stop arguing with him? He seems to get a twisted pleasure out of fighting Heero tooth and nail over every word he says. Maybe he's trying to get back at him for something. All those years where Heero made him feel stupid and small and unwanted. Maybe he wants to see how far he can push Heero and see how long he won't call him a baka or tell him to shut up or start muttering in Japanese.

Sometimes Duo forgets that besides making him feel stupid, small, and unwanted Heero also made him feel strong, brave, comforted and at ease. How he would feel restless and a little nervous when the scowling 01 pilot wasn't around and how he could feel lulled just by being in his presence. Heero never babied him even when he was sick or injured, he just told him to stop complaining. And Duo would. He always made him see that he wasn't really as bad as he thought even when it didn't feel that way. And Duo always did heal. Without Heero maybe he would have just let go.

He had wanted to show him he wasn't weak. He wanted to show them all. He wanted to show Heero, Wufei and even Trowa and Quatre. Quatre could make someone feel weak by just _caring _so much. It always made Duo feel like he was weak when someone treated him that way. So Duo survived the war and then… then he gave up. His work had been completed and he lost a purpose. He lost that beating force inside. He doesn't know what exactly he's living for now, all he knows is that he's too scared to die.

He doesn't deserve that escape.

"Fine I'll have some more."

Heero doesn't say 'no Duo, you're right I was just being overbearing' or 'Are you sure? I didn't mean to offend you…' but then again maybe Duo was expecting too much. "Suit yourself." Is what Heero says instead, and he gets up to serve Duo more.

When Heero sets his plate down beside him he doesn't sit down again. He reaches his hand out and touches Duo's check, pushing his face to look at him "Cheer up, they won't kill you." And Heero gives him a funny smile. Not funny in an odd looking way, but funny in a strange way that causes utter confusion to settle upon Duo. He doesn't think he's ever seen that expression on Heero's face.

Maybe he should just stop trying to figure out what to expect.

Author Notes: Weee another chapter done! I suppose now I'm using '…' for thoughts…If I didn't do that in other chapters maybe I'll go back and edit later…As I write more I begin to see what I like and dislike, that's the beauty of writing, you just keep getting better and better. This is great practice for me since I want to be an author and I want to be published young.

I'm trying to update quickly, chapter 8 is almost done, I'm trying not to let this fall behind even though they're dumping tons of work on me at school. If you're going crazy though you can always check out my journal and bother me about updating or see me going "I'm working I'm working." (Gravigirl123) I can write it because it's friends only and no people from school really read this who I don't want to see my lj…


	5. chapter 5

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Ch 9

Disclaimer: I don't own em…but that doesn't mean I don't play with them and use them for my own evil purposes Mwhahaha!

For once he sleeps without nightmares or vivid dreams—for you always dream when you sleep whether or not you remember—but of course his heavenly slumber is disturbed. And this time its' not because of the damn cat.

"Duo." The same damn whisper he heard at the club that night, Duo thinks blearily, groans, and then turns over to push his head deeper into the pillow.

A hand reaches over and gently shakes his shoulder "Wake up; I want to take you somewhere?" It's a sweet request that sounds alien on the lips that he knows they're falling from.

"Take me somewhere?" Duo says with a yawn and struggles to sit up in bed.

He rubs his eyes, looks up at Heero, and instantly notices that he's staring at him with a strange expression on his face.

Duo looks down and blushes fiercely when he sees what he was sleeping in. Pretty much nothing. Thankfully his sheet his still wrapped around his waist, the last thing he needs is a reason to feel even more embarrassed around Heero. 'Ah well' Duo thinks with humor 'It's nothing he hasn't seen before, and I mean that two ways.'

"Mind turning around so I can get dressed?"

It's Heero's turn to blush, but he tries to hide it with a nod and the turn of his head.

"So, Where we goin'?" Duo asks as he throws on a pair of jeans and a loose cotton t-shirt.

"There's a really nice park nearby that I want to show you."

"A park?" Duo thinks for a moment "Yeah ok, a park sounds…fun."

He sees the side of Heero's mouth turn up into a small smile "That was my reaction too."

"You're reaction?" Duo asks as he takes off the shirt that makes him look far too scrawny, and switches it with a darker one that still makes him look thin, but at least he looks a little more…dangerous?

"Quatre had found it one day when he was looking around. He's the one who bought this place so he explored the area for a while. He said we had to see this place because in the morning it was…amazing."

"Amazing, huh?" Duo says thoughtfully "All done, you can turn around now."

And he does. He seems unsure of what to do so he just sort of stares at Duo.

"Tada…?"

Heero blinks, but then breaks into a smile, and Duo can't help but think without really meaning to that Heero looks even more handsome when he smiles.

On the way out they grab two apples and two oranges to eat on the ride over, it's a good ten minutes drive. So the whole way over Duo crunches his apple, drips his orange, and fiddles with the radio until it's blasting some loud, admittedly crappy band, while tapping his foot relentlessly against the dashboard where his legs and feet are stretched out.

If Heero's annoyed, which anyone in his position would be, he hides it expertly. Instead he busies himself with his own apple in one hand, and his other hand on the steering wheel, concentration completely on the road.

Duo watches with awe as the scenery whizzes by, he is always aware that L2 is pretty shitty, but its drawbacks are always more glaring in the light of the other colonies. He doesn't like the fact that deep inside there's a part of him that's happy to be away from his run down neighborhood, the thieves, rapists, and drug dealers that lurk in the shadows, his failed business and his lost dreams. It's hard to wake up every day and see that what you sacrificed your youth for is a load of crap. Still though, L2 will always be his home no matter how crappy. His whole life has been there; even fighting in his gundam was to help his colony. However, it's undeniable that here is rather pleasant and he is, admittedly, less lonely with Heero around.

Since he almost missed the turn, Heero makes a sharper one than they both anticipated, and Duo hits his arm hard against the car door and his legs flail from the dash board as he tries to regain some balance. Heero parks the car and turns to Duo as he's rubbing his arm. Before Duo can protest Heero has his hand on his arm and is apologizing, asking if Duo's ok.

Duo flushes and shrugs off Heero's hand as he turns his head away. 'I really need to get around to having a discussion with Heero about being weird.'

They get out of the car, Duo fully intending to say something to Heero until he takes a look at his surroundings. He has to admit the park is beautiful. Empty, silent, and lovely. Duo is instantly drawn to the shimmering lake that reflects the morning sun in the most flattering way. If the sun were a woman she would, for once, have no complaints.

Heero follows slowly behind him, admiring the trees, the flowers, the sky, the colors and anything else that he sees.

For the first time in a very very long time—too long—Duo feels at…peace. Somehow the sun's rays seem brighter, stronger, more painful to his eye when he tries to look up at them for all the wondrous, exquisite beauty they are. Whether the sun is lovelier from space or from earth, Duo doesn't know. The colonies don't even compare because there, after being on earth and in space seeing the sun in all it's glory, it feels fake. When you know someone is controlling it all, limiting it, it feels unreal. It just doesn't even come close to the real thing.

He sits himself down on a bench that's right next to the lake, so close that it almost blends in if you're looking from afar. Duo almost missed it except being Duo he just had to get right up close to the lake and he has an extremely trained eye so to speak. Plus, it is admittedly hard to miss a bench when it's right there next to you, he just likes to believe he's special.

He tries to ignore the odd, warm sensation that tickles his insides when Heero sits down close beside him so that they're almost, almost touching. So close that it's achingly hard to bear. Duo wants to edge away, but fears hurting Heero or causing suspicion. When people get nervous they tend to try to cover it up by blurting something out that's been on their mind. A lot of times, it's the thing that they've been too nervous to say, so this seems as good a time as any just to get it out since you're already feeling pretty damn edgy, twitchy, scared, flighty, or whatever, just then. And since Duo is no exception out comes "I can't believe how much you've changed." It's not that those words themselves are bad it's just his tone of voice sounds sort of accusing and his follow up words don't help matters too much "I know you weren't ever emotionless or anything, but this isn't you at all. How could anything or anyone have changed you so much?" He desperately wants to continue on to say 'I haven't changed this much, you may think so, but I haven't. Have the others changed this much? Has Quatre changed more since I've seen him last? Has everyone moved on?' But he can't say these words because for some inexplicable reason he's lost his nerve, maybe it's because he voiced the main issue on his mind. It could also be because of the tightening of his throat, but then again who can tell these things.

Heero blinks at him, thinking this over, eyes dark and intent. "You're right, I was never…without emotions, but I knew that they could get in the way and be a liability. The war needed to be fought without my feelings interfering, for me at least. Of course, no human being can fully repress everything and some of what I felt for you four showed through, even in some of my decisions…"

"Like when you didn't kill me? You were going to, but then you saved me?" The last part isn't really supposed to be a question, but it comes out like one in a sort of hopeful way. Duo hopes that to Heero it doesn't sound pleading.

Heero nods slowly, trying to find his train of thought again "You've changed too you know."

"Not really."

"Yes really, you were happier before. Weren't you?"

Duo scoffs "No, I just tried to make these easier for everyone around me. No one wants to put up with another shitty ass attitude." Heero's right though, battle, adrenaline, and being with all of them fighting together as a team made him happier. He misses those days. Not the prison cells, not the pain, not the feelings of loss and hopelessness…well maybe sometimes he misses some of the pain, because it made the good things that much better. He misses the times when they sort of forgot about things and were just five guys hanging around together.

Rare times but he misses them.

It's like he wishes he could go back and fight in that war knowing for sure they would win, just so he could really enjoy things. Maybe that would have been their downfall though. Things are too complicated and he always has to ruin them with logic.

After thinking those things he feels oddly lonely and empty, and he has this faint, but undeniable wish that Heero would hold him right now, that he would have some comforting human contact, and that he wouldn't have this empty feeling coursing through him. Instead, he lifts his knees up so that his chin is resting on them, and wraps his arms around his legs. He looks as much like a child as he feels.

"Are you happy now, Heero? Have you suddenly been able to drop all of your old defense mechanisms and your old habits?" For some reason he desperately needs an answer, there's something he _needs _to know so he can have some peace, some satisfaction. Something to rid him of this restless anxiety.

"I don't know," Heero replies honestly "I think I'm happy, but there's always this feeling that something is missing."

There's something in the tone of Heero's voice and the way he looks at him, his eyes intense and searching, that gives Duo the idea that there's something he should be getting, but he's completely missing it.

"As for my defense mechanisms…I had trouble with them for a long time, I went through some therapy to help me work through them."

Duo visibly cringes and Heero insists that it wasn't that bad.

"We really should be going soon." Duo says quietly as the sun grows stronger and the shouts of children and the bright chatter of their mothers are heard.

Heero nods but they both stay seated, blanketed by silence for a little while until finally Heero speaks "War doesn't let you be the person you want to. You're just the person you need to be to survive." And with that final piece of insight from Heero, the conversation has ended with Duo wanting something more. It leaves him wondering if he should have asked something different and if he's lost his chance. He knows that this isn't the last time he'll talk to Heero or something, but it's hard to start up a conversation like this again. Really really hard.

He sighs and walks behind Heero, and doesn't even bother to fight off the image of himself walking beside Heero, shoulder to shoulder, lost in their own world, like the couple that just walked past him.

But Duo knows well enough that sweet dreams weren't meant to be.

TBC

Thanks to:

ZaKai- :) Yeah I have chapters written, I'm just scared to post too quickly because I want to always have more written before I post. Schools a bitch, it's nice to know people understand thanks.

Lolly sister- Thank you! You've been reviewing since the start and I can't tell you how much that means to me. You're welcome for the quick updates and I hope I'll be able to continue doing that!

Ahanchan- Thank you! Hope you enjoyed this one as well.

HeeroDuo4eva- :D Thanks. Yeah school work is definitely a bitch :P

Satanic-Purple-Onion – Haha I don't know why I found that so funny :D I like random. Yes needing sleep can do that to you pats I hope you got your choco-chip waffles.

Deadtoast- Aww that means a lot to me since I was really hoping to achieve that. I was worried people would say "oh be done before" and not even bother with it, so I was hoping to at least put my own style to it and hope that my plot was good/diff somehow I'll stop babbling and being happy now :DD


	6. chapter 6

What you've all been waiting for WUFEI! As of now I've got about 9 ½ chapters written, but I seriously need a good beta reader. I had for the first few chapters, but I need one desperately for feedback purposes and such. There's one friend who I know will be good for character discussions but she hasn't been online in a little while so…

Thanks to everyone who reviews on replies on my ML's, and tells me how much they like it on lj. All of this means so much to me and gives me the energy and incentive to write.

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Ch 6

He bites at what's left of his nails, which isn't much since he's pretty much bitten down to the skin. His carelessness causes him to roughly nip his flesh, drawing blood. Wufei is coming back today. Wufei will be with him later, perhaps even in this very room and even on the seat next to him. Well that's a given, of course he's going to be in this room, it's just hard to imagine that right now when he can't even imagine seeing Wufei again. He sighs and closes his eyes practicing the skill of blocking out the unwanted shouts and revelations that are sure to come. He's blocking out a few other unwanted memories and thoughts as well, but he'd rather avoid even admitting that.

Heero went out to pick up food for dinner and he won't be back for at least another hour. Duo glances at the clock. No scratch that, it'll be an hour and a half. It's only been 10 minutes since he's looked, not a half hour like he'd hoped. The house feels empty and vast without hearing Heero's footsteps, a cough, or a curse at the cat. It's different than his small, empty apartment. At least there he had never felt someone else's presence and therefore never expected it. Or missed it.

He licks the blood off of his finger and remembers that in some religions drinking your own blood is a sin. Drinking your life is a sin. He can't help liking the way it tastes though. He can't help knowing that he's sinned so much that this won't even make a mark in any god's book. He can't help that he loves to somehow remember that he's still alive.

An eerie feeling creeps up and prickles his skin as he glances around the room his eyes filling with some sort of excitement that comes with strange thoughts and revelations.

Wouldn't it be a sick twist of fate if this is all a dream and really he isn't alive at all? What if he really isn't Duo Maxwell and in reality he was killed in the war by Duo Maxwell. Maybe one of the soldiers he remembers blowing up was really him, and now this is his punishment for his own vile sins, living as his own killer. If only he were a writer he thinks wistfully. If he was a writer than maybe somehow he could channel his wild thoughts into something productive that could give him a peace of mind.

But then again just because he's always had a lot to say, doesn't mean he always has a way with words.

The silence finally gets to him when he actually becomes aware of the clock ticking. He stands up and wanders around the house for a little while, flicking on lights whenever he comes to a switch, using the light to fill up the stark silence that has settled over the house. Even his steps seem to be quiet since he spent two hours the day before memorizing where the floor boards creak just in case it came in handy in the future. He can't bring himself to go against the pattern he'd created. He's just funny like that.

Heero had walked by him a few times only to stop and stare momentarily before continuing on his way without saying a word, but Duo noticed that he walked down the hall the same way he did. Old habits die hard.

When he gets bored of wandering around and restraining himself from barging into Wufei's room—the only unexplored room—he decides to look outside while it's still light out. Duo darts down the steps, into the kitchen, slides open the glass door, runs out and down the steps into the yard.

His eyes widen with pleasure and wonder; he knew it would be fantastic from the kitchen window and the view from his own room, but standing there is just so fantastic. It's like he has a private forest of his own; the whole yard is dense with large trees that stretch towards the sky with their long, elegant arms, vying for the suns embrace, wanting it all to themselves. There is not another house in sight. They have a lot of privacy here, Duo nods with approval, and it's secluded and peaceful. It appears to be darker since the trees are blocking out the sun, but Duo doesn't mind. He thinks it'll be a nice place to escape, to relax.

With further exploration he finds a trail of water that leads him to a small pond. After he sits down with his knees bent up to his chest, arms wrapped around him, he thinks this is his new favorite place. This is a place where he can feel safe. This is a place where he could fall asleep and not feel so scared…

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Just pick him up." A hushed voice says.

"I'm not picking him up!" Another voice snaps.

"SH!"

"I wasn't being loud!" The second voice hisses.

"Just lift him up and bring him back to the house."

"I told you Yuy, I am not carrying him back to the house! That is the most undignified thing I've ever heard. Maxwell is not a child and he's perfectly capable of waking up and walking back to the damn house."

"Just do it."

"You carry him yourself then."

"I'm holding the flashlight."

"That's a pathetic argument if I've ever heard one, Yuy. I'm waking him up."  
Exasperation enters the other voice "He's sleeping! Why should we wake him up?"

"What's the problem with waking him up?"

"He hasn't slept well since he's been here."

"Well he shouldn't be sleeping on the _ground._"

Duo keeps his eyes shut and his breathing deep, but he's fully awake now and can figure out who the voices belong to. He wonders if Wufei will actually give in and carry him and if that's what he wants to happen. Another, more pressing matter nags at him though, how does Heero know how he sleeps? Does he watch him while he's sleeping? Duo's disturbed by these thoughts and hopes that it isn't the case, but he's not sure what other explanation there could be.

He has no further time to explore all of the 'wonderful' reasons as to why Heero would watch him while he slept. In fact, he has no time to do anything else like open his eyes or tell them both to shut up so he can stay right here in this place for the whole night. He has no time because Wufei has already scooped him up so he's lying in his arms.

Duo instantly hates this position and feels sorry for women; because not in a million years would he ever want to endure being carried like this into their honeymoon sweet, or anywhere else that the opportunity may present itself. It makes him feel weak and vulnerable, but god he doesn't want to let them know he's awake. He especially doesn't want them to know that he's been awake this whole time. Then they might wonder why he let them believe it, and he's not so sure of the answer himself. He could pretend to just wake up now, but he's been known to sleep like the dead and how embarrassing would it be to wake up right now while he was carrying him? No. It's far better to just continue his little charade and never think about this again.

How long is the damn walk back to the house? It hadn't taken him long to get there so how long could it possibly take to get back? He wants to squirm so badly that his muscles almost ache; Wufei's hand feels too warm on his arm.

Way too warm.

His heart starts to race and his breath quickens slightly, but he's not quite sure if it's because of the pace of his thoughts or the touch of Wufei's hand. When you think about it why should the later be any reason for the fast beating of his heart or the speed of his breath? Wufei is just Wufei.

Duo desperately wishes for his thoughts to stop going in this direction. He wants so badly for this not to be happening to him. It's just hard to control your thoughts and feelings at times. It's especially hard when you're having trouble thinking—not only because of a certain hand—because you're still half asleep, which Duo most certainly is. It's hard to fully wake up when you haven't opened your eyes and there's not light around you.

His body feels flushed and he gives into the urge to squirm.

"What's wrong with him?" Wufei sounds slightly worried.

"I told you he can't sleep."

"Nightmares?"

"Probably." Heero affirms "His apartment certainly wasn't any help, you should have seen the place. It's disgusting. It's a nesting ground for grotesque thoughts." Heero cuts off abruptly and then says in an even quieter voice, "Did you know he kept broken razor blades on his bathroom floor? That's not right."

Wufei sighs "I did see it, and if I remember correctly you basically just shook off what I told you." There's a pause as Wufei glances down at Duo. A dull pain, the kind of pain that comes with the passage of time, fills his body. Sometimes the best way to ward off unwanted memories is to live in the moment. Wufei looks away from Duo, but not at Heero—because that wouldn't help in his quest to ignore the past—and says, "You better not say anymore because knowing Maxwell he could very well be listening right now."

"Hn."

Duo stiffens for a few reasons; any normal person would stiffen if they heard people discussing them in any way, more so if they were discussing them like Wufei and Heero were discussing him. Plus, they were completely wrong in their judging. They think they knew everything. He wasn't even having a nightmare. Wufei carrying him was worse then a lot of nightmares he'd had.

That thought mostly came out of his annoyance.

But most of all he stiffened because Wufei's words caught him off guard even though they shouldn't have. Wufei always seemed to pinpoint what was going on. Strong intuition there, Duo thinks petulantly.

It didn't really matter what made him stiffen, but the fact was he did, and as soon as he did Wufei froze and Duo assumed Heero did too.

"Maxwell?"

When Duo tried to relax his body and pretend to be sleeping again—so desperate that he didn't even mind if they continued to assume he was having a nightmare.—Wufei barked, a more demanding "MAXWELL!"

Well since he had been found out anyway he might as well be totally honest… "I wasn't having a fucking nightmare! Put me the fuck down 'Fei!"

He was a little hurt that Wufei didn't need any further pressing, and immediately dropped him on the ground.

He looked up into Heero's impassive face and Wufei's angry one and tried to put on his best, winning grin. "Nice to see you again to 'Fei, it's been a while!"

XxXxXxXx

Another chapter done high fives self hehe alright does the Quagmire from family guy laugh. As usual hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading and feedback is always appreciated.


	7. chapter 7: edit: link in fic

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 7

"I can't believe you would do that Maxwell! That is despicable! To have let us believe you were sleeping was just as bad as a lie. You mislead us and listened to every word we said." Wufei had proceeded to yell Duo's ear off from the moment they walked in the door. Duo's still not sure if he prefers Wufei glaring at him in a stony silence or the long, shouted rants. It's been about a half hour now and Wufei is running out of things to say. The gist of it is pretty much that Wufei thinks that it was a very dishonorable thing for Duo to do.

"Well maybe you two should watch what you say. I think it's a lesson to us all and we can all learn from it. Now let's go head up to bed and apply it to our every day lives tomorrow. Ok?"

Heero has been passing glances to Duo the whole time Wufei's been 'talking', and he isn't quite sure what they mean; if he's encouraging him to endure this, if he's silently agreeing with Wufei, if he's trying to share a humorous moment with him or he's simply looking at him, contemplating the matter to himself and not really listening to what Wufei's saying.

Duo is sure he knows what this look means though. Shut up idiot. He'd seen it all through the war.

Before Wufei can start up again Duo gives Heero what he hopes is a scary, pissed off look of his own and demands, "Why the hell have you been watching me while I sleep?"

"I haven't."

Duo's anger flares "Don't lie to me Heero! I mean, you know I heard what you were saying anyway." He's too angry to really stop and think about it, Heero isn't stupid enough to try that, and on top of that he probably wouldn't lie to Duo about it anyway.

Heero looks back and forth from the two outraged young men in front of him and proceeds to stand up and walk out of the room.

Duo turns his attention back to Wufei and vice versa "Why did he do that?"

"He probably doesn't have patience for you right now either, Maxwell. He just handles it differently."

"Why do you have to be such an ass 'Fei? Sheesh, this is a pretty shitty ass way to start this isn't it? Look, I'm sorry, ok? I wanted to well…wake up but was too embarrassed, and then I got mad when I heard you two talking, ok? Just stop yelling alright? I'll try to talk to Heero tomorrow."

Wufei sighs and shrugs. "Fine. Apology accepted. Why don't we just forget about it? I'm going to bed now." And he turns and leaves the same way that Heero did.

Duo blinks after him; he didn't expect it to be that easy. He thought for a moment, had Wufei relented so quickly after he'd apologized in the past?

Has he ever just apologized before?

He stays seated on the couch trying to play over various times he's sat through one of Wufei's endless outbursts, for what seems like hours, until finally the ticking of the clock is once again the reason for his departure. Damn, he can't stand that fucking ticking. He thinks that smashing the clock into little pieces might be a nice way to pass the time one day. One that would probably elicit a long, one-sided, shouting match with Wufei. With Duo's luck the damn thing will turn out to be worth a lot of money wise or at the very least hold its worth in sentimental value. It could have been a housewarming gift or something.

So once again Duo's fun seems to be ruined by logic, and he turns, defeated, to head upstairs to bed.

The fingers rub his body, trying to coax a moan from the beautiful boy underneath. But he refuses to make a sound.

The owner of the fingers presses harder and asks what's wrong with him. He seemed willing almost moments before. Sudden change of heart? The fingers dig their nails into his skin, trying to coax blood instead.

Nothing.

The lack of reaction sends waves of anger and desire through the fingers and their owner.

The boy is still, creepily so.

The fingers touch harder, trying to force an involuntary reaction from him, a shudder, a strangled moan, a buck of the hips. When none comes he bends forward, pressing their cheeks together as he whispers into his ear all the things he wants to do to him.

In reality the boy had turned and beaten the man so hard he almost killed him. But here in this nightmare his body freezes and remains in place. The man continues to speak into his ear, cheek pressing against cheek. Nausea overwhelms him.

He flails and attempts an upright position. His body has unfrozen…

No…He's simply woken up. He can't fight the man. He can't win right now. He could only triumph once and that time had long past. He can't re-live that moment or fight the memories. He was only able to fight the real thing, and the real thing only happens once before it lies forever embedded into your mind. It's enough for him never to want to sleep again.

He doesn't know why he did all those things. Let all those nameless, faceless strangers have him for a night, or why he used them, pouring all his left over pain and anger into them. Angry because he was lost and _they_, the people who had been his closest friends, were all found. Angry because he wanted someone he couldn't have.

But what he really can't understand is why sometimes he couldn't go through with things, just couldn't take it anymore. It's not like he never enjoyed it, a quick, no strings attached fuck was completely harmless and even satisfying, but sometimes he started to think about it, and he just couldn't take it. Realization would show its unwanted face and bluntly and unkindly point out that doing this wouldn't get him anywhere, anything, or anyone. It would only taint him and leave him with more bad memories to clog his mind.

Sometimes he would see _their_ eyes, everyone's eyes, mocking him and seeing what had become of him. He would struggle against the people and even use force if he had too. A lot of times the people he chose weren't exactly the nicest guys you could come across. That didn't make the violence any easier though. There was something sicker about hurting or even killing someone when you didn't have the people's freedom to use as an excuse.

As the fog of sleep begins to lift he feels the dryness in his mouth. An urgent need for water runs through him and so without hesitation he draws back the covers and leaves the warm bed. As he steps on the cold floor of the hall, he half wishes that he had put socks on. However, he's too busy trying to apply his pattern—for avoiding creaks—in the dark that the vague, wishful thought exits his mind as quickly as it enters.

Duo's plan was to simply sneak down the steps and get a nice glass of water, or whatever else catches his fancy, without Heero or Wufei waking up and pestering him about his sleep habits; but when he hears the soft murmurs of voices that float towards him like ghosts, his plans are, he prays, only slightly thwarted. He doesn't think his parched mouth can take much more. He does remind himself, though, that he's fared far worse during the war, but that's not comforting. Who would want to get used to war conditions again, after all, simply to re-live those feelings? There's fond memories and nostalgia, but only to a point.

As he draws closer to the voices and their sources he can start to hear snippets of the conversation, and he knows that it's about him. So closer and closer he creeps, curiosity overcoming him. He sneaks slowly down the steps, not daring to make a sound.

Duo has a perfectly good view from behind the barred railing that runs along the side of the stair case. He's able to look down into the living room, directly at the couch, and since the stairs are at the back of the room, he's obscured from their view.

Wufei and Heero are so engrossed in their discussion that he's not worried about being caught, at least not yet. However, he needs to be caution if he wishes to avoid another one of Wufei's rants about good conduct and morals.

"You don't need to overreact like that."

"Since when did you become a nurturing mother, Yuy?" Wufei sneers, Duo can tell that he's using anger to hide the fact that he's insulted by something or another that was said prior to his arrival.

Even if Duo couldn't see the side of Heero's face and the narrowing of his eyes, you could practically hear the glare in his voice, "Look Wufei, I don't think Duo needs us to scream and yell at him. I think Quatre and Sally are right; he needs some kindness and friendship. If we attack him he'll run, but if we act civil towards him then we can help him."

Wufei snorts, "So if he gets a taste of friendship and care he'll want more and stick around?"

Heero sighs, "I guess it's something like that, it's just incredibly hard. It's not as though I know what to do. Quatre acted as though it was going easy, but when I try to act like him it seems to just disturb Duo and get him angry again."

"Well don't take your worries out on me. I'm not going to act any different around Maxwell then I would have before. I think it'll be of more help if you just act normal."

Heero's expression doesn't change "He won't stick around just to hear you yell at him. If his other option is running and going back to living in filth I think he'll choose that. At least he'll feel free there and not like a disciplined child."

"You're worried that I'll scare him off, that's exactly what you're scared of, Yuy! Stop tiptoeing around that and just say it."

Heero just shakes his head and they're both silent for a moment until Heero says, "I think I know why you're acting like this."

Wufei looks up, startled. "What are you getting at?"

"Why you're so…upset. Why you can't deal with this. It's because you still have—"

"No _Yuy_, that's always been you." Wufei says his voice icy and laced with a distinctive bitterness.

"If this is about me—"

"No, it's not about that at all, it's the fact that you think I'm going to scare him off that makes me angry." Wufei's voice rises and Heero does something that Duo hasn't expected at all.

Or at least only in the back of his mind where he can suppress it and keep it at bay.

He leans forward and presses his lips forcefully against Wufei's. As Wufei opens his mouth as if to protest Heero takes it as an invitation to slide his tongue deep into Wufei's mouth. Heero moves his body forward and against Wufei's, his tongue deep in his throat and his lips relentlessly attacking Wufei's.

Wufei groans softly, his anger seemingly evaporating, and places his hands on Heero's waist, pulling the fabric of Heero's shirt causing it to cling tightly to him. Duo can see the outlines of Heero's hard muscles and with every moment that passes he feels more and more voyeuristic. But he shouldn't, his mind protests, he didn't ask to see this. He was trying to get a damn drink of water, even though right now that's pretty low on the list of things that are currently going through his mind.

**To read the rest of this chapter go to my livejournal again for the entry marked "razors chapter 7" once again my user name is gravigirl123, it should not be too hard to find. Or just go back to the first chapter for the link. **  



	8. chapter 8

Important A.N: No I have not forgotten about Duo's accusation to Heero about him watching him in his sleep. That comes into play later. I was going to add it in now, but I felt it was too soon and I had other plans for that part evil. Besides, I felt it more realistic for Duo to forget about it for a little while since well…a lot has happened since that incident. Don't worry more past things will be revealed in a couple chapters. It's all coming together rather nicely, so enjoy! 3

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Ch 8- Part 1

He paces around his room, back and forth, back and forth until he can no longer tell which direction he's facing, and all the contents of the room blur together. In addition to this he would probably be biting his nails as well, but he's already bitten down to the skin. The smell of sex is still strong in his nose and the events of last night still play before his eyes. Fucking crazy wet dream come to life, is all he can manage to think without blanching. Humor he can handle. Serious emotional dealings are another story entirely.

What makes matters worse is that he just remembered his promise to Heero. He'd stupidly agreed to go with him to take a train into town and grab lunch and ice-cream while they're there. _Stupid Stupid Stupid,_ Duo thinks angrily to himself, wondering why he didn't just tell Heero he'd do it on his own or that he didn't feel like going. Now he has to spend a whole day trying not to picture Heero naked, and everyone knows that the more you try not to do something the more you do it. It's one of those inevitable things, not quite on the same level as death…but close.

He pulls the pair of jeans that he's been wearing for the past two days off the floor and decides that they're clean enough to wear for another day. Or two. Maybe three. Then he reaches into the bag that he still hasn't unpacked and takes out the first shirt that he gets a hold of. Lucky for him there aren't that many articles of clothing in there so the probability of getting his most comfortable shirt was fairly high.

"Ready to go?" Heero asks him as he descends the stairs into the living room.

"Sure."

Heero peers at him but doesn't comment on his slightly sullen response "We'll take the train into town and look around for awhile, grab some lunch and then finish up what we have to do."

"Sounds good." Duo tries to change the tone of his voice, really he does, but it's hard when he's feeling so set against the idea of shopping with Heero today.

He's sort of thankful that Heero continues not to comment.

Duo looks around the room nervously. "Where's Wufei?"

"No nickname?" Heero raises an eyebrow.

This catches him slightly off guard since he hadn't really noticed that he'd used Wufei's actually name and not some 'butchered version' as Wufei always said. He quickly searches his ever-working mind for an excuse and comes up with "Yeah well, I just figure that I should try to get on his good side and one of the best ways to do that is by using his name which is obviously his preference. And what better way to get into the habit then by saying it even when he's not around…or could be listening." He says and glances around the room, ready for Wufei to come through the kitchen door at any moment.

"Ok then." Heero says continuing to look at him like Duo had just told him that he was sure the sky was green. "There's cereal in the cabinet, but if you don't want that I can always make you something…" He trails off and looks like he wishes he hadn't said that.

"I'm not really that hungry now, I usually don't eat until late in the afternoon anyway. I'm good."

"You ate my pancakes." Heero says not wanting to let it go.

"Well that was a special exception; after all, you'd worked so hard on them. Now that you know, though, you don't have to bother next time."

"I really think you should eat something." Heero insists.

"Well, that's nice, but I'm not hungry and seeing as it's my body…"

Heero's eyes are very intent as he tries to figure out a way to get Duo to eat, but not freak out at him for being weird or overbearing or for insulting him. It's just that Duo looks so thin and he knows that he hasn't been eating right. So he tries something that might be a shot in the dark, but it's probably got a better chance then telling Duo it's in his best interest to eat. "Please?"

And sure enough Duo looks taken aback, practically gaping at Heero, his eyes wide and dominating his face.

"Please?" Heero repeats, seeing that he's almost gotten the desired effect.

Duo sighs and concedes "Yeah sure, alright. I can't promise I'll eat a ton though, my stomach doesn't work right until later."

Whatever Duo says now doesn't really matter because Heero knows he's won, and inside he's drawing another line on his side of the imaginary chalk board in his head.

XxXxX

"Damn it Duo, do you want the fucking jeans or not?" Heero's temporary high from his earlier victory has begun to steadily wear off during the course of the day. Even though he doesn't have much to base it off of, Heero is sure that Duo has to be one of the worst people to shop with in all of the colonies and the whole world combined.

"I dunno, I'm not sure if they're comfortable or not…"

"How can you not be sure if they're comfortable or not?" Heero says with exasperation.

Duo sighs "I don't know! It's just one of those things, like how you aren't sure if you like the taste of something until you try more."

"So you want to eat these jeans? Or try on other pairs?"

"Shut up," Duo says as he turns and sees Heero's smirk. Then he sighs and goes back into the changing room where Heero can hear the sound of jeans being removed. "Alright," Duo says when he comes back out "I'll take all this I guess."

Heero looks at the clothing in his hands, 3 pairs of jeans, 5 shirts and "You need more underwear than that. And that really isn't enough clothing."

When Duo looks like he's about to protest Heero continues "It'll be easier, you won't have to do as much laundry and you won't have to re-wear things all the time."

Duo shrugs and while he goes to get more clothes he contemplates Heero's behavior some more, like he hasn't been doing that since Heero found him that night…well maybe he didn't start until his hangover had cleared, but who's really keeping track?

Duo feels quite proud of the fact that he's sufficiently avoided picturing Heero naked, or thinking about last night in general, when he's talking to him. On the other hand though, it's a different story when Heero's not around, like when he went to the bathroom and Duo was left waiting outside the door feeling conspicuous and stupid, and when he's trying on clothes and Heero's just outside the door and for some unknown reason this gets him sort of excited, and like right now when he's off on his own just looking for clothes. You see, he's thinking about it right now.

And right now it seems to Duo that his mind has never been off Heero, that he has somehow always been in the back or front of his mind ever since the first time he saw him, while Heero was still young and child-like despite his…occupation. Duo's always enjoyed using that sugar coated term ever since his first job interview when his potential new boss had cleared his throat nervously and said it seemed he had a lot of experience from his former…occupation, but he wasn't quite what they were looking for.

Needless to say that hadn't been an encouraging experience.

It's not so much that Heero behaved as a child…no, not at all. He had the eyes of an adult, he struggled with things that most people his age thought of sometimes with a start or a jolt and then quickly forgot as their friend called out to them from down the hall. Heero was incredibly child-like when it came to emotions, sometimes he could sense and read emotions so acutely that it was shocking and other times he was so ignorant to them, so oblivious that that was shocking as well.

Then there was that innocence to him that made him the excellent Gundam Pilot he was. Here was a boy who could not recall his own mother, here was a boy who could not remember laying eyes on his father, a boy that didn't even know his rightful name, he knew that every soldier he killed had a family, had a mother, father, wife, husband, child, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, uncle, aunt etc; but since he himself had never experienced such love it was hard to truly _feel_ the pain and destruction he caused. Oh of course he felt remorse, guilt, of course he could imagine the peoples faces the family. Sylvia Noventa was proof of this. It was just that he could never truly understand what those people were feeling, and for that he had been glad, but also envious of all who could feel the pain that he could not.

Since he's first experienced the mystery that is Heero Yuy, Duo has spent infinite amounts of time trying to understand his actions, trying to figure out a way to elicit responses and reactions from Heero. He's spent so much time trying to figure out the dos and don'ts of Heero Yuy that it makes his head hurt.

And now he realizes that he never escaped this, not since the war ended, not since living on his own in filth and regret. He has never ceased to think about Heero in a way that he should hate himself for. And he wonders if this kind side of Heero has been there all along, just hidden behind his masks, walls, shields and barriers. Probably, Duo thinks bitterly, but with my usual luck I just missed out on a whole lot.

Forcedly, he pulls clothing off the racks and pays without trying them on. He goes outside and tries to use this time to get over whatever it is he's feeling right then. He waits until the inevitable moment when Heero comes outside, realizing Duo isn't coming back to the dressing rooms.

TBC

Did I mention I love all your feedback? I swear going onto my e-mail and seeing a review alert makes my day !

Thanks to…

HeeroDuo4eva: Yup, they aren't exactly normal at all. No sapness. I'm an angst girl, but don't fear it's not a gray piece and things will eventually resolve.

Mithros: Hmm not necessarily, you may be surprised. I like to keep people on their toes. Anti-Cliché all the way (well as much as possible ) I did go back and forth between the idea of Duo being wrong, but then I was like…nah he's right!

Zakai: blush thank you! I worry about my lemon scenes, and after I'm done one I'm like "Not gonna do that again for awhile…" But yaoi is so wonderful…

Miss Panda-chan: I'm so glad this held your attention! I'm really trying to post and write chapters consistently because I know how easy it is to lose readers by not posting after a long time. I can't tell you how many good stories I've lost interest in simply for lack of updating. snort although I have this fic in another fandom I lost interest in, but am finally trying to finish! By the way, I keep meaning to read your fic, but I'm so lazy ! Eventually!

Satanic-Purple-Onion: XD I know what more could anyone ask for! Glad you liked. HOMESTARRUNNER! Teen girl squad fan?

Ahanchan:D it's nice to be right isn't it? Hopefully I can throw you off eventually just kidding. Glad you liked!

Lolly sister: Haha, weird? Yes. Weird all the way XD! Hope you liked this chapter!

Zero Saotome: You'll seee….refer back to pairings even though they may not be…perfectly accurate Yes, I may have more about that later, but like Duo told Heero, he stopped cutting before. Even that wasn't enough for him anymore. And the thing is he's just sort of empty and a little self destructive, but not a completely disturbed guy. Hard to explain, like I said you'll see. Everything comes together (or so I hope.) Don't wanna reveal too much…

Amber Bock: Hmm maybe I should replace this chapter with one that just gives a link…Sorry about your fics It makes me so mad that they do that. I think I will replace this and just link to my website…ug but that might be a problem for me too…or link to mediaminer.


	9. chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I do take borrow them without intention of returning.

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: 9

"Duo," Heero says as though he's losing his mind "Why did you leave? I was sitting in there like a damn idiot for fifteen minutes!"

Duo doesn't answer, some part inside of him wants to answer and make peace with Heero, maybe even explain to him something that's been plaguing his mind, but his mouth just doesn't seem to work at this 'convenient' time.

"Duo!" Heero's voice rises only slightly, but Duo can hear the anger in it. "Answer me. Why did you leave? Is it just one of those spontaneous things you felt the need to do? Is it something I did? Duo, give me a goddamn clue, I can't fucking read your mind!"

Even though he knows a few passerby's have turned their heads to look at them he replies back in a voice that's a perfect imitation of Heero in all but the passion of the words "Just one of those spontaneous things."

Rather than retaliate and start shouting at him like Wufei undoubtedly would have were in Heero's position, Heero absently runs a hand through his bangs and against his forehead hard enough that it looks as though it hurts, and sits down on the bench next to Duo. "I don't know what to do. I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm doing. I thought I'd figure it out, I thought I could handle it…like it would be much easier after winning a damn war." He seems amazed by his words, as though finally speaking the truth has somehow made this easier for him to deal with "I thought that you would turn into old Duo right away. I don't know, I figured maybe you were just a little lost before and we'd help you figure things out."

There are quite a few things wrong with what Heero just said, but Duo is waiting for the 'but' and the words that are sure to follow. "But…?" He prompts.

"But I don't have a fucking clue how to deal with you. I don't know what to do when you leave me sitting by myself outside a dressing room for fifteen minutes, longer if I had been more patient, and then you tell me you just did it for no reason."

"What do you mean you thought the old Duo would be back?" Duo demands, ignoring Heero's last words. He figures he'll deal with one thing at a time.

Heero blinks at him like he's just said the most idiotic thing in the world, like he doesn't even have a clue how to respond to it because it was just that dumb and out there. Duo's just not sure if it's because the statement was semi-late or because the answer was completely obvious to everyone but him.

"You can't mean to tell me that you don't think you've changed _at all_." Heero says slowly. Because it's a given that change is expected as time goes on, Duo thinks that Heero's trying to say in a sort-of nice way that his changes are a little…well to put it lightly, fucked up.

Not that Heero's are normal either, it just makes him seem more human…which is scary when you think about it…Duo thinks to himself and then promptly stops that train of thought when he realizes he's staring off into space and Heero's staring directly at him. In the eyes and everything, and that always scares Duo because he can't control how his stomach seems to drop and the way his heart pauses briefly.

There's something about the look that makes Duo want to give Heero…something "This part of me has always been there…I just buried it underneath everything so I could survive, you know? So I could get along with you guys. I thought you'd all like me if I wasn't an asshole." He wants to add, but you never liked me much anyway, I was just an idiot to you, but part of him knows that's not true and the other part just doesn't want to sound like a whiny baby.

To fill the silence that comes when Heero doesn't respond Duo adds "Kinda like you…I mean I'm sure there was a human behind the cold exterior thing, you know?"

"Was I really that bad?" Heero asks suddenly like it's been on his mind for a long time, he just hasn't had the courage to say it before.

"Ah…" Duo rubs the back of his neck and suddenly feels bad, that always gets to him, when people get sensitive. He can't stand to hurt people when they sound like Heero sounds right then. He can deal with people that are arrogant, all high and mighty, angry, fighting back, etc, but all his anger deflates like a popped balloon when someone responds like that. How do you fire back with something when there's no ammunition? "You had you're moments, but sometimes you were really…nice."

Apparently that's all Heero wanted to hear and since Duo didn't sound like he was trying too hard he accepted it "About things I said during the war…like…"

"It's ok." Duo replies—cutting Heero off not because he saw it was hard for Heero to say, but because it was hard for him to hear—even though it wasn't ok until this moment.

Once again Duo's left with that feeling of regret, like there was something more he should have said, and that he'd been given another opportunity to say it even though he thought they wouldn't have a conversation like this again, and he's blown it. It sucks and Duo's mood that hasn't really improved at all despite Heero's attempt to apologize for all the things that he knows—and some things that he just knows he did even though he can't remember what they were—to anger and hurt Duo during the war. This makes Duo feel even shittier because he's acting stupid and childish again, it's not like war is sugar and honey mixed with candy and joy, how was Heero supposed to act towards him anyway? Were they supposed to have the time of their lives together and be best friends who gave each other high fives after they got out of their gundams, slapped each other on the backs, and stayed up all night talking about when they last got laid? No, that's just plain stupid.

So while Heero's sitting and steaming over Duo's 'capricious' nature, and while Duo's got his hands clasped together, squeezing them so that it hurts, they both realize that they're starving. Hunger can be the cause for intensified anger, but it can also take your mind off the matter at hand completely.

"Let's go get lunch." Heero mutters and gets up without bothering to tell Duo to follow.

XxXxXxX

Duo watches Heero eat his salad from under his bangs. He vaguely wonders if this is how Trowa feels, if this is why Trowa hides behind his bang…s...—Duo's never been quite sure what to call it—so he can watch people. Duo observes Heero stabbing his fork with unnecessary force and that Heero's face is still as tense as it was when he walked out of the store to find Duo. And that's when it hits him. The thing that's been bugging him, but he just couldn't put his finger on.

"Heero?"

"Hn."

"You know what you said before…?"

"No."

"About how, you know, I was living my life before. Something like that, whatever it was you said. " It's hard to keep his tone neutral, to keep the excitement and accusations out of his voice. It's also hard to remember exactly what Heero had said to make him think this or how to explain his reasoning to Heero. Then it hits him again and the wave of excitement courses through him. "How did you know where to find me? And you can't say Wufei or Trowa or anyone told you because no one's seen the place. No one but me." And there it is, all laid out nice and flat like the napkins and silverware that are on the table in front of them. It's hanging in the air and the words are almost palpable.

Heero freezes and this sends little shivers of surprise and anticipation down Duo's spine. He's caught Heero in the act of _something_ and though he's aware it'll probably be the cause of some extreme resentment and anger in him, he's rather pleased and proud.

"I was there for a week." Heero says and sneaks a glance at Duo before averting his eyes again "before I talked to you. And I asked around, I asked where you might be and they told me that you went there a lot."

"Who told you?"  
"A woman from your building and the man who runs the drug store down the street."

"Oh yeah…Chris…or maybe it was John…" Duo mutters about 'the man who runs the drug store' he was a frequent there for his pain killers and for a while his half heartened attempt at using anti-depressants which did nothing but make him feel out of it and vulnerable and fake.

He has no way of knowing who the woman was since there were too many faces in his building that he didn't bother remembering because no one stuck around long enough to be worth remembering.

He chews his food slowly and he thinks about this. He knows he should be outraged, but instead he's overwhelmed by this surprised floating sensation as though he's in a dream. Heero had gone through all that trouble…? Duo hates to admit it, but secretly he's a little pleased even though he knows he shouldn't be. He shouldn't be at all.

"Ok."

Heero's looks at him abruptly and he blinks, shocked that Duo isn't flipping out at him, isn't screaming his head off and throwing things at him. "Ok?"

'Should I punish Heero? Should I let him know it was wrong that he did that?' Duo thinks quietly, debating in his head like a parent whose child has just beat up the kid who's been picking on him for years. He's finally stood up for himself after all this time, you know that other kid's a jerk, and you're proud of your kid. Really proud. But inside you know you can't let it go or else it might come back to bite you in the ass, you have to teach them that it's "not the right thing to do" even though inside you're really happy and proud of them.

Yeah it's just like that.

"Yeah ok." Duo says and goes back to eating.

So far Duo's pretty much been the one to initiate conversations, especially regarding more personal matters so he's pretty surprised when Heero interrupts his concentration on his food to say "When Wufei came back he was pretty upset."

"I know, when he left he was pretty pissed off with me because I had missed the job interview he'd set up for me." 'And because I was being a jerk to him and we hadn't stopped fighting since he made me bring him back to my apartment even though I told him I didn't want him to see it because no one, not even Trowa, had seen the apartment since he'd moved in.' Duo adds to himself.

"No I mean he was upset like depressed, he barely spoke for a week and he went off on his own most of the time. He only came home at night looking like he'd just been shaken out of a long sleep, or his train of thought had been broken and he couldn't remember what he'd been thinking about."

"Oh." Duo said slowly, unsure of what Heero was driving at. "I didn't think he cared that much."

Heero gave him that look, the 'you're an idiot and even though I know that I'm still going to look appropriately surprised about what you say and do' look. "Yeah. He care's that much." Heero's eyes give a slight roll and the sarcastic tone is light but obvious.

Heero stabs at his salad again and Duo wonders just what exactly he and Wufei have been talking about when he's not around to hear.

TBC

Sugar, spice and everything nice. Sorry not much of that going on here :P. Next chapters will reveal much. Will answer some questions about Trowa, Quatre, and yes Wufei.

Thanks to:

Lolly sister: Glad you liked it. And yes, Wufei will most likely be hurt by events in the story, but I can't say much more than that.

Mithros: Haha well it's not necessarily a bad thing to have that in your mind but in Duo's case it wasn't exactly making things easier. Let's just say Duo's trying not to think about what he witnessed, or at least not how it makes him feel. Avoiding feelings/denial is fun!

Alonelyshadow:D am actually updating quicker than I planned. I felt like being nice to you guys for a change instead of making you wait for another 3-4 days.

Ryoko3600: Thank you, hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Dk-joy: Aw thanks! I hope it continues to be good and that you continue to enjoy it.

Kichiko: Blush I can't tell you how happy your comment made me. I'm still growing as a writer and it's always nice to hear people think you write well.

ZaKai: hugs I'm glad you liked that part, I love when people say certain parts/things they liked.

Satanic-Purple-Onion: XDD Your reviews always make me smile! Hope you liked this chapter.


	10. chapter 10

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 9

He lies awake in bed doing the very thing he had promised himself not to do. Losing sleep over _everything._ It's one of those times when the more you try not to think and just go to sleep the more your mind rebels and thinks about every little thing that's crossed your mind in the past 10 years.

Right now he's thinking about the very people he's tried to block out for so long so he could avoid the guilt and hurt that comes with the thoughts.

Duo's seen every single one of the pilots since the war and despite the fact that they're all old friends by now, he feels so far from them all it hurts. It's not like he didn't have the chance to be with them like they are now either. They hadn't always been this way. They'd drifted apart for awhile after the war, traveling down their own paths and trying to find their own way in the world. The thing was, they'd all come together, finding some happiness and comfort in the only people who could ever really understand them. He'd just been a little slow on the uptake.

Trowa of all people was the one to seek him out. Duo has always had an admiration for Trowa, but of all the pilots he was the one he had been the least close to. For sure the Heavyarms pilot had been beautiful, graceful, and when you got him to talk he proved to be a good conversationalist, but first of all Quatre had loved him from the start—even though he didn't realize he was 'in love' until much later, but that's another story—and Duo wasn't going to fall into that mess. Second of all he just hadn't had a lot of chances to get to know the guy as a friend or whatever. Third of all Duo had been infatuated with a certain brooding, Prussian eyed soldier since he'd shot him and then in turn helped him break out of an oz hospital.

Trowa had shown up at his door—which he'd promptly shut behind him when he walked out into the hall—and said very calmly, as he'd lent against the wall across from Duo's apartment, "Duo."

After that Trowa had stuck around with him for awhile—a damn long time actually—and Duo never once asked why he'd shown up. He'd assumed it was because Quatre had asked him since he'd doubtlessly been too busy to come seeing as he was swamped with work after taking over his fathers companies. Being heir to the Winner fortune and taking over his father's companies/businesses had its plusses and minuses so to speak.

He remembers vividly how nice it was to have someone with him, keeping him company, especially a person whom he'd least expected. It added a nice mystery and excitement to have someone who he was still getting to know. It was also pretty darn nice to have someone all to himself.

The only thing was that, although Trowa was with him for about a year and a half, he would disappear on and off. He'd be there one day and then he wouldn't turn up for weeks at a time. And since they weren't living together, and since he'd only gone to whatever hotel room Trowa was staying in—he never let Trowa inside his apartment for fear of what the other might think of him, and what that might entail—it was harder to track him down.

Sure Duo could have, he was a Gundam pilot for Christ's sake, it was just he didn't feel like it. Besides, he had a few suspicions as to what the reasons were and he figured he'd rather not know. After years and years of being let down, he realized that ignorance is truly bliss. So for long time he just didn't ask.

And for a long time he was actually pretty happy. Right around the time Trowa came was when the cutting was still pretty bad, but during the time he was with him, he had pretty much stopped except for the odd time when he'd feel so overcome with a sadness, an emptiness, that was almost palpable, that he had to relieve some of it; and that was the only way he knew.

Trowa also had a way of bringing up some memories and stirring up old, not quite forgotten, but well hidden, pain. There was one memory in particular that he'd tried hard to forget about, not because it was disturbing, but because it made him feel regretful. It gave him that feeling that he should have done something differently, that things could have and should have been different and that he could have been happier if he'd done things right.

The memory, this whole memory, is about Wufei. Of all people, it's Wufei.

And now, tonight, the memory comes back to him like he wished it never would, the memory of telling Trowa what happened. He'd worked so hard to block it from his mind. Duo blames it on Heero. He's angry at Heero for reminding him because their stupid conversation was the only thing that could have sparked it.

He never meant to hurt Wufei like he did; he never meant to put that crack in their fragile friendship.

And he sure as fucking hell never meant for Wufei to be infatuated with him, or whatever the hell it had been.

He respected all his fellow pilots, no doubt, but besides Heero, Wufei had always fascinated him the most. At first he had been extremely confused by Wufei's personality, even annoyed by it. Sometimes the Shenlong pilot appeared calm, radiating a quiet sort of anger and confidence, and other times he was the loudest most arrogant of the five. Well he was always a little arrogant. That smirk, the look in his eyes, the way he carried himself.

Duo didn't really know him until he'd been thrown into a dirty oz cell with Heero and Wufei. Since they favored Heero to use to test out their new Gundams, the Mercurius and the Vayeate, he'd been alone with Wufei quite a bit and although he didn't find out too much about the Chinese boy he found him interesting and tolerable enough.

If he closes his eyes and concentrates very hard, Duo can still remember the way the cell smelled and looked. He can still remember the color of the mold that covered the sides of the walls. Duo can most defiantly remember the way Wufei tasted against his lips when he'd lifted him up, pulled him against him, and kissed him.

XxXxXxXx

"Stop that." Wufei said sharply, glaring at Duo's hand as it tapped along the walls of the cell.

Duo was curled up against the wall, and all Wufei could see of the pilots head was his braid, which was matted with blood in various places. Wufei could see most was caked on the hair in the center of his head where, Wufei assumed, the most damage had been done.

"Can't you hear the song?" Duo replied absently, his body and mind still weak from the beatings he'd endured. While he wasn't delusional, he wasn't exactly stable at the moment, and Wufei suspected he had a concussion. He wasn't sure of the severity of the concussion, but he also knew Maxwell wasn't up to his usual standards. He wouldn't say mentally unstable because in his mind Maxwell—or any of them for that matter—was not mentally stable.

Wufei looked less angry and more confused, and he said with slight exasperation, "What song, Maxwell, are you referring to?"

"You know…that one they play on the radio sometimes."

"Ah, that one." Wufei said dryly.

"Yeah," Duo continued, "When I tap like this," he began tapping again, "I can hear the song. Why can't you hear it?"

"I guess I'm just not listening for it."

"Huh?"

"I don't know the song." Wufei said changing tactics. The conversation was far too strange for him.

Duo just let out a strange laugh that sounded strangled and alien, "That's not that surprising, I guess. You're not into that pop culture shit are you? You're too…you know…high and mighty? Mature? I dunno, above all that stuff?"

When Wufei didn't reply he continued, "Well I'm not. Above that stuff I mean, I like it. It makes me feel normal, which I'm not and never will be, but I like the way it makes me feel. Like I'm a part of something because I know all these other people are listening to the same music as I am. I wish I could be more like you and not care about that, but I do."

That surprised Wufei since that was the first time anyone had ever wanted to be 'more like him'. He scowled and thought he wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It was hard trying to find justice in the world these days, and with the ever changing times it was hard enough to stick to what you believed in and not stray from the path you'd originally chosen.

Involuntarily, he moved closer to Duo.

Before, the loud, talkative boy had been a source of annoyance and even dislike, but now he found him to be slightly intriguing, enticingly vulnerable and even relatively sane in this quiet, almost sad, state.

Duo felt the movement behind him and turned to face Wufei. It seemed to take a good amount of strength for him to do so, but he fought off a wince of pain and asked, "Do you ever wish you were someone else?"

Wufei considered this, had he ever wanted to be someone else? There was no one in particular he had ever wished to be. For sure, he'd wished he himself could be different, or things in his life could have turned out differently, but no, he'd never really actually wanted to be someone else entirely. "No."

"Must be nice." Duo mumbled.

"Not really." Wufei shrugged and Duo smiled.

"Sometimes I wish I were that kid I almost killed, the one whose mother came along and picked him up as the buildings started to crash down around them, even though she knew he was in danger. She saved his life and her own. I wish I were that kid. If I were I'd be…" He closed his eyes "About 8 now. I wish I were 8 years old and that when I was my age now, 15, I'd be living in peace time and the war would just be a strange, bad memory that I'd think about once in awhile and then forget right when my friend called my name to tell me to come play some ball game with him. You know 'Fei? That's who I want to be. I want to be a kid who has a mom who loves him, friends who care about him, and hands that aren't covered with blood."

"You wish to have a mother?" Wufei inquired, unsure of what else to say after that insight into Duo's mind. He'd always thought that Duo was too cheerful, that his behavior was inappropriate for war time, but perhaps there were emotions inside Duo that he'd overlooked. Perhaps there was more to him then he let on.

"Yeah I 'wish to have a mother'," Duo replied, imitating Wufei, "You always want what you don't have, especially when you've had a taste of what it's like to have one."

"You had a…motherly figure?"

"Sister Helen. Her name was Sister Helen." Wufei could hear Duo's voice catch briefly, but he continued "And she was like a mother to me for awhile." Duo grew very silent.

"What happened?" Wufei prompted right as Duo continued.

"But…she died."

Duo stopped talking, obviously not wishing to discuss the subject more.

"I'm sorry."

He was rewarded with a smile, "You know 'Fei, anyone can say that, but with you it sounds sincere."

Wufei blinked at him, wondering how else he would have sounded since he was genuinely sorry for Duo, fully aware of what it was like to lose someone you loved.

Once again Wufei inched closer to Duo like he was a magnet, drawing him closer and closer until he was so close he could feel the warmth radiating off Duo's body.

Maybe it was the way Duo looked so beautiful and strong despite how broken and battered his body was. Maybe it was the way his lips were parted and Wufei could feel him breathing heavily from beside him. Or maybe it was how weak Duo made him feel right then. Whatever it was, it caused Wufei to bend forward and kiss Duo's lips that tasted of blood and something sweet.

"Why?" Duo managed to ask when he broke the kiss, his eyes widening with a sort of awe at the prospect of Wufei wanting him in some way.

Wufei's eyes had glinted in the dark of the cell as he said "There's something about you, Maxwell, some loneliness in you calls to me." He struggled for words that would explain it to Duo, but mostly to himself, "I'm weak," was all he could manage, and even though that wasn't was he'd really meant to say, it suited him for the moment.

XxXxXxXx

Now it almost makes Duo laugh and cry to remember how Wufei was back then and how he is now. Back then he was so adamant to love, bleeding hearts (and women), but he was still a teenage boy who couldn't fight his feelings completely, who still needed satisfaction, or at least that's how Duo had perceived the incident. His mind had tangoed with many different explanations, and that was the one he'd come up with, Wufei had needed relief and Duo was his only option at the time, and he'd probably been scared and clung to the first person around who was like him—piloted a Gundam and fought against Oz—and maybe even fallen for him a little. You know, got lost in the moment. Even though Duo's never warmed up to that thought, it's the only one he hasn't cast aside.

With all the things Heero and Wufei had in common they're pretty different when it comes to emotions. Despite the similarities, the two go about using and dealing with their emotions in very different ways. Heero doesn't tend to deny them and he's been one to say 'follow your heart' on a few occasions. He just throws his emotions aside and decides that he's following his heart. That is, when he feels he has emotions, most of the time he's convinced he's never had any to begin with.

That's one of the reasons that Duo's got this weird suspicion that maybe Wufei and Heero have been "together" for awhile now. The fact that they're so similar, but different enough that it's still…interesting. It would make sense because they're both strong. They both respect each other. If you take away all the mushy gooey romantic crap, it could make perfect sense in some crazy way that he'd never dreamed of before. After all, they did seem pretty familiar with each other. Like really really familiar. And now that he thinks about it he remembers certain times in the past when this would all make perfect sense. This shouldn't bother him, though, because he knows that and he keeps telling himself that, but that doesn't change his feelings. It shouldn't bother him because it's his fault he's alone, it's his fault he doesn't have…Heero.

Or Wufei.

It's his fault because he put himself away from everyone, because he just couldn't _deal_ with things and now he's bitter and more alone than he was before. Whenever before was. He's alone because after Wufei kissed him he avoided him, he didn't think he could really give anyone satisfaction or anything. And he felt like Wufei had seen too much of his soul. It's hard to be around someone who's seen you so broken and vulnerable especially when you've been trying so hard to show them you're strong and not just an annoying, hyper, overly-excited mess. Duo doesn't like when people know him to well. If they knew him to well then they'd probably just be disgusted by him, or hate him.

Sure he'd felt something for Heero and wanted to know Heero, and he wanted Heero to know him, but he hadn't thought it was love or even really lust, he'd just wanted something more from the guy, he had just wanted to be with him. And he felt comfortable longing for Heero because he never really believed that Heero would try to get to know him. Despite the fact that their friendship grew during the war, and that he witnessed Heero changing over the course of the war, he never thought he'd have to reveal himself to Heero because Heero would never be able to reveal himself to Duo. It was complicated, but that's how Duo thought. His thoughts were full of contradictions and nonsense, but isn't everyone's mind like that? What does it matter; you're the only one who has to deal with your thoughts after all.

There's more to it than that, but why bring that up when he's tried so hard to forget it, to block it, to get over it?

Duo also knew that getting close to people was wrong. He means close like you hurt when they aren't there and your heart is filled with love when they are; whether it was friendship or love Duo knew he couldn't handle it then.

So maybe Wufei turned to Heero for release. Maybe Heero was his second choice, second best, who knows. Duo just knows that maybe he lost his chance for the one thing he wants more then anything now. Heero probably went for whatever Wufei had wanted because like Duo's said before, they were similar and Wufei would never expect Heero to compromise a mission to save his ass no matter how many times he'd fucked it. Gundam pilots/soliders/terrorists or not, they were five 15 year old boys who were all attractive in their own respects and whose hormones were really starting to kick in.

After he told Trowa all that—including some of his reasons for pulling away from Wufei, even though he probably could have fallen for him, and heck maybe he's been a little bit in love with him for a long time—Trowa just looked at him and after a moment of silence he said, "I never knew…I never knew Wufei would do something like that."

"Yeah, well, sometimes people surprise you I guess. What can you do?" Duo said without looking up from the spot on the bed, where Trowa had spent the past few nights, which was in hotel room number…what, 5? They had all looked the same, but then again what could you really expect from L2, and Trowa never complained.

It was about six weeks after that that Trowa left. "I have another mission. It's back on L3 where Quat and me have been living. You know I'd stay longer if I could."

Even though Duo knew that Trowa probably missed Quatre—by that point Trowa had actually stated that he and Quatre were together. Duo was surprised that it had only happened about six months before he came. He could have sworn they were together for years. But as Trowa said sometimes things just take some time to come together even when they were meant to be—he also knew that Trowa meant what he said.

Plus he figured Trowa must have visited Quatre a few times, and he probably had a phone bill the size of China for all the times he had called him.

"Yeah I figured you weren't here strictly for…pleasure." Duo said; his smile tight and strained. It didn't matter though, the way his smile looked, because Trowa had his eyes towards the ground the whole time he was speaking anyway. Goodbyes weren't easy, especially when you felt like you were betraying the person by leaving.

"I wasn't here strictly for business either." Trowa said finally looking up at him, and Duo could see that he meant this as well.

His smile relaxed a little, but still didn't have an entirely natural look to it.

"Quatre wanted to know…I wanted to know…if you'd come back with me? For a little while anyway. We'd love to have you stay with us. Don't look at me like that." Trowa said as Duo gave him a doubtful look and averted his eyes. "I mean it."

This is where Duo thinks he made his mistake. He should have gone home and tried to cry, or cut his wrist and watched the blood slide down his hands and fall to the ground in perfect little droplets. Then after that maybe he should have gone. But Duo's mistake was that he said yes, and went with Trowa right away because he couldn't bear to lose someone else.

TBC

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! It's getting hard to thank everyone individually so I'm going to start replying to just a few. Most likely if yours just says "it's great, keep going" I won't respond to that because for all those there is only one reply "thank you! I'm happy to know people are reading and enjoying. Hope you like the next chapter!"

Replies:

HeeroDuo4eva: God I just wanted to not reply to this, but I would feel bad if you thought I was ignoring you :P! It'll sort of be a 1x2x5…well you'll see. It's complicated. Thank you for always reviewing, I hope you continue to read and enjoy!

Zakai: Aw! I'm so glad you liked those parts, and like I said I love how you tell me which parts you like. I really appreciate that.

Mithros: Heheh….maaaaybbeee.

Kurai-Youkai: I don't know what to say except your review made my day. Since I can't possibly explain why it means so much to be I'll just do this glomps you. Am very, very flattered.

Ahanchan: Glad you liked it because there are many more to come :D! I hope you guys don't mind a lot of introspective, I guess I'm really into writing that stuff.

Satanic-purple-onion: Yay! very happy. Oh! I almost called it that, but didn't know if that would sound good there or not. XD uni-bang!

Soulsister: YAY YOU'RE READING IT! glomps I'm so happy you like it! Since all those things you complemented me on are things I was terrified I wasn't writing well, you made my day.

Wildmagic33: I'm so glad someone likes the tense, that's really great to hear. I like to try different styles and I wanted to…er…think outside the box. I was really worried it would come off as annoying or something, and maybe to some it does, but to each his own. So happy you like!

Get ready because from here on out it's going back in time to show you what happened and what all these events are that I keep referring to. Also, be prepared to find out a few more things about Duo's feelings towards Heero. I've left a few hints of certain things, but they've been subtle because I'm trying to…ack well you'll see. Hopefully it will make sense. I love to reveal things later and keep things out in the beginning, only leaving in mentions and basic 'this is what happened, no details included' and then showing the whole story. Then revealing thoughts and feelings and reasons and all that lovely stuff. It all builds up my friends. Hope you enjoy! Feedback would be loved, because I can always edit and repost so it isn't inconvenient for me to do XD!

Oh and you also get to see my portrayal of the other pilots, yay!

Things Duo says may not make full sense now, but fear not, I have things planned and remember it's been about 3-4 years since the war and a lot has happened. As Duo said above the others are close now and are together a lot, you'll see how that came about later. Stay patient 3!

It's funny because I always want to update really fast, but then I realize that even though it feels like it's been a long time it's only been like 3-4 days and that I should spend more time writing more chapters and then posting so I stay ahead of the game. But because tonight I finished another chapter and half of another I think I can post this.

If you see feel there is any inconsistency what so ever (whether it's with plot, characterization or whatever) please tell me and I'll try to fix it and better the story.


	11. chapter 11

So it's what you've all been waiting for: What happened with Quatre? Well I didn't quite know until now, I mean I had an idea, but now I just was like 'this is it.' Hope you like. I'm in love with writing this story when it cooperates like it's been

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 11

The shuttle ride with Trowa was what most people would expect it to be: Quiet. Boringly so. So boring that Duo had taken to pulling his headphone plug slightly out of it's socket so that he could only hear the instruments from songs, rather then voices. It was kind of interesting, but like the rest of the ride, it got boring after awhile.

"So, Tro." Duo said sharply, and turned to his friend "How's Quatre been these days? How's everyone been these days?" Despite the fact that it would seem only natural for Duo to inquire about his old friends, he felt strange and wondered if he sounded nervous. He was nervous, like Trowa would think something was up since, aside from the obligatory 'oh they're doing fine', he wanted more. He wanted to be brought up to date with everything that had been going on with them, he wanted to catch up right then, and when he got there everything would just be normal. Duo knew he was out of the loop; it was just that he was able to ignore that while he was away from them.

Trowa reached a hand over to brush Duo's bangs away from his forehead and he said "It's going to be fine, Duo. Quatre can't wait to see you, and I promise you won't have to see anyone or do anything that you don't want to do. You'll be fine." And Duo realized just how much he'd grown to love Trowa and just how much he was going to miss him in the future. He fought off the lump in his throat as he thought how much easier life was to deal with when you had someone to take your mind off it. Duo didn't speak for the rest of the flight for fear that something would cause his throat to tighten again.

XxXxXxXxXx

Before they'd even taken one step inside Quatre's house—well house was quite an understatement—Duo found himself in the arms of the blonde boy he'd grown so fond of during the war. Instead of telling Quatre how he couldn't breathe and how he was pretty sure his circulation was being cut off, he threw his arms around the other boy and grinned into his shoulder.

Duo pulled away, still grinning, and said, "Hey Q-man how ya been? I've missed you."

One thing Duo has always loved about Quatre is that he has this ability to not make you feel like a complete ass by twisting your words or exposing the weaknesses which he always seems to know. He's tactful and kind and, unlike Heero or Wufei, he isn't blunt unless he needs to be. So rather than say to him 'if you missed me then why didn't you call? Or visit? Or send a god damned Christmas card?' he just says "I've missed you too, Duo! I'm so glad you agreed to come."

Although, knowing Quatre, he probably understood on some level why Duo never did all those things to keep in touch. Since he met Quatre, Duo has always wondered what it's like to be an empath like him. It must be pretty hard since Duo has enough trouble dealing with his own emotions, let alone other people. Besides that, he can't really stand other people's pain, god knows why, he always feels this need to make them happy even though he couldn't care less about his own suffering. Some might call them selfless, but Duo thinks it's selfish, after all it makes him feel better when the people around him are happy so the things he does to make them happy aren't even entirely for them. It's complicated, but then again what else is new with Duo Maxwell.

When Duo had pulled away from Quatre he'd gotten a chance to really look at him. Quatre was about the same height as him, but to Duo's surprise he had a better build then him, most likely courtesy of better nutrition and the fabulous training room that he most likely had. Quatre had started dressing differently after the war; Duo had known that for a long time because it was pretty hard not to see Quatre when he was all over the news all the time. He was everybody's favorite Gundam pilot due to the fact that he didn't glare, scream, ignore, or entirely dodge the media and its henchman.

At one point Duo had been right along side, enjoying the attention he was getting after the Eve Wars, but once that died down and everyone stopped caring what they were doing and where they were doing it; Duo got bored and wandered off in his own direction to try to find something to live for and do for the rest of his life, which seemed to stretch out endlessly before him.

He'd tried a number of things, working as a mechanic, trying to save up for his own scrap yard. All of it pretty much went down the toilet though and even though Hilde had done her best to help him, when she realized Duo would never be more to her then a close friend, she'd gone off to search for happiness of her own accord and the most Duo heard from her was a call here and there. The calls had started out once a week but gradually died down to once a month and then once or twice a year if she had some extra happy or extremely depressing news. Both of which made Duo feel the same. Like shit.

After embracing Duo, Quatre and Trowa stared at each other for a minute in this way that made Duo feel like he was witnessing something intimate and that he should leave. Quatre launched himself forward and Trowa caught him in his arms like he was going to swing him around, but he didn't, he just held him as though he hadn't seen him in years even though Duo knew for a fact that he'd visited him two and a half weeks ago. It made Duo wish that he had someone who loved him that way, and who he loved back and who would do that for him so he could burst out laughing the way Trowa and Quatre did, their laughter intertwining and becoming one and sounding as beautiful and melodic as the music that they played together.

And to think that was even what they looked like when they were restraining themselves—they were just barely doing so, pretty much short of having sex on the stairs—Duo thought as Trowa captured Quatre's lips in a heated, excited kiss. It made Duo wish he had someone to go home to.

Despite his Butler's attempt to take the bags from him, Quatre grabbed Duo's bags—yes plural because at that point in his life, Duo had a few more possessions then he does now, not because he was much different then, but because of his size. He's gotten rid of a bunch of clothing since then because they were too small on him after only a year of wearing them. All together he's grown about 9 inches since he was 15 (now 19) which Duo finds amazing since he'd never really been able to picture himself much taller when he was 15 considering he thought he was going to die before he turned 16. Even though 5'10 was a pretty good height he would rather be 6'1, but who's complaining, right?—and rushed him upstairs, eager to show him the room they'd set aside for him.

Duo stared at Quatre and comically 'dropped his jaw', causing Quatre to break into an even wider grin. Duo turned away from him to investigate the room further. Thinking back on it now, Duo realizes that the room is sort of similar to the one he's staying in now, which isn't surprising since Quatre had decorated both. It was spacious, and there were large glass windows along the sides, and two glass doors that led out onto a nicely sized balcony that held a small table and two chairs. The walls were bare, save for a few paintings, and the room simply contained a wood dresser, a few large, well placed plants, and a large bed with sheets that looked silky and soft and made you long to hop on the bed, feel them, and then stay there forever.

Duo didn't realize that Quatre had been talking until Trowa placed a hand on Quatre's shoulder and told him that Duo was probably tired and maybe they should leave him alone. Duo knew that Trowa meant well for him, but he also knew that was code for, 'I just got back and I want to fuck your brains out now, so let's ditch Duo in a classy way and get to it.'

Trowa may have said it in a nicer way, but that's what he meant. Oh yes, he may try to act quiet and subtle, but Duo knew what went on in Trowa Barton's mind. And what a very dirty mind it was. When he and Quatre went at it, you could hear them even if you thought you'd finally gotten out of ear shot. Kinky boys who knew how to hide it. No matter how much he envied them, Duo loved them.

After they left, Duo instantly went over to the bed and touched the silky-soft blankets like he was trying to seduce them. Once he'd gotten that out of his system he lay down and stared up at the ceiling. So far so good, Duo thought to himself. So far I'm not saying anything stupid and so far I'm not fucking everything up. I haven't even had the urge to cut once.

Yup, Duo almost forgot—or conveniently tried not to remember—it was around that time when the cutting had started to get worse, even though that was right before he stopped doing it all together. It was strange; there were times when he didn't need to do it at all, times when he thought he was done with it. Sometimes that made him happy, but other times that made him feel sad. For some odd reason, cutting made him feel like he had something. He had control over it, he was the one who could hurt himself, and he was the one who could take the pain away. He liked being a little fucked up, and he liked that feeling that he could stop whenever he wanted. Somehow all that made him feel…special, like he was different than everyone else, but there was also this knowledge that there were other people like him who did it for the same reasons, and that made him feel like he was a part of something.

Then there were other times, times the tears wouldn't come, and his throat was so tight he couldn't scream no matter how much he wanted to. It was times like those that the only way he could feel relief was to open up his skin and have it all pour out. When he did that he could feel the pain and anguish flowing out with the blood and evaporating into the air like water. Once he could have sworn that he saw it floating away, and fading into the air like smoke. But when he thought that he was a little high. Or maybe he was drink. Probably a little bit of both.

He falls asleep thinking about all that, so it's no surprise that nightmares visit him that night, unyielding and terrifying. They all blur together, jumping from one horrible event, one horrifying face to another so that it all jumbles together, and when Trowa shakes him awake he can't even begin to describe what happened because it doesn't even make sense to him.

"Duo, Duo, its ok," Quatre said, sitting down next to Duo and wrapping his arms around him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He looked into Quatre's eyes, and he knew that he would only find understanding in Quatre, not judgment or disdain, but something inside of him still didn't want to tell Quatre anything. Duo knew Quatre was no innocent to all the things he'd done and gone through. Quatre had done his own random fucking with guys who may have been handsome but not exactly guys you'd want to meet in a dark alleyway, done his own drugs, and seen his own awful sights. He knew this because Trowa had told him one night after they'd gone home from their day long search of finding the nicest place on L2 and instead ending up at a slightly less seedy bar then usual where Duo had slammed a young guy with pretty, deep blue eyes up against the bathroom wall and fucked him raw.

XxXxXx

Duo hadn't spoken since they'd gotten back to Trowa's current hotel room.

"You ok?"

Duo nodded, not wanting to say anything because the thing he wanted to talk about was the same thing that he _couldn't_ talk about. He tried to change the subject and end the conversation simultaneously by saying, "Why don't you just get a place here? By now it'd probably be cheaper."

Trowa shrugged and said, "I dunno, I guess I like that temporary feeling. I like that I can get up and leave whenever I start to get bored of the place; find somewhere new. Freedom's nice."

"I can understand that." Duo said, and lighted a cigarette.

"Why do you do that?" Trowa asked.

"What, smoke?"

"No, I mean, fuck guys or get fucked by guys you don't know, in bathrooms until one of you bleeds."

Duo was silent.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want." Trowa said calmly, like he didn't care one way or another.

"No, I will, just lemme think for a minute." He blew smoke out of the side of his mouth and finally decided on saying, "I'm looking for something, I guess, someone. It's nice to be able to cling to someone for a moment and just feel so high on sex, and then there's the drugs in me…it's good man, you know?"

"That doesn't explain the blood, the pain."  
"I dunno, I guess it all kind of links together. I'm alive now, I fucking get that, but sometimes it's real easy to forget that. I mean, couldn't this be…death? Not even hell, just death. Like when you die you go to this place you created in your mind, the place you figured you'd end up if you kept on living your life. Maybe death and life are no different. When I'm bleeding, fucking, getting high or drunk, or even dancing, I can just _feel_. Does that make sense?"

"How could death and life be the same? Doesn't that mean now you couldn't die?" Trowa asked thoughtfully.

"Well, no, because if you die and this is how it is, you would never know."

"Yeah but if you die and go to heaven or hell then you'll be proven wrong."

"Maybe this is hell."

"That doesn't make any sense, Duo."

"So it's nonsense then, right?"

"No, it just isn't logical. Isn't that a good thing though, doesn't that help?"

"Look Trow, I'm still sorta out of it now, ok? I can't even smoke right, let alone think now. Let's talk about something else."

Trowa just shrugged and then came out with a question that caught Duo totally off guard. "Have you ever thought of, you know, putting that creativity of yours to good use?"

"Like…?"  
"Can you write?"

"I've never been good at writing letters and shit, and especially not mission reports—one of the reasons I don't want to join Preventers actually—but I never really had tons of paper to practice just writing on, so I wouldn't really know, I guess."

"Maybe it's something you should try." Trowa suggested.

"Yeah, maybe." Duo said, but didn't really think much of it. His mind kept coming back to Trowa's question about the guys. There was more he wanted to say like 'I always use protection though' and 'I don't even get why I do it, but when I do it I feel like I'm getting back at someone and it feels good.'

Duo figured Trowa's mind had been on the same thing too because he finally after staring out the window for a few minutes, and after Duo finally threw away his cigarette he went, "Quatre and you are so alike, maybe that's why I feel so drawn to you, fucked up as you are."

"Q? Like me. Gotta be fucking kidding me, Trow-boy."

Trowa looked up at him and said evenly, "You'd be surprised by all the things he's done. They kept it pretty hushed up since he's the medias little fucking pet, but I know most of the shit he's done, and I'm betting there's a lot he hasn't told me, or that I haven't seen for myself."

"Like what?" Duo pressed, very interested to hear what Quatre had done.

"When I first met up with Quatre again, about a year ago—right before you left earth to come here again—we were just friends, so my being there didn't stop him from doing what you do now. He experimented and experimented and it was like he was trying to throw it in his family's face because they were always putting so much pressure on him. He was trying to test his own limits, see how far he could go before he crashed. I think I finally realized he was beautiful then, when he'd go out looking like another person, I realized I thought he was beautiful no matter how dark or dirty or drugged up he looked."

"So how did you two finally get it together?" Duo asked, wide eyed.

Trowa gave him a small smile, which Duo instantly recognized as pure Trowa bliss. "I told him I loved him."

"It was that easy?"

"It wasn't easy."

"Oh…" Duo looked slightly puzzled. "Well, how did you get him to stop doing all the…experimenting that he was doing while you guys were just friends?"

"I didn't do anything; once we were together he just stopped."

"Did you ask him about it?" Duo asked, feeling as though this would cause a revelation for him, give him some hope.

"Uh-huh, and he said he didn't need it anymore, because now he'd found it."

"It?"

"That's all he said."

Duo sighed and said dully, "You sure know how to dig deep and ask the right questions."

Trowa actually grinned at him, "Duo, the trick to being happy is knowing how not to ask questions sometimes, to just accept things for what they are. And one day my friend, you'll find someone who will be all you need, but until then I think we should get some sleep.

"Amen." Duo grinned back, and wished he and Trowa had glasses filled with wine or champagne so they could say 'cheers' and get drunk again.

XxXxXx

Despite knowing all that about Quatre, Duo just shook his head and mumbled something like 'later' and let Trowa and Quatre take him to their room, and fell asleep in their bed. He distinctly remembers thinking, right before he fell asleep; thank god I have Trowa and Quatre. Thank god.

It's a shame that thought didn't help his feelings later.

TBC

Weee another chapter done! I have about two and a half more written, hoorah! Hope you're all enjoying. I have so much fun with these memory flashbacks! Don't worry, soon it will be back in present time and you'll get to see more of Wufei.

Thanks to:

HeeroDuo4eva: XD Yup keeping me on my toes is right . 1x2x5 is delicious, but...well you'll just have to keep reading heheheheh.

Ryoko3600: thanks! So glad you continue to r/r the story.

ZaKai: Glad you liked! Thanks for reviewing 3!

Ahanchan: Aw thank you! I'm really glad you're enjoying the flashback scenes and the fact that they reveal more as they go along. They're really fun to write too actually. For some reason Trowa's character has become so fun for me to write 0o!

Lolly sister: Glomps Need I write more?

Satanic-Purple-Onion: Yes poor Fei, hold tight for some more angst on his part though. Yes there was drug abuse going on. I haven't gone into that much yet and don't know if I will, I guess I get to surprise myself huh? Hehe random things are ok, especially since you left a review part and since I like you so much! That sucks but anything that has to do with Trowa is worth it in some way!

Mithros: hehe yeah Fei isn't in to the pop culture stuff like Duo, I'm happy you thought that was cute. 3!

Foxy-comic-death: yay new reviewer! Thank you, hope you continue to read/enjoy the fic.


	12. chapter 12

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 12

So here's the deal, Duo Maxwell's led a pretty damn hard life, but here's a rough outline; he's this orphan kid with no one, but a guy named Solo who he loves with all his heart because this guy takes care of him, maybe even loves him, and what happens to Solo? He fucking dies. So after that Duo's lucky enough to be taken in by Father Maxwell and Sister Helen; two damn wonderful people who don't hesitate to love Duo and treat him well from the minute he walks through those church doors, no matter how dirty, filthy, or rude he is. Duo admits he was damn adorable, but it was hard to tell with all the layers of dirt and that stench that comes from not having bathed in…well lets just say a very long time. Then because of the goddamned war, which Duo later fights in and helps to win, the church is destroyed along with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. Sometime after this tragedy, Duo's brought in by Dr. G and trained to fight in someone else's goddamned war, which again, he helped to win. So after winning this war, Duo thinks things are going to finally turn out right, right? Wrong. For a while the pilots are sort of together, clinging and trying to lean on each other so they can handle the sudden media attention and praise and love that is given to them. Duo's falling even more for this certain ex-terrorist with a death glare that not even Duo can laugh off, and nothings coming out of it because Heero is emotionally retarded at this point, and Duo isn't really quite sure how to change that since he's kind of emotionally challenged too. After all the insanity dies down they all stop needing each other as much and start to drift apart. So in an attempt to create a life for himself, Duo heads back to L2 to try to pursue a career with his buddy Hilde. That doesn't work out as planned so now Duo's wasted about a year of his life, and it's been a year and a half since the war. He's 17 years old going on 18 and life still looks like it's got a shot.

Wrong.

He ends up living in some shit hole because he can't find a job he really cares to keep, and he's only got so much money to live off of. So it's kind of a shock to him when old war time buddy Trowa shows up at his door. Trowa's with him about a year, even celebrates Duo's 18th birthday with him (and would have celebrated his 19th as well if Duo hadn't been so stupid). It's all well and good at that point, but Duo's got no real love life and no real job either.

Seeing as how he's survived everything listed so far, you'd think he'd be able not to fuck up his stay with Quatre and Trowa, but no, no, Duo can never have things turn out right.

That's what's going on in the back of his mind, this dictation of his life so far, while he's grabbing his bags and telling Quatre he's leaving and just can't take it right now, he needs to be alone.

It's one of those things that you can't explain, like when something just makes you feel so mad, and you can't quite place the blame on anyone so that just makes you feel crazier inside. Plus, there's that feeling of terror in Duo's mind that he'll never find someone, that he'll die wondering what love is like, that he'll die without make something out of himself. That he'll have wasted everything. That scares him more than anything because god he wants to do something with his life.

Quatre couldn't figure out what had happened, like so many other people in Duo's life, one minute he was fine—well not like this at least. Before, he'd been sleeping, not freaking out, and he hadn't been having a nightmare—and the next he's doing this. He'd woken up next to Trowa; Duo was on the outside of the bed because he couldn't stand being between people, he needed space. Besides that, that felt too intrusive for his liking. When he woke up he looked over at them, they weren't in each others arms, but Duo could see that their hands were resting against each other and that they were facing into one another. It was sweet, and a profound sorrow enveloped Duo like a wave, and suddenly he was pulled under into a place where the water was so heavy that he couldn't swim up or down, he was just floating in the middle of this dark water where everything weighed him down. No escape.

He wanted to scream.

He wanted to slice his skin and let it all out.

So he fled because Duo Maxwell knew how to run and hide.

"Sorry Quatre, bye Trowa." Duo whispered more to himself then to anyone because there was no way either one of them could have heard him when he was already out the door and they were left standing in the hallway half dressed, looking upset and confused.

Duo had this hope that Trowa understood because Trowa always seemed to understand, and if Trowa could then Quatre somehow would too. That's the only thing that gave him comfort then. Knowing that he probably hadn't lost them gave him some light.

Within a day he found himself back in his little hell hole, but at least it was his own hell hole and at least there he didn't have to wake up thinking that the person next to him in bed was Heero Yuy.

Oh fuck it, fine, he'd thought that. What was the use in denying all that buried shit now anyway. He was already pretty fucked. Trying to forget about Heero was like trying to forget you had a third arm.

XxXxXx

It's not that Duo can blame Heero for lots of shit, and it's not like he can quite say that he fucked all those guys—many of which, he'll admit, reminded him of Heero in some way or another, whether it was because they were emotionally inexperienced or because they had this certain way about them or even just the color of their eyes—as a way to show Heero, who obviously had no idea what was going on until Wufei had come to investigate and reported back to him, that he wasn't pining over him.

Duo doesn't pine. He hates the way that sounds. He loves, he lusts, and he doesn't lie awake at night crying about it. He has some dignity and he does have pride, and he'll be fucking damned if he's going to break down in front of Heero sobbing about how during the war he'd jerked off thinking about him and how his little sessions and wet dreams had turned into a young crush where he'd even kinda sorta dreamed about a Heero that suddenly showed signs of liking Duo the same way by giving him special treatment, like being nice to him and no one else, like 'that Rele…whatever her name was, girl.' Duo would be worth something in his eyes.

It's not really so strange, what Duo's been doing. Everyone has that person that they care about, but don't want to because they know it will only hurt them. So no matter how much you try not think about them, in the corner of your mind there's a little shrine to them, filled with pictures of the clothes they wore (spandex and a green tank-top), locks of their hair (chocolate brown, falls in front of his eyes making him look so dark and desirable), random images you've saved up. Why it even has sound clips of their voice that plays over whatever you wanted to hear. Duo used to really get off on that one time when Heero had said "You need to get the mission done" because it made him laugh and turned him on at the same time. The shrine in your mind has everything short of gum they've chewed and put on a piece of paper only to have you steal it because you were so damn into them. Duo never would have gone that far, but he's seen shows where the people do that, and he finds it funny. Very funny.

Duo also likes drama, but not obnoxious movie drama where there're tears and breaking down and suddenly everyone is out of character because they're in love. If he gets Heero he wants it to be a Heero he knows, just one that can feel and live and give Duo what he wants. The Heero that Duo's seeing now could probably be that Heero if he wasn't with Wufei.

Which is another damn thing, and there's already so many things that Duo's head hurts. For one thing, what is up with their relationship? From what Duo has seen he isn't the only one with issues around here. They reminded him of himself with someone he picked up from a bar or club, only there was some passion there with Heero and Wufei, there was something more then 'fuck buddy' and something less than 'lover' because lover implies love and that did not seem like love. Or at least not Quatre and Trowa love. Duo knows there is more than one kind of love, but he's also intuitive and that definitely did not appear to be love.

Duo mulls over all this while he lies awake in bed, unconsciously straining his ears for any sign that Heero is sneaking into Wufei's room or vice versa. He doesn't hear anything, but that doesn't mean much when you're living with two Gundam Pilots.

He's sort of aware when he falls asleep, and he knows that when he's screaming at Heero for trying to find him sooner, not just trying to find him because of the things he'd heard, that it's in his dream; so he can say whatever he wants. He knows that when he's telling Wufei how sorry he is he can say whatever embarrassing, emotionally revealing thing he wants because it's all a dream.

Most of all he knows that he can ask them all the questions he wants to because he doesn't really expect to receive any of the answers that he's afraid of.

XxXxXx

"Must you play the radio so loud?" Wufei asks with annoyance, glancing over at Duo as he steers the car.

If Duo remembers how he'd been tapping a song that day Wufei had kissed him, then he would wonder if Wufei was thinking about that now. However, since Duo wasn't exactly thinking quite clearly at the time of the incident, due to the fact that his head was spinning and throbbing and his body hurt so bad it was numb, he doesn't recall that and is sparred even more emotional turmoil.

"I like this song, don't you like it?" When Wufei shakes his head and makes a face, Duo says with exasperation, "How can you not? It's so good! Listen to that guitar; it's fucking amazing 'Fei! Jesus, what music _do_ you like?"  
Wufei shrugs. "Obviously not the kind you are accustomed to. I prefer…"

"Classical?" Duo snorts.

"No." Wufei says angrily, "That wasn't what I was going to say, although I do enjoy a bit of classical music now and then if you must know. What I was going to say was, I just enjoy music that is intelligible. I can't understand what he's saying despite the fact that he's screaming, because of that damned guitar."

Instead of launching into an impassioned argument Duo thinks about this. "Yeah, I guess it does grate on your nerves after awhile. I kinda like the lyrics though, at least what I can make out of it."

"Hmmm."

"Put on something you like."

Wufei reaches a hand out to flip to another station. "This song."

"Hey! I love this song." He nudges Wufei's arm, causing the other boy to look startled and slightly flustered. "I didn't know you had good taste, I'm impressed." And very pleased, Duo added silently.

Even though Wufei doesn't reply, Duo can see that he looks considerably less tense, and even a little happy.

"So…can we please go home?"

"Nope."

"Well then can I jump out of the car and run back home?"

"No."

"Hmm, you're a hard guy to sway Wufei, it's no wonder Heero picked you to take me here."

Wufei waits.

"So why don't you just not tell Heero about it and we both win. He still thinks you can handle it all, and I don't have to go tell some stranger about my problems."

"Nice try, Maxwell, but you aren't going to get out of this one no matter how much you suck up to me."

"I secretly think those hideous white workout pants that you wore during the war, are really sexy."

This just causes Wufei's face to color slightly. Duo prides himself in having the amazing ability to do that to him.

"Don't make me beg."

"Oh believe me, as much as I would love to see that, I won't make you." Wufei snorts and keeps his eyes on the road.

"I don't want to do this!"

"For gods sake Maxwell! It isn't that terrible." Wufei tells him with frustration. "Besides, you were the one who agreed to it and said you thought you needed it. No one could force you to go."

"Ok first of all, I was half joking when I said that! I mean it like 'oh hey living with you guys makes me need therapy.'" That's only partially true. "Second of all, I'm pretty sure this qualifies as forcing. Third of all, are you trying to tell me that _you_ had therapy?"

"This is not _force_. It's merely…reinforcing. I'm being a supportive friend by making sure you go through with it. It's in your best interest." Wufei smirks. "And yes, I did take therapy, and it wasn't that bad. Granted, I stopped going after a month, but yes it wasn't as difficult as I'd presumed it to be prior to the first meeting."

"Why'd you quit?" Duo asks suspiciously.

"I didn't feel it was doing me any good. It was useless to me, but it was required that I go in the first place."

"Required? Like the Preventers wouldn't hire you if you didn't."

Wufei gives him a wry smile. "Something like that. Sally said if I didn't she'd make sure Une wouldn't hire me, and on top of that she would make sure my life was a living hell."

"Sounds…fair."

Wufei just lets out a short laugh, but it isn't unkind. Wufei just doesn't normally break out into outright laughter, when he does it's a treat.

"So…my reward for going…?"

"Reward?"  
"Well if you insist. Can we go to that diner place I saw on the way here? They had a sign up for their special. It was something with crab and damn I love the seafood."

"I suppose."

"Boy Fei, you really are an enthusiastic guy." Duo grins at Wufei as they pull into the parking lot of Duo's new "favorite place."

TBC

First of all, I love writing this fic so much. I'm not sure how many chapters there's going to be. I do however, know where I'm going with it and have written certain scenes and parts down. Tell me what you like, tell me what you don't like, it all makes me happy. I really _really_ don't want this to ever get sappy or corny or cliché. Obviously, some things are impossible to avoid. Love in general tends to have some sap, but that's good, there's a certain level of sap that's good. Slight sap after real angst is good. Romance and all stories has to be cliché in some way, I mean it's all be done before, but that doesn't mean we still don't swoon from it, or don't get chills, or don't enjoy it. There's some stuff that just seems so fake and unreal and I pray I don't write something like that, I try my best to steer clear of that. I strive to have my story be different than that, but I need feedback to help reinforce that, to find what you guys like to read as well.

Did I mention than you guys have made my life? 82 reviews 00. I get a happy smile on my face when I come on and see the reviews themselves and the numbers on my stats. So for doing your part, here's mine 3.

Thanks to:

HeeroDuo4eva: Hehe yes innocent, sweet do-gooder Quatre is not for this fic! Hmm maybe I'll put in some more Quatre stuff, that isn't important to the plot yet, but who knows how I could fit it in. Just gonna have to see what happens I guess :D!

Mithros: Yup nightmares wasn't quite it. It was more psychological…Poor Duo. Don't worry he's miserable, but aren't most humans? He'll find some happiness, don't you worry. Glad you liked Quatre as well :D!

Slipknotrulez: Thank you! I'm glad you like my writing and that you enjoy the way I write emotions. Feedback like yours really makes me feel good and encourages me to write more.

Ryoko3600:D glad you liked. Hope this was fast enough.

Satanic-Purple-Onion: I'm so pleased with the response I've gotten to Quatre in this fic. Glad to make you happy :D. Don't worry there is a lot of Wu angst to come.

Susan: Glad you liked them enough to read them all so quickly. That's a good sign right there I guess ! Thank you for taking the time to review after so much was spent reading means a lot to me, and I hope you continue to read/enjoy.

Reki/Akira Kinryu: Glomps You're reviews always make me happy because 1. they're from you and 2. they tend to make me laugh XD! The cats and the sickness cracks up I'm so happy that you like and read this fic, it really means a lot to me. And for good measure…YUS! Am influenced by you with my online speak-ness.

Zakai: Thanks. Glad you liked, that's a big compliment for me, all of what you said. I can't tell you how nice it is to come online and read these reviews.

Lollysister: I completely agree. Each one of the characters is much deeper than many fic writers portray. I can't stand the stereotypes unless they're for comedy purposes (refer to my parody fics) in which case it's perfectly acceptable and good. Comedy/parody fics tend to be a lot better when there's a stereotype to build off of so I guess we can thank those writers for something XD!

Ahanchan: Haha yes that was a flashback. Sorry if it wasn't clear enough ! Flash backs usually start with XxXx (scene change) and are in past tense. Unless I'm just being a moron, which is no excuse since I try to read the fic over a few times. Oh yeah, someone else who likes Trowa 0!

Foxy-comic-death: Hugs Aw thank you. I'm glad you like and are sticking with this fic!

Zero Saotome: Dude I'm so pleased with the response to Quatre. Feedback was great to have. Hugs So glad you like this story so much, will continue to update because I love this story and because I love making you people happy glomp

Vindex: Actually, I can usually write this in any mood. I just fall into it once I get going. That's one of the reasons I love writing so much. Glad you liked even though it was depressing.

Hope my responses aren't too boring…I love all your reviews so much that it seems like I'm writing the same thing even though I try not to. Well if I don't get bored reading reviews than hopefully you guys won't get bored of reading responses. Not a great comparison since no author in their right mind gets bored of that…XD


	13. chapter 13

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 13

When Duo leaves his fist session with Dr. Drakeson he's very pleased to find that there are names for his issues! Oh the excitement. Oh the joy! Duo's so happy right now to know that he's slightly bipolar and he has PTSD!

If pleased means annoyed, angry, and upset, then yes Duo is _very_ pleased. Sure he's know that there are names and labels and reasons for his thoughts/feelings/actions, but there's something unsettling about having someone tell you what you are, and then subscribe medication for them like they're a cold or something. It's frustrating for him and he's not sure why because he knows he should be happy that now he can start to get better. It's probably just that he hates that people know what's wrong with him, like it's private or something. He hates knowing what's wrong with himself.

It also could be the way people make it seem so simple, so unreal with those names. Make it so very common even though to Duo it's big; it's affecting him.

"You've been suffering from PTSD since Sister Helen and Father Maxwell died, haven't you?" Wufei asks him, and Duo thinks he can detect a trace of sympathy.

"Seems like it."

"The war…fighting in it obviously didn't help matters."

"Guess not." Duo mumbles.

"That does explain a few things though…"

Duo starts. "What do you mean?"

"Well people who suffer from PTSD tend to avoid situations where they're reminded of the event."

"So?"

"So, it explains why you have issues getting close to people."

"I don't have trouble getting close to people!" Duo bursts out. Wufei remains silent. "I'm close to Trowa! And Quatre!"

"That may be true, but don't you realize that as soon as you were brought into their life, rather then just having Trowa in yours, you couldn't take it and had to leave?"

"I think that you should leave psychology to my therapist, Wufei." Duo scowls, crosses his arms, and turns to stare out the window for the rest of the ride.

XxXxXx

"Woah! This is some damn good shrimp." Duo says as he reaches across the table for another one of Wufei's almost-finished-thanks-to-Duo shrimp.

"You've certainly cheered up." Wufei grumbles, while watching his food disappear before his eyes.

"Food tends to have that effect on me." Duo declares cheerfully, mouth open around his straw.

Wufei grunts, but refrains from making a sarcastic comment.

After Duo wipes Spite off his lips with the back of his hand, he sits back in his seat, full and content, smiles languidly and says, "So Fei, free will?"

"Hm?"

"Do we have a choice in the matter, or is everything predestined?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Well I've always wondered about it. It's been going on my mind since…well, since I learned about religion. I think I wondered about it before then, but I didn't really know how to describe it. Could things have really happened differently or was it something out of my control?"

"I think…I believe we have some choice in the matter. Or at least I don't believe that there is one set way, meaning there are a few different ways our life could go, but which one you get depends on the deeds you do and the actions you take."

"Well that's kind of obvious isn't it? I think I get what you're saying. It's obvious that there's more than one way life could go potentially, but you're saying that there are set outcomes, but you do have some "choice" in the matter…by like how good of a person you choose to be?"

"Basically."

"It's interesting isn't it? So many things to discuss about that, so many things to consider. I've always wanted to talk about it with someone, and since you used to be a scholar and all I figured you'd be my best bet. I'd love to talk about it with the others too, to like see what they think about it and all, but I wanted to ask you first."

Wufei gives him a small smile and nods, intrigued by Duo's fascination with the subject.

Duo continues, "Do you ever wonder…if we had been different people or done something differently, would we still be here today no matter what?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"What if I committed suicide yesterday? Then we wouldn't be here, would we?"

"Well no, but that's not…you wouldn't do that. I mean what if you had done something characteristic, but different? Then do you think we still would have ended up in the war together? Or could we have ended up fighting each other in battle."

Wufei shakes his head. "I try to focus on today and what is, not what could have been. There's no point in dwelling on those kinds of notions, interesting as they may be. They're perplexing and frustrating and I try not to waste my time and energy on them."

"Yeah, word of advice, don't lose sleep over it like me. It solves nothing, believe me." Duo grins humorlessly. "I just wonder though, were we meant to meet?"

"Perhaps. Either way we have, so there's no point in mulling over how our lives could have been."

"Fei?"

"What?"

"I'm glad I met you." Duo says quietly, takes another sip of his drinks and tells Wufei that he's ready to go.

XxXxXx

"I don't understand him." Wufei confesses exasperatedly to Heero later that night. "One minute he's upset with me for pointing out his problems, and then the next he's asking me about free choice, and fate, and telling me he's glad he met me."

"Hn." Heero continues to type on his computer.

"Will you pay attention to me?" Wufei growls.

"I am paying attention, I'm just busy." Heero says absently. "You don't understand Duo. No one really does, but then again you can never really fully understand one person can you? So that's sort of redundant."

"Shut up Yuy."

"Are you looking for sex right now? I'm busy at the moment; you'll have to wait till later."

"I'm not looking for sex Yuy!" Wufei says angrily. "Why do you automatically assume that just because I'm upset means I'm looking for a fuck!"

Heero's eyes narrow but don't leave the screen. "You use sex to relieve your frustration, do you not? It's only natural that I assume…"

"You always just assume!"

"Look if you're not going to…"

"I'll leave." Wufei says curtly and walks out of the room, scowling darkly. Wufei's so absorbed in his thoughts about Heero and why they always end up fighting, that it startles him when he hears someone speaking to him.

"So what's the matter with you and Heero?" Duo asks, sticking his head out from the bathroom.

Wufei ignores the question, "You take long showers don't you."

"Uh-huh. You wouldn't believe how long it takes to wash this." Duo tugs at his hair. "And then to braid it! Takes all day. So back to my question then, you and Heero ok?"

"What are you implying?" Wufei bristles, not liking the way Duo asked the question. He asks it as though he and Heero are a couple, are involved, which they most certainly are not.

"You and Heero don't seem to get along too well." Duo says slowly, watching Wufei's face carefully.

"We get along alright for the most part."

"Maybe it's just when I'm around that you don't."

Wufei shakes his head. "No it's not that. We don't not get along, we just aren't…It doesn't matter anyway."

"If you two don't get along why do you still live together?"

"I don't know! Maxwell, finish braiding your goddamned hair and stop pestering me."

Duo closes the door without saying anything more on the subject, but Wufei is pretty sure he can hear a muttered 'fuck you too' as the door shuts.

Now that everyone seems to be angry with him, Wufei's day has officially been made. What more could a person ask for? Perhaps some more stress? Well that's exactly what Wufei gets as soon as he walks into the living room. As soon as he walks down the steps the phone starts to ring shrilly, and Wufei although he despises the sound, he prefers this phone to the vid phone.

. Wufei checks the ID like he always does before answering the phone and greets Quatre without very much enthusiasm.

XxXxXx

"Quatre and Trowa are coming by soon." Wufei says when Duo opens his door, hair still damp and only partially braided.

"When?"

"Two days."

"Fuck!"

"Soon, I know." Wufei says miserably.

It's not so much that Duo doesn't want to see them it's just that he can't imagine what he's going to say to them. There's always that awkward moment when they first walk in and you aren't really sure how to act. That moment makes you long for the future when they're already settled and comfortable and everything you say doesn't seem incredibly random. Duo dreads that moment where he's just going to stand there uncomfortably, wondering what he should say. It's even harder because of the way he left it last time.

"Did they call while I was in the shower?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Just wondering. I wanted to make sure you hadn't been withholding information."

"I wouldn't do that."

Duo wasn't expecting Wufei to be excited that they were coming, but he didn't think he'd sound so…down about it. "How come you don't seem so excited?"

"I'm not."

Duo sighs, "Why do you seem so disappointed."

Wufei folds his arms and gives a small shrug. "I always feel on edge with more people around the house, and whenever they're here I feel like I'm…under scrutiny."

"Quatre isn't like that; he doesn't really judge people or anything."

"Not judge, but I feel that he's watching us carefully, trying to understand us. I don't like that."

"Us, like you and Heero?"

Enough with the 'us' questions, Wufei wants to scream, but instead says. "Yes. He seems to watch us and it makes me uncomfortable. Besides that whenever he's here we somehow wind up going to one of his charity events or parties."

"Parties?"

"Whenever the four of us are together he gets this idea that _everyone_ should be together. Then once he gets that Peacecraft woman involved everything goes to hell." Meaning everyone gets involved.

Duo can tell that Wufei hasn't quite warmed up to Relena, and he isn't sure if that's because of her never-quite-diminished-crush on Heero, or just because he doesn't like the young woman in general. She can be a bit irritating, Duo admits, but quite harmless. Unless you count that time when Duo was thinking about asking Heero to dance or to at least go over to keep the sullen boy company, but she had to go over and pull him away; unable to leave him alone for more than a minute. Duo's face feels warm when he remembers how he felt that night, that adrenaline rush he got thinking that it was the night that he was going to get it all out. His face feels even warmer when he thinks about the stupid notions he had and then the disappointment he felt when nothing happened, even though he knew he should have been expecting that.

"Well hey, at least we can deal with it together, huh?" Duo says and nudges Wufei, trying to cheer him up a little because he has this feeling that if he can make Wufei happier about it then he can deal with it too. They can do it together. At this thought Duo gets a warm sensation through his body that could also be described as fuzzy, but that sounds a little too…un-masculine for Duo's tastes.

Wufei offers a small smile. "Looks like it."

TBC

In case it was in any way unclear, Wufei knew about what happened at Quatre's because he was told by Quatre. Heero knew about it too in the beginning chapters…

Plot is definitely unfolding and romance is soon to come. Heheh, I have many scenes already written since I got them down as soon as I was inspired. I can't wait to get up to them, but I know there's more chapters leading up to that (not too many though!)

Thanks to:

ZaKai: 3 glad you liked the chapter, and thank you for making me feel better about that. I always like to be thanked when I review fics because it makes me feel appreciated and want to read/review more chapters. Reviews really do give you the energy and will to write so the reviewers deserve to be thanked.

HeeroDuo4eva: I'm not quite sure yet, most likely it will frustrate him, but it's also going to do him some good. In fact, it already has a little, but you'll see more of that in the next chapter. This chapter answered your other question I suppose

Satanic-Purple-Onion: XD to each his own. What a wonderful way to suck up to 'Fei (that so rhymes :D!)

Lolly sister: thank you hugs

Foxy-comic-death: Hope to keep you interested 3 thank you!

Mithros: Heero already knows about the cutting, Duo told him he'd stopped though. There is more with that later, but that's all I'm saying now grins. Haha only Sally could force Wufei…he may deny but she's one strong woman. At least that's how I'll portray her in this fic if and when she's in it.

Ryoko3600: hugs am trying to update fast, your reviews help contribute to my energy. Hope you enjoy.

Ahanchan: I love what you wrote, yes Duo is feeling things and what's wonderful about him is he gets it and doesn't bury it or push it aside as much as say Heero. He does do it a little, like trying to forget Heero, but that's a normal human reaction when you feel the person isn't going to return your feelings and when you're a little scared of getting close to people. He's feeling things, but he's doing it on his own terms. I like that. Thanks for writing a review that made makes me feel proud every time I read it.

Wufeisgirl: Well part of it is probably because things are still unfolding and all, but I'm sorry it's confusing ! If there's any part in particular please tell me so I can fix it or at least try to explain it if there's no other way to write it. I just want to be able to see it and at least know how to deal with it. Glad you like the fic though 3!

Hakunezumi: Oh! Your review made me so happy when I got it. Long, wonderful reviews like yours make me happy. Yes I am excited about this fic, and to think I just had the first paragraph from the first chapter in my head and went from there. I never thought this fic would turn out this way or anything, and I never would have expected people to give me such positive feedback. It's really given me so much joy since I've started it. I also hope my muse stays with me put muse in cage. Basically to sum it up, thank you!


	14. chapter 14

Notes: I forgot to write in the last chapter that Maldorors "The Arrangement" is one of my favorite fics and while I would never take her ideas or plagiarize cringe I was influenced for 1x5 since that was really the fic that made me love that pairing. I immediately nodded my head to that fic and said 'that's exactly how I would write them, that's just so them, that's why they would be together.' I have, however, created my own ideas on them etc, but I was definitely influenced by that fic like any other great work. 3 bows to Maldoror

Edit: This note will also be posted in the next chapter but… people are obviously misinterpreting a lot of what I write in review responses and such. Wufei is NOT, I repeat, NOT going to get kicked to the curb or anything. You'll find out what happens. Trowa will not be dying. Not a death fic. There may be some Quatre angst, am not sure yet, but this is not a Quatre centric fic, any Quatre angst will relate to Duo. Heero and Wufei aren't just together for convenience but I'm not going to explain everything here. Think about the two characters, I suppose that might help if you're dying to figure out the plot. That's all I'm saying though.

Razors on his Bathroom floor 14

Misery loves company and I love you, Duo thinks to himself as he watches Heero fumble around with the vacuum in the living room. Or should it be 'I love you like I love misery'…no…'I love you like misery hates joy?' No, misery loves company and I love you definitely sounds better, he decides.

"Duo, what are you muttering about?" Heero asks and Duo realizes the vacuum has been turned off.

"Huh?"

"I saw your lips moving so I turned the vacuum off so I could hear you."

"Oh sorry. It was nothing, just talking to myself."

Heero looks perplexed "Well do it somewhere else, you're distracting me."

"Fine." Duo mutters and heads upstairs, glad that the loud noise of the vacuum drowns out his thoughts about what Heero can do with that vacuum cleaner.

What Duo had been thinking and apparently muttering about before was a part of his new…book. See, he's had that phrase in his head for days and days, and he told his therapist about it for some strange reason, not really thinking anything would come of it. He was sort of doing it to divert from any serious issues. But instead of dismissing it, Dr Drakeson had asked him questions about that, and like Trowa, he asked if Duo ever thought about writing these sorts of things down.

Now Duo's trying to write his version of a love story that's filled with bitterness and broken love. There's just so many ways to start it, and he wants it to be perfect. He wants it to grab readers right away if he's really thinking about publishing it, which he's still thinking that he probably won't. This is probably just like all the other things he's done in the past, it might last for a few days or even a few months, but he won't follow through. Duo wants to be determined, to change, but he's scared that if he is it'll jinx himself; that it'll just cause him to fail. So he's just going to live by the moment.

So, holding the funny little notebook that has a picture of a cartoon boy running his underwear with the caption 'sometimes I like to run around in my underroos', Duo heads up stairs and down the hall to Wufei's room. He knocks on the door and saunters in when Wufei mumbles an absent 'come in.'

Duo's found that he likes Wufei's room. He loves the bookshelves with their deep rich browns, that are overflowing with Chinese symbols that Duo will never understand; the swords that he knows are somehow organized inside their huge show case with glass doors; the ever changing, constantly rotating swords that lay in smaller show cases along the walls; the beautiful tapestries with symbols that match the books hanging gracefully over his bed. It's like a magnificent, exotic world. Duo feels inspired in here.

"Can I write in here?"

"Why?" Wufei says in the same absent voice, barely glancing up from the small notebook he's writing in.

"You write too?" Duo asks with interest.

"No, I simply…document times, dates, events."

"Oh...Actually that's not really too surprising."

Now Wufei actually looks up, trying to hide his curiosity. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean you're the organized type. What you said is pretty much a planner or diary type thing."

"What's wrong with being able to look back on a day and see what went on? Not like a…diary, but a documentation of sorts."

"Nothings wrong with that…" Duo mutters, "I was just sayin'…So can I stay in here?"

"Fine." Wufei waves his hand at him and goes back to his mad scribbling.

Duo wants to ask if Wufei wrote about the day Heero brought him back here, but he doesn't want to bother Wufei anymore. At least not until the crease in his forehead goes away.

Duo goes back to writing in his notebook, trying to draw on experiences and emotions that he's felt. After all, you write what you know, or at least what you can imagine. Duo's got plenty of imagination, that's for sure.

Duo somehow starts off sounding like he's bitching to the world about some angst that he's feeling. In other words, he hates it. So rather than save the work he's done for later, some of it being fairly good work at least in his eyes, he tears out the pages, rips them into tiny pieces, and throws them away.

Wufei sneaks a look at Duo, but doesn't say anything as he tears up the paper or as he walks out of the room with a dark look on his face.

His anxiety is acting up again. He feels restless, frustrated because he doesn't know what to write. His brain feels fried and his mind clogged like the drains in the bathroom that he has too clean out everyday because his hair is so damn long. Duo wants a way to relieve this frustration, writing was supposed to be a constructive one, but all he can think about now is sleeping. Sleeping or just plain lying down and doing nothing for hours. Duo thinks that things might be different if only he had someone to curl up with and tell his problems to. He hopes that he can do that with Quatre, at least the problems part. It's not the same though, Quatre's just a friend. Duo wants someone who will kiss him and try to make it better even though that doesn't usually work, it just might help things.

He would try talking to Heero, but he's scared of it being thrown in his face or misunderstood. He's just plain scared.

During the rest of the day Duo finds himself biting his nails, tugging his fingers, scratching his arms, and pulling his hair. He'll just be sitting there, staring off into space lost in his thoughts, and then suddenly he realizes that he's in pain. Well, that or Heero or Wufei comes in and ask him what he's doing or if he's ok.

Either way Duo's not sure of the answer.

He's not the only one anxious though. During the day he sees Wufei and Heero glance in each others directions with uneasy looks on their faces. Duo wants to know if it has to do with them, or if they're just nervous about having more people the in the house. That last reason doesn't make sense though since they've all stayed together many times. One thing though, is for sure, Heero and Wufei never make eye contact when they shoot those worried looks at each other. It's always when one isn't looking. Something's bothering both of them, it could be the same thing, but they aren't really sure if the other's feeling it.

How very very interesting, Duo thinks dully to himself as he tugs at his braid.

XxXxXx

The next day at about four o'clock, Quatre rings the door bell and grins broadly as Duo opens the door. Just Quatre.

"Where's Trow-boy?" Duo asks, trying not to let Quatre see that he's feeling so nervous, that really he has no idea what to say.

"He…couldn't make it." Quatre says, his smile faltering.

"Couldn't make it?" Duo echoes.

"He wanted to…he really did. Badly. It was just Une called last minute with a mission and he was the only one who she had the utmost confidence in."

Duo peers closely at Quatre. "Did you two have a fight?"

"No! No. Well maybe, a little one. Nothing too big though."

"Nothing one night of passion can't solve." Duo wriggles his eyebrows suggestively at Quatre, knowing full well that always sets the blonde off into a fit of laughter. And just like that Duo knows they're ok. That's all it takes with Quatre sometimes, and that's one of the best things about him.

"I know that he's the best undercover they've got, but that didn't stop me from lashing out at him. It should have, I know, but I couldn't help it."  
"Despite what everyone who's ever met you may think, you aren't perfect Quat. You're entitled to get upset every now and then, and I'm sure Trowa forgives you."

Quatre smiles at Duo and puts a hand on his shoulder. "So where're Heero and Wufei?"

Duo sighs, "Well we weren't expecting you for another hour really so Heero was convinced that he had time to go get some more food considering we pretty much we're down to moldy leftovers and some stale chips. 'Fei's somewhere upstairs, probably can't hear you since he's got his headphones on. Did you know he has headphones? Nice pair too. He always has them on, and when I tried to get him to let me listen he snapped at me."

"Well I should know; I got them for him."

"You did? Why?"

"Because he was complaining about…the noise level."

Duo cackles. "Quatre Rebaba Winner, you dirty little…" Duo trails off, going off into an even stronger laughing fit. "God, you even have a sense of humor."

Quatre smirks and goes to put his bags upstairs, Duo follows. As they pass Wufei's room, Duo gives a few pounds to the door and continues down the hall. Wufei comes out as they walk into Quatre's room.

"Quatre? I didn't know you were here, I apologize. Heero and I assumed you'd be getting here later." He looked around the room. "Where's Trowa?"

"Mission."

"Understandable with what's been going on lately."

"Oh you heard?" Quatre says mildly as he unpacks his bags.

"News. I try to watch it often."

"I've always hated the news. They're always making things out to sound worse then they really are."

Since this is obviously bothering him, Duo tries to change the conversation for Quatre's sake.

"'Fei why don't we go set the table before Heero gets back and let Quat have some time to himself. I know the first thing I want when I get off a flight of any kind is to be alone and relax."

Wufei grunts and follows Duo downstairs.

Duo places the napkins and folds them meticulously, "You're such an idiot."

"What did I do?" Wufei turns sharply to face Duo, holding four plates.

"Didn't you see you were upsetting him?" Duo takes four glasses out of the cupboard and pulls out some wine from its holding place directly beneath the cupboard.

"Winner seemed fine."

"He hides things well."

"He's strong; he and Barton both survived a war, why is this bothering him so much?"

Duo pours wine into one glass and gulps it down, trying quickly to think of a way to make this clear to Wufei. "Quatre doesn't like fighting, he never liked the war. Or at least he liked it the least of any of us. Now organizations that were small and ignored for years are starting to grow because people are fucking scared of peace. Now they're trying to start wars again, and Trowa's out there trying to stop it because as of now they don't have a whole lot of information, and Trowa's the best undercover they've got. You know, they're probably going to start sending you and Heero in after they get more information."

Duo gestures to his hands, and Wufei realizes that he's still holding the plates. He places them around the table, "I didn't know you were paying attention to what was going on in the world."

"Just because I wasn't living with you doesn't mean I didn't keep tabs."

Wufei looks startled.

"On what was going on."

"Oh."

"I didn't see much of you on TV since they started avoiding you after you punched that reporter."

"He had it coming to you."

"All he did was jokingly ask about your love life."

"I told him not to get personal."

As Duo lays out the silverware, Heero walks through the door, holding bags that Duo just knows contain Sushi because he's only told Heero to buy that for dinner every night for the past two weeks. He somehow knew that it would go better than 'I think pizza would be good tonight.' How anyone can resist pizza, Duo doesn't know, but Heero is not just anyone. Neither is Wufei for that matter, but the look on Heero's face when you mention it to him is much more distinguishable.

Things seem to go fairly well at dinner, Wufei and Heero both manage not to hurt Quatre, and Duo manages to get through the meal without going ballistic. A job well done for all.

TBC

Heheh, about Duo's notebook, I actually have a notebook like that and couldn't resist giving one like it to him. Future or not, I think it's cute 3 I had this image of Duo driving to a nearby store, pulling that from a store shelf, and laughing.

Don't expect me to go all missiony on you, I may mention what's going on in the world or something, but the story is not centered on that. I'm no good with mission writing I don't think. I might give myself some practice, but not here. I'm always impressed by writers who can do it well, but I'm the first to admit that it can lose my interest ;

Thanks to:

Slipknotrulez: Yees this is a 1x2 fic. It will happen, you'll see, but I don't want to rush it. I'm leading up to that.

Satanic-Purple-Onion: I went back and re-read what I wrote to you and realized I was way of with one word 0o, it's fixed now 3! You're pretty close about the whole Heero/Wufei thing, you'll find more about how that came to be later, I dunno how much later, sometime after Duo and Heero get together though. That's all I'm sayin though

Rei Magami: Thank you hun :Hugs: I'm so glad you came here to read this, it means a lot to me that you did. Same goes for your review on my other fic!

foxy-comic-death: It's always nice to read something that you can relate to, and I'd hoped someone could do that with Duo, especially with that part of the fic. I'm glad you liked that.

Ahanchan::Nod: that's just what people are like, we're such fickle creatures :sigh: Duo's no exception. I just try to make sure it's not like crazy levels of change. Just human. Gotta find that balance so he can stay in char. Or at least in char for the fic and relatively close to his char from the show. The best thing about fics is you can bend them and show people your take on them. Ack am getting off subject :blush: Thank you so much for your detailed review 3  
Akira Kinryu: XD Yes I always decide to update when it's hard for you to get on here MWHAHAHA. No I am not really that evil :P Oooh I love that 'hideously well' that will SoulSister:D I'm so happy you're reading this, it means a lot to me. Ug I understand completely, it's so hard to find the time to read fics thank you for making time to r/r mine 3

lolly sister: I hope it all comes together well, I'm trying hard to get that to work. Timing is very important with a story and I'm learning more and more about that as I write. I can't tell you how accomplished I feel as a writer when people tell me I'm doing well with characterization and plot building, thank you 3   
Kurai: Aw thank you! Hope you enjoyed this chapter.   
HeeroDuo4eva:D thank you! Sometimes it seems incredibly hard to talk to people let alone see them again after you left things bad the last time you saw them. Sometimes though, it's a lot easier then we think. I tried to portray that, hope it worked.

Hakunezumi: 3 I was happy to find another review waiting in my mailbox, thank you I love your rambles! Heheh you'll just have to see what happens with Duo and Heero  
Mithros: Yup, you're right. He isn't exactly judging them though, just trying to figure out what's going on since it seems strange to him. More on that in the next chapter actually :D. Thank you for the reviews on my other fics by the way 3 it was much appreciated.  
dk-joy: I'm glad you think that sounds right, I was worried it wouldn't, but I actually did my research, and it seemed to fit perfectly for what I'm doing with the fic.

ZaKai: Aw thank you! I'm really glad you like how he reacted. :D I love how reviews I get on here also give me something to think about with the fic. What you said about their relationship effecting a relationship that Duo builds with them is interesting…


	15. chapter 15

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 15

Duo feels stupid for all his previous anxieties. Having Quatre there is actually pretty fun. He hasn't had any time to be alone with Heero or Wufei, therefore avoiding thinking about one of them naked or getting into a fight with one of them. Quatre's even taking him to his next therapy session which should be good since he might need someone to talk to after going through another therapy session.

Wufei on the other hand, still seems to be on edge. Duo figures it's most likely because Quatre's watchful eyes always seem to be studying him or Heero. It doesn't matter who he's looking at though, they both look incredibly uncomfortable either way.

Duo digs his hand into the large bowl of popcorn and takes a handful out. "So how long are you staying?"

Quatre shrugs, "I took off work for almost three weeks."

Duo blinks. "That's a long time, don't they need you there for somethin'?"

"Nah, they mostly need me for image."

"You work!" Duo protests.

"Yeah I work, but it's not like they can't handle anything without me."

"Well your pretty boy image is great, but I'm sure they need you for more than that."

Quatre cringes. "Yeah well, believe me they'll be fine."

Duo just says, "Ok then, if you say so."

They watch this new movie that came out, some remake of an old movie about destiny and love. 'Serendipity' or something. It's weird because it reminds Duo of the conversation he had with Wufei the other night. Only thing is, he has to shut it off because it bugs the shit out of him when the girl and the guy get in two different elevators and the girl says that if they pick the same floor they'll get together there. Of course she leaves two seconds before the guy gets up there because lots of people and things get in the way for him. Maybe it just hits too close to home, wanting someone so bad and being that close to getting them, but missing them by a split second. He stuck by Heero's side for so long and as soon as he leaves he changes.

"What's the matter?" Quatre asks him, looking concerned.

"Just thinking."

"'Bout Heero?" Quatre teases, but Duo doesn't catch that.

"Fuck Quat!"

"Really? You were? I was just kidding…"

Duo wants to close his eyes because his cheeks are starting to warm, he doesn't though, for then it would be a dead _dead_ give away to how stupid he feels.

Quatre pretends he doesn't notice though, "There's something I need to ask you."

"Shoot."

"It's about Heero and Wufei."

"…Shoot."

"Did you mean that like go for it or _shoot?_"

"Go for it." Duo says, but he's not really sure.

"Have you noticed anything…strange about them? I don't mean to pry, but I want to know. I just don't understand it." Quatre says, frustration evident in his voice.

"Noticed something like noticed they fuck or noticed that they don't exactly act like you and Trowa when and after they do?"

"Yeah something like that. Glad to know we're on the same page here, I didn't want to spell it out to you if you didn't already know."

"Thanks I guess."

"Sorry." Quatre apologizes sheepishly.

"You do know that they both know you're watching them."

"Well they should, after all I usually do watch them when I'm here. I don't try to hide it."

"I don't understand them at all. They don't act like a couple or anything, but then there was this one night…" He trails off, as if by not saying it, he won't have to deal with it.

Quatre sighs. "At first I sort of assumed they were…together, but when I cornered Wufei about it once, he got upset and defensive. He was really adamant about it. I never talked to Heero about it though, but nothing suggests otherwise. I thought maybe with you living here with them now you'd pick up on what was going on."

Duo looks skeptical. "You and Trowa were with them a lot longer than me, well then I've been with them."

"Not really, actually." Quatre says, looking slightly surprised. "We came by off and on, but the place is really theirs. We just come by to visit. Work keeps us both away a lot, so it's not like it's even our house at all. It's more like a vacation house since we have our bedroom and all."

"Well then why are they living together?" Duo blurts out. "I thought you guys were like the glue. Like you all stuck together."

"In some ways we do. But you know Duo, no one likes to be alone, and those two get along pretty well in their own way. They both like their independence and privacy, and they share a mutual respect. It's more like their friends…"

"With benefits." Duo finishes dryly.

"I guess if you want to put it like that." Quatre offers a weak smile.

Duo turns away from Quatre and puts on some show that features a guy who talk to frogs in his dream sequences and a girlfriend who walks into walls a lot. Sitcoms have been pretty shitty lately, but still it's better than keeping his mind on the relationship of Wufei and Heero.

Duo wonders if he annoys them terribly. He's tried his best to sort of be quiet around the house, to tell the truth that was one of the reasons for learning all the creaks in the floor. Since he tends to wander around a lot, and pace, it seemed like the right thing to do in order to preserve some of their quiet. He really doesn't want to shake up their lives. That's the last thing he wants to do. The only thought that really makes him feel better, to feel justified, is that they're the ones who sought him out. He didn't seek them out; he didn't come crawling to them asking for a room or 'spare change.' He was at least trying to deal. He wasn't even doing that bad really, he hadn't OD and he hadn't collapsed, drunk outside his house or gotten raped on the street by hobo's. He hadn't cut himself since god knows when because he realized that the only people that were cutting—openly at least—were the girls and boys that dressed in black and smoked cigarettes and bitched to each other about their lives. They did it to express themselves and feel unique. At least that's what he thinks, he can't really know since he never knew those kids. He knew they were lost, and maybe just the fact that they were lost made them like him.

Duo just knew he did it because he had no one he could scream to and he didn't want to cry because his tears weren't justified. In fact, he didn't even know why he wanted to scream so much. He'd lived through a fucking war; he came through it in one piece and still had his whole life ahead of him. It was just this repressed anger inside of him, losing things he held so dear and feeling like every time he did something he fell flat on his face. No one needed him like they did then. He didn't—and still doesn't—want to whine, but everyone needs to get it out now and then or it just builds up inside you and rots your insides out.

Once, he tried to convince himself that he was doing it to repent for all that he'd killed. That he was tormenting himself, his blood for their lives. Then he realized how self centered, how stupid that was. Those dead people didn't give a fuck about him repenting with his blood like that. They would probably laugh if they gave a shit. That is if they could even see him. For all he knows they're in oblivion or being reborn into their new lives.

So what went wrong then? Well if asked Duo would probably say the same thing that he told Dr. Drakeson in his first session and that he told Trowa one night when they were high from some drugs that Duo had bought from a guy he saw on the streets that looked like he could use the money. It was like he just gave the fuck up. Like the more he thought about stuff the more pointless and dull it seemed. He'd failed his business and couldn't think of anything else he wanted to do, he didn't exactly feel he had anyone to live for, the only thing that really seemed mildly interesting was death, but that seemed like too much of a gamble. That may seem like pretty stupid stuff, but that's basically it. Sure there were little things that he can't even begin to describe, but those weren't the major things. He felt like everything he did, he just fell flat on his face and was dead sick of trying to pick himself up.

"Do you know how they got together?"

"I really have no idea, it kinda just happened; at least that's how I see it. Why don't you ask them?"  
Duo almost laughs out loud, ask them? Ask Wufei or Heero or, god forbid, both? Yeah, that's like walking up to a rattle snake and poking it with a stick and then offering your right arm out for it to eat. That's just plain stupid. Duo tells Quatre this.

"I guess that's a no then."

"Definitely a no."

Quatre thinks for a minute. "I don't think spying on them would work, or has been working."

"Not even Trowa could go undercover enough to solve this case."

"True, True."

"Fuck, this is frustrating."

"I would know, I've been trying to figure it out for like a year or two now."

Duo throws himself back on the bed and covers his face with his hands, "I just figured out what this reminds me of." Duo looks at Quatre through his fingers.

"What?"

"Once I was eating lunch at this diner and there were these teenage girls behind me and their conversation sounds a lot like ours."

Quatre bursts out laughing and ends up on his side shaking with laughter while Duo just laughs helplessly into his hands, seeing darkness and a little bit of light where it sneaks in between his fingers.

TBC

Hope you liked the Duo/Quatre interaction, not much "happened" but you did find out a little more about Heero and Wufei and if you read carefully enough you'll see that things are starting to come together a bit. Heheh, expect some er…romance…soon. 3

There is a movie called Serendipity and I was watching it and I was thinking about the fic when I turned it on and there you have it. I figured though since it's the future it would be a re-make and the sitcom thing was just in for kicks. And the therapy thing in the first paragraph was no typo, just my sarcastic humor ;

DancingMistress:Thank you 33

Foxy-comic-death: Yes write stories! Glad you liked 33 Thank you.

Hakunezumi:I always enjoy your reviews since they're very detailed. Not that I don't love the others, but yours are some of the ones that are very interesting to read 33 Haha I liked the vacuum scene too :hugs: so I'm all happy that you liked it. Romance isn't good to rush because I feel it ruins it. :Sigh: Wufei and Heero really ought to let Duo have his pizza, but they find it distasteful. One day I will force them to eat it in the fic :is now determined to put that in.:

Ryoko3600: Thank you!

Ahanchan: Thank you so much. I try to keep him consistent. :D Yup Quatre's back.

Reki: Why does it do that? Stop cutting off Reki's reviews :shakes fist at Trowa will be in it eventually, fear not!

lolly sister: No am not really slowing down the romantic developments, just was saying I didn't want to just rush it and make it seem random and bad. I want it to work well and lead up to it. Not that that means it's going to take another billion chapters. It's soon, I promise. And that's not quite what's going on with their relationship, they _do_ care about each other. Just remember what two characters we're talking about here though. Maldoros story really has nothing to do with this, she was just the one who made me want to write with that pairing and all. It's an entirely different fic (and a million times better 33)

Mithros: heheheh not quite gonna happen like that. :D I'm glad you liked the notebook!  
sarahsminty: 0o the relationship didn't end yet. Wufei isn't going to get kicked to the curb with just friendships :gags: I wish you wouldn't jump to conclusions before I finish. Thank you though.

Satanic-Purple-Onion: You will get your angsty action soon enough MWHAHAH Oh I will have fun You get your sushi, you deserve it!

ZaKai: No ; he didn't do that. That's a great idea though, thinking outside of the box you are. Yeah, I didn't really think it was realistic that Quatre would hold a grudge for Duo because he wants to fix things with him and they're friends. This isn't a death fic, that said, I don't want to spoil anything 0o.

HeeroDuo4eva :D hope you enjoyed the Q/D interaction. Thank you 3


	16. chapter 16

Note: No I did not suddenly switch tenses. This is a 'looking back on the day' present tense style I'm trying for the chapter. It worked better than the other way I'd started it. It's only that way until the end of the chapter when it 'catches up' to present time. It'll make sense once you read it, I hope. If not, well then I can always edit it.

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 16

Duo figures what happened, happened because of therapy. Just another reason why therapy was evil and not something Duo wanted to ever go to again.

It had started out a good enough day, Duo was finally "allowed" to drive the car and get used to going to nearby places. Wufei and Heero both had insisted on driving him around before, and when he had asked to drive, horrified looks would cross their faces like they didn't trust him one bit. Jesus, it was like they forgot he'd piloted a fucking Gundam. Duo figures that maybe they just like to be in control, he suggested this to his therapist that day because it seemed a good topic to delve into rather then answer the question about Duo's previous relationships and such.

Dr. Drakeson had said something to the extent of "well maybe it's more that they're concerned about your well being." which to Duo meant 'maybe they think you can't do anything on your own and need to be babysat. Or they think you're going to crash their car. Maybe both.'

The whole control conversation, well that got him thinking about what he'd witnessed between them that night. They'd been trying to dominate, control, each other hadn't they? Were they trying to control him now, since he seemed to be easier to control then one of them?

He didn't want to think about this again, he didn't want to arouse the jealous feelings that had been lurking inside of him, ready to rise to the surface of his being at any given moment. Jealousy wasn't a desirable emotion

He left therapy in a foul mood, upset and frustrated with his inability to analyze and understand himself let alone everyone around him. He scowled as he walked to the car, as he drove the car, and as he walked inside the house. Quatre, who had been gone with him for moral support—to make sure he actually went—had refrained from saying anything to him despite his strong desire to do so. He went upstairs to his room, curled up on his bed, loving the soft sheets against his skin, and closed his eyes.

XxXx

Duo thinks that if Heero hadn't woken him up right then, what happened probably never would have happened.

Duo opened his eyes at the first sound of the door opening. He kept very still though, so it wouldn't seem as though he were jumpy.

"Duo?" Heero said softly.

"Heero?" Duo imitated.

Finding Duo was awake, Heero's voice returned to its regular volume. "Quatre and Wufei went out to pick something up."

"Jesus, why the hell don't we have any food around here? I'm officially taking it upon myself to get some food into this house."

"Do you know where the market is?"

"Do I know where—Yes! I know where it is."

"I could always go with you if you don't remember, it's not a problem."

"No, look, Heero, it's fine. Really, I know where the place is."

"I still wouldn't mind going with you."

"Heero, you need to stop trying to follow me around everywhere." Duo told him slowly, trying not to offend Heero and trying not to look at him because he looked so damn good right then. His hair was still wet from the shower he'd apparently taken while Duo was sleeping, and it was messy as usual, clinging to his forehead and falling in front of his eyes. He looked like a fucking model even with his baggy shirt and plain jeans. Probably even better than one because he wasn't even trying.

"I know you can take care of yourself, Duo. I just..."

"Just what?" Duo asked, and this odd little excitement ran through his body, he was hopeful.

Heero shook his head. "Never mind."

Duo sighed, feeling inexplicably disappointed. "Yeah, ok. I'll probably go on my own, but it's nice to know the offer stands." He gave a halfhearted smile. "You're a freak, Yuy, you know that?"

"Sure, I guess." Heero gave Duo a strange look. "Are you ok?"

"Perfectly fine." Duo smiled, more relaxed then before.

And it wasn't until after he left the room that Duo realized his nails had been digging into the palm of his hands.

That's why Duo figures that if Heero hadn't woken him up then and they hadn't had that discussion he wouldn't be sitting on his bed right now, contemplating pain and why it seems to give him relief.

If pain makes you feel good then is it really pain? Duo wonders, reminding himself of the old question 'if a tree falls in a forest and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?' Really, what are the boundaries of pain and pleasure. It's obviously psychological.

Duo closes his eyes.

This is just a test, he tells himself. Just a test. He holds the razor that he took from the bathroom before he came to his room. He touches it against his skin and he wishes it were cold like ice so that maybe it could numb him. He presses it deeper, thinking, this is just as test, as he does it.

Duo feels the trickle of blood down the side of his leg where the blade had been touching, and it's almost like he's lost in his mind because his eyes are closed and all he can see is darkness.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing?"

Duo's head jerks up, and his eyes fly open. He doesn't even have time to think about the fact that he's never really heard Heero curse like that, or talk in that tone of voice. It's a mixture of disgust, wonder, and anger. "When did you get in here?" he blurts out because that's the first thing that comes to his mind.

"I came to give you this," He holds up a piece of paper, and Duo has no idea what's on it. It looks like directions or something from the looks of it. "you didn't answer when I knocked on the door so I wasn't sure if you were in here."

Duo's face burns like Heero just walked in on him touching himself or performing some other intimate practice. "Don't have to fucking invade my privacy." His hand goes to cover the cut involuntarily. He feels like an idiot, and he's mad at Heero for making him feel like one. The moment is gone, tainted, and the afterglow of it is fading quickly.

"Why are you doing this to yourself? How can you mutilate yourself like that, Duo?" Heero asks, staring at Duo with disbelief, "I don't want you to do that anymore."

"Oh shut up Heero, what could you know about it." Duo replies bitterly.

"Don't know about it? I know it's incredibly disturbing and it isn't healthy. I know that's not something you should be doing. What else is there to know?"

"Look I know you want to be helpful and all, but in all honesty, you can't really make any judgments—which by the way you agreed not to do before I came here—because you aren't me, you don't know what's going on in my mind. I wasn't doing it because..." He trails off, not knowing how to explain it.

"I'm someone who cares about you, Duo. You don't know what it's like for me to see you this way. As someone who cares it's my job to help you."

"Your job? It wasn't your job for the past 19 years of my life, so why should it start now?"

"I haven't known you for 19 years."

If it was anyone else but Heero, Duo would think they were being sardonic, but Duo knows that Heero is merely pointing out those facts to him; showing him that is completely illogical.

"You know what I mean!"

Heero snorts, "Believe me, I rarely ever know what you mean. I wish I did, but I don't."

"Believe me, you really don't want to know me." Duo sneers at Heero, thinking of something entirely different than what they're discussing.

"I can't stand when you get like this!" Heero says angrily, and Duo wishes that Heero would yell at him. He never yells. Why can't he just lose control for once?

"You can't stand when I get like this?" Duo replies with disgust. "You're talking as though you've been with me for years and I do this all the time."

"You and Wufei both do this to me, you throw every damn thing I say in my face!" Heero glares at him. "It's been long enough that I can hate when you get into this kind of mood. "

"It hasn't been long at all, Heero, not in the long run."

"You're saying that like it's my fault or something."

"It _is _your fault!" Duo shouts at him.

"What are you talking about, Duo? I fucking tried! You're the one who shut me out."

"Shut you out?" Duo repeats incredulously, "Shut _YOU OUT?_ Heero, I couldn't shut you out when you were never fucking in to begin with."

"What the hell does that mean?" Heero snarls back at him, still not yelling, still making Duo angrier and angrier.

"You're a blind idiot, Heero Yuy." Duo snaps, "I tried to let you in over and over but every time you threw it in my fucking face. I was just returning the favor."

Heero's eyes widen slightly, "What do you mean 'let me in'?"  
"Fucking hell Yuy! Do I have to freaking spell it out for you? I god damned loved you!"

Duo has the urge to slam his hands over his mouth, but even if he gave into that urge he couldn't because Heero's hands were around his face and his lips against his, kissing him for all he was worth.

This must be what it's like to feel, Duo thinks without really _thinking_, this must be what it's like to get what you've been waiting for all this time. This is what it's like to feel. This is pleasure without pain. If this is a mindset, he thinks, then this is a very very good mind set.

Duo figures that if this happened because of therapy, then maybe therapy really isn't so evil or bad.

And Duo's pleased that finally, Heero has lost control.

TBC

And there you have it folks, the romance you've been waiting so patiently for. Hehehe but there's more than that coming **:evil laughter: **What about Wufei you ask? Well that's coming up soon :so excited: I have one scene written that I'm extremely happy with, so I'm going to try to work that in very soon. It's all coming together

Thanks to everyone for reviewing. You guys make my day and give me the energy I need to write this. I started replying individually to everyone, but I feel like I'm just saying the same things over and over again and it's not really capturing the gratitude and happiness I feel when I read your reviews. I'll probably respond to certain ones or something from now on... But all of them make my world go round :beams and hugs all reviewers:

Sminty: I'm really glad you're going to give this another try. And you're 100 right, you did have every right to think that. It's so hard responding here to things without giving away the ending, plot, etc. Thank you for your kind words

teaspoon:grin: Here's the romance! As soon as I read your review I was like 'well her patience just payed off!' Hope you enjoyed.

Soulsister: Yay for relating! I always hope to give my stories a real sort of feel, so that makes me very happy.

WhiteWolfSearching : It's so hard to keep up on the ML since I'm usually on my other screen name and for some reason never feel like switching back and fourth. I figured if anyone was reading the fic they would just continue to check on here. So glad you're enjoying it

Satanic-Purple-Onion: Have fun:giggle: hope you read this when you get back, I couldn't hold out another week


	17. chapter 17

Archiving: If anyone wants to archive this fic, just ask me and I'll most likely say yes. I just want to know so I can be extremely happy and flattered and check out the site.

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 17

You're sosososososososososososo beautiful. Duo wants to whisper to Heero over and over and over again. He's hot against his lips and his hands are completely lost and tangled in Heero's hair, pulling them as close together as humanly possible.

"I've _needed_ you." Duo says, pulling away from him enough so he can speak. Heero doesn't say it, but Duo knows he's feeling it too. It's like a wall has fallen down and now he can see things that weren't clear before.

"I've tried." Heero says, "I didn't think you wanted me like this, I tried not to feel anything for you because I didn't know"

"It's fine, Heero." Duo tells him, because right now anything and everything Heero tells him is fine.

"Wufei told me that I shouldn't push anything with you because you might pull back even more and you might leave, but I"

Duo cuts him off again, "Wait, Wufei?"

If Duo's not mistaken, Heero is fending off a rather fierce blush right about now. "Before you came we," He looks anywhere but at Duo's face, "we discussed it a little."

"You discussed it?" Duo's having trouble picturing the two discussing anything.

"Neither of us really wanted to, but we felt it was important. I felt it was important."

"Oh, and?"

"And?"  
"And how did Wufei feel about this."

"He still loves you too you know."

Duo blinks. "How do you figure that?"

Heero stares at him. "He told me."

"He _told_ you?"

"He admitted it after I told him how I felt. We both agreed that neither should do anything to make you uncomfortable or scare you off."

Duo doesn't reply for a moment. He takes all this is and wonders what the fuck this all means. Wufei and Heero are together...sort of. Wufei and Heero both like...er...love him. He loves Heero, but when he thinks about Wufei alone, he feels incredibly sad, and when he thinks about Wufei with someone else he feels incredibly jealous. When he thinks about Wufei and Heero together he feels incredibly hot. The only logical thing he can think of is. "Well why don't we talk to him."

Heero blinks, and Duo's surprised at how pleased he looks. "You mean that?"

"No, I'm just fucking with you." Duo rolls his eyes. "Yes, I mean it. You really think it could work? Would he, you know, go for it?"

"I think so. I—he loves you Duo. He really does. Could you...could you be the one to talk to him?"

"Sure, Heero, sure." Duo says, having no idea whatsoever as to what he's going to say to Wufei. He figures he'll wing it though, and hope for the best. "So, can I ask you a question?"

"I guess so."

Old Yuy enthusiasm. "What's the deal with you two?"

The blush again. "We have sex."

"That much I've gathered. Is it casual sex, like fuck buddy sex...?"  
"No!" Heero meets Duo's eyes, looking startled. "It's not like that at all. We just," He looks at a loss, "after the war we were living together and things happened. We both, that is, neither of us wanted a real relationship. We didn't know how to deal with that sort of thing, and no one else could really relate to us. Since we understood each other and where we stood, it seemed logical. We had..."

"You guys had needs." Duo finished for him, seeing that Heero was becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

Heero nodded, and it all made perfect sense to Duo. He couldn't picture a newly peaceful, warless Heero and Wufei getting involved with people. He could see them burying themselves in work, but he could also see that two young boys were hitting their sexual peaks and needed some release. Since both of them wanted the same thing, it would make sense. It would be easier then getting involved with someone who would probably end up wanting more then they could give. For once, Duo feels like he absolutely gets something. It's crystal clear.

"I think I felt for you then Duo, but you have to understand, I didn't know what it was I was feeling. It might have been love, but I couldn't handle it at that point."

"Now you can?"

Heero nods again, and presses his hand against Duo's, almost shyly. And Duo thinks that now he's finally ready too. Finally something seems _right_ when everything was so god damned _wrong_.

"Hey," He whispers. "We can make this all work. I'll talk to Wufei tomorrow. You think you can get Quatre out of the house with you or something?"

Heero grins. "Mission accepted."

Duo kisses him, loving how it feels to just be able to do that and not have to hide anything. Buried emotions now seem so painful, and he's rather impressed by himself for harboring them for so long. It's like he dropped some emotional weight.

They head downstairs as they hear the door open, and a shout of greeting from Quatre.

XxXx

Duo's pretty impressed by how well Heero has taken to his 'mission.' This morning he told Quatre that he was thinking about starting a garden in the backyard to grow some vegetables since he wanted to do more cooking and wanted to grow his own ingredients. The guy was fucking genius, Quatre took right to it.

That now leaves Duo twisting his fingers around each other, trying to figure out just how the hell he's going to wing this thing with Wufei. He has the same feeling, same adrenaline rush, that he got right before a battle. That same sensation he'd get right before he'd plunge into a battle, not knowing whether or not he would make it out alive, but knowing it would make in impact no matter what he did.

He knows that this is going to alter something, if not his life. It's insanely scary, but also insanely exciting. Duo's too scared to let himself picture what could happen if Wufei goes for it.

He closes his eyes, clenches and unclenches his fists, and then gets up to head downstairs to talk to Wufei. He knows he's in the kitchen because he can smell the coffee. He still hasn't developed a taste for it yet, but he's thinking about trying to. Quatre told him getting coffee flavored icee's and drinks helps get used to it. That and drinking the stuff with lots of milk and sugar.

"'Fei?"

Wufei looks up from his coffee and nods at Duo, "Morning."

"Morning."

Duo sits down awkwardly at the table. Technically he's next to Wufei, only since he's at the end of the table, it seems more like he's facing him. He wonders if he looks as nervous as he feels.

"Um, Wufei?"

"No nickname?"

"Huh? Oh, no."

"Do you need something?"

"I—yeah. I need to talk to you." Duo takes a deep breath. "Wufei, I'm sorry about what happened during the war with me and you."

Wufei visably stiffens. "I don't want to talk about this Maxwell. It's over and done, it's all in the past."

"Wufei..."

"I don't want to talk about this."

Duo sighs. "Is it because you're with Heero?"

"I'm not with Heero."

"I know that you guys aren't in a relationship per say, but I do know that you guys care about each other." Wufei doesn't say anything so Duo continues. "Heero and me...we talked last night, we want the three of us to try to work on things together."

"Work on what exactly, Maxwell?"

"Well for one thing you could start calling me Duo." Duo says, and then on impulse he gets up and moves in front of Wufei. Duo tilts Wufei's chin up and stares into slightly surprised eyes; he pulls Wufei towards him and fits their lips together softly, perfectly, because this is his way of telling him he's sorry that before he couldn't love, and that now he thinks he might be ready to really let someone else in. Two someones.

He feels Wufei's lips moving against his and it's beautiful for a moment, until Wufei pushes him away, looking confused and angry. "Why are you doing this, Maxwell? Why are you doing this to me? This is not what I need right now."

"I thought you said you weren't with Heero." He says flatly. He'd meant it as a dry, lame attempt at humor, but it only sounds sad, and dull.

Wufei shakes his head, but doesn't answer, doesn't know what to say. He gets up and leaves, and Duo's left to dwell in his own feelings of confusion and emptiness. He thinks he can love Wufei, he thinks he can love him as much as Heero. There's no doubt that he's handsome, and even though it's the very thing that makes Duo want to kill him, Duo likes the way Wufei thinks and speaks and _is_. Duo thinks that it could work: the three of them. It's strange but it could work. Wufei just has to let it.

He tries to explain this to Wufei later that night, but he just sort of nods, and Duo can't tell what he's feeling or thinking, and it frustrates him. He just hopes that Wufei comes around later on, once he has time to think.

Then it's like a sudden punch to the gut and face when Duo finds a note on the kitchen table the next morning that simply says 'be happy together.' It hurts so much because Duo feels he should be the one to leave, and now he can't because now Heero needs him. Heero who he's needed all this time finally needs him back, so he can't leave him now. He wants to be happy, god he does, but how can he be happy when Wufei is obviously in pain? Duo knows he has to let go of that hope…that little hope that comes from reading to many romance novels and watching to many romantic movies. Wufei isn't going to drive around for hours thinking it over, only to realize it could work, that he isn't the third wheel. That's not going to happen, and if Duo wants to be a writer he's going to have to be a little more original and realistic than that.

What makes Duo the most sad though, is that he really thinks he could have loved him.

TBC

You'll soon find out how Duo and Heero deal with this and how Quatre reacts. Hoorah. Trowa won't be in it for awhile, I'm just telling you now, and I don't know how big of a part he'll play later. I'm fairly sure he will be in it again though. Basically I just know the outline of the fic, and I flesh everything out as I go along. The ending is already circulating in my head, but who knows what plot bunnies with molest me on the way. Hope you all are enjoying this, thank you so much for sticking with this fic. I try to update regularly, at least every weekend. Since I'm so excited about the fic at the moment since I found out Daica Rec-ed it on her site scroll down a little to Feb 14th) I got even more motivated to write the fic.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you guys give me the incentive to write.

WhiteWolfSearching:Grins: Aw c'mon a little suspense never hurt anyone Very pleased to hear you were on the edge of your seat. Thanks for the review, hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Mithros: Well here's part of what happens with Wufei ): Hope the angst hasn't eaten you alive and that you liked it. :hugs:

Satanic-purple-onion: You're back glad you caught this chapter :hug: and glad I could make you happy!

Lolly sister: Thank you! Am very relieved to hear that it worked. It seemed perfectly fine to use the tenses that way, I thought it made sense, but I wasn't 100 sure.

Thank you to everyone who said they love/enjoy/like my fic. It means the world to me people 33 No amount of caps lock or text size could convey that on the com!

Lizzardsrock: Thank you so much, that was really nice to hear. I appreciate that. I'm proud to have the same sort of mind as someone who seems so nice :hug: Glad you're liking the fic so far!


	18. chapter 18

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 18

One thing Quatre Rababa Winner has never been mistaken for, is stupid. Despite his blonde hair, blue eyes, and generally innocent demeanor, within seconds of being in his presence people know that Quatre is anything but stupid. So what he can't understand right now is why the hell Duo is acting like he hasn't noticed that anything is going on. He knows it's got something to do with Wufei because Wufei's not here and when Quatre mentioned his name Duo stiffened and closed up.

He noticed the way that last night Wufei retreated to his room for the most part and seemed lost in his own world when he did emerge. Duo had been trying to get his attention all night but to no avail.

Heero isn't acting and better either. He keeps stealing looks at Duo when he thinks Quatre doesn't see, and he can tell he wants desperately to talk to Duo. Quatre watches them for a little bit longer before heading up to his room to pack.

"Quat?"

"I'm heading back home, you guys obviously need to work something out, and you need to do it without my help, and without me being here."

Duo follows him upstairs. "Quatre, Wufei left."

Quatre sighs. "What happened?"

"I tried to talk to him." Duo fidgets under Quatre's gaze. "Heero wanted me to because last night while you guys were out we..."

"You two admitted your feelings?"

"Yeah something like that." Duo says, leaving out all the shit that lead up to it.

"And you were trying to break the news to him?" Quatre says, his expression doesn't change, but Duo can hear the edge to his words.

"No, Quat it wasn't anything like that! I wanted, we wanted, him to try to work things out with us. Heero and I, we wanted things to work between the three of us."

Quatre blinks, realization dawning on him. "Duo...I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, what can you do right? It's his decision, whatever it is he decides to do. Maybe he just needs some time to think, right?" He looks up at Quatre for reassurance.

Quatre nods quickly, "Of course."

Duo seems satisfied, and he helps Quatre finish packing.

XxXx

Duo and Heero don't go to see Quatre, he tells them not to bother. Rather, he gives a hug to Duo, and whispers reassurance to him in his ear, and he gives a light hug to Heero who actually returns the embrace.

The house feels empty and silent without Quatre in it. It's strange, just having the two of them there. It's a little scary because now Duo knows they're going to have to deal with a few things. Anticipation runs through his entire body it seems. He and Heero are left alone to discuss their problems, but they're also alone to kiss and touch and do god knows what. All of which scare Duo immensely.

Heero rests a hand atop Duo's shoulder, and he turns to face him. He tries to give Heero a reassuring smile like Quatre would, but since he isn't feeling very reassuring at the moment, it comes out sort of weak with a hint of fear. "You know Wufei better then me," Duo says, "You think he's going to come back?"  
Heero's had the same expression on his face since woke up to find Duo sitting by himself on the couch, staring blankly at the TV screen, with the note in his hand. "I don't know. I still don't quite understand how his mind works; he's complicated. I can see it going both ways in his mind."

"I wish I hadn't said a god damn thing to him!" Duo blurts out. "Or I should have said something different. I scared him away now, it could have worked."

Heero shakes his head. "Anything you said would have probably caused him to have the same reaction. The alternative of not saying anything at all is ridiculous, it would have been even worse if you hadn't addressed the issue and if he had thought we were avoiding him."

"So, what does this mean? Are we in this together now, Heero? I don't know how to act or anything around you now. It's fucked up, now you know and all and I can kiss you or whatever, but I'm scared shitless."

Heero looks so relieved that it's not even funny, and normally it probably would have been to Duo. "I don't know what to do either. I've never really dealt with this sort of thing before. I really want to," he gestures at Duo, and Duo thinks he gets it.

"You want to hug me?"

Heero nods, and Duo wraps his arms around him, never wanting to let go.

XxXx

Weeks pass, and things are strange for Duo. He has these feelings out of no where of wanting to bolt, but he doesn't want to give this up, and he knows Heero needs him now. Heero hasn't closed himself off from Duo, but he can tell he's hurting badly. Maybe he can tell this _because_ Heero hasn't closed himself off.

They both try to learn the rules of this new relationship. They go through times when all they want to do is kiss and hold each other until their lips are swollen and their arms ache. Other times they simply want to sit side by side, shoulders touching, skin brushing, and just be near each other.

They haven't had sex yet, just because it seems like they're saving it, or just scared to take that plunge. They've started sleeping together though, once Duo even ended up in Heero's arms and he hates to admit it, but he's never slept that good before.

Duo wonders what Wufei is doing right now. He knows they could track him down because he probably hasn't stopped working with the Preventers, but he doesn't want to force him into anything. He's scared of scaring him off even more; he wants Wufei to come back on his own if he does.

When Duo asked Heero why he hadn't been on any missions lately or anything, he was surprised to find out that he'd quit right around the time Duo came.

"It didn't have anything to do with you. I just didn't get as much out of it as Wufei did. Dr. J left some money to me when he died, so it hasn't been much of an issue. I really don't know what I want to do right now. I might end up working there again, who knows. I'm just tired of missions right now. I just want to live for once."

And Duo could completely relate.

XxXx

Tonight Heero's sitting on the bed, with his knees bent up to his chest. He looks his age for once because his eyes don't look quite as shadowed and dark. They look more like a boy who's gotten his heart broken.

Duo wraps his arms around Heero's legs and rests his head against his knees. He listens hard to hear if Heero's crying. He heas nothing, but the silence is heaven and laden with emotions that can not be expressed through any words that cross Duo's mind. Duo feels it and he knows Heero does too. He holds on tighter as though by doing so he can heal Heero's pain as well as his own. He's trying to send Heero his strength through his legs and up to his heart. He's sending him a message that he's there and won't leave anytime soon even though he's terrified out of his mind.

"I wish he hadn't left." Heero says softly.

"I know." Duo holds tighter.

"I didn't love him, things weren't perfect but..."

"But there was something."

Heero nods, closing his eyes as though he's phisically in pain. "I could have loved him."

"I know." Duo says again, because he can feel it too.

"How is it you always know how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. You understand me, Duo."

Duo's heart practically explodes when Heero says this because he usually feels like he doesn't get Heero at all. "Maybe it's because I try really hard to see inside you."

"You always have."

Warmth is spreading throughout Duo's body, and he doesn't want to stop it anytime soon.

They stay like that for awhile, facing their pain together and alone. Clinging to each other in their own ways.

Duo thinks that in some ways they haven't changed at all. They're all still lost somehow.

At least though, he an Heero are trying to find themselves together. Wufei is doing it alone. If Duo could have held on tighter he would have.

TBC

Sorry if it seemed a little on the short side. I wanted it to end there and I didn't want the chapter to drag out. Things have been pretty crazy lately so I 'm not as far with the next chapter as I could be. Ah well though, once I get going it usually doesn't take me too long to write it.

Thank you everyone for reviewing! You guys are wonderful and make my literary world go round :D


	19. chapter 19

Razors on his Bathroom Floor: Chapter 19

Duo lies in bed, curled up next to Heero, watching the rise and fall of his chest. Watching him sleep. This is the third time they've had sex, but he still can't stop thinking about that first time. That's not so weird though, because the first time was only the last night.

It was strange.

It wasn't strange in a bad way, and the sex itself wasn't strange. It was more the way they ended up having sex. Duo and Heero had been tiptoeing around it since they'd gotten together. Both wanted to do it, but neither could figure out how to just make it happen without it seeming awkward, and both were worried that it was too soon.

Duo's pretty sure it was the way that the light touched Heero's skin just right, and the way that his lips looked so pretty parted, while he was sleeping on the couch. Before he knew it he was leaning over Heero kissing his lips, and rousing the boy from sleep.

"Hey," Heero whispered, eyes bleary from sleep, making him seem young and sweet in a completely uncharacteristic way.

"Hey," Duo whispered back, entranced. He leaned forward again to kiss Heero and found himself being pulled on top of him.

He licked Heero's lips and kissed them until both their sets of lips were wet and starting to hurt. Normally Duo or Heero would have stopped the kiss, pulled away, and smiled at each other sort of dreamily. Today was different though, Duo found himself wanting more, he was ready for this.

"Can I?" He whispered to Heero and tugged lightly on his shirt. Heero looked up at him inquisitively and nodded his head. Duo remembers his thoughts during those moment of undressing Heero, and being undressed by Heero, clearly. He was thinking about how beautiful Heero was at that moment, at any moment. Thinking back, he feels guilty because Wufei was completely out of his mind, even though he hadn't been since the day he left.

He thought about how right it finally was.

Most of all he thought about the hand sliding over his erection and fingering his balls.

Yeah that's pretty much what was occupying his mind at the moment.

He loved how it felt to have his skinall his skinon Heero's. He wonders if they looked beautiful together like a painting, or someones fantasy. While Duo's skin isn't pale, it is considerably lighter than Heero's, it looks good together. Or at least, Duo thinks so, from what he can see.

He puts his hand against Heero's to check one more time. Then resumes thinking of their previous night together.

He feels his cock coming to life at the thought of Heero's pretty lips tickling his skin, and his lean, calloused fingers ghosting along it as well.

Nothing, though, could compare to being inside of Heero.

For one thing, he was tight, hot and wonderful. For another, it meant he trusted him, it meant he wasn't going to try to control Duo in bed.

Duo almost moans, but bites his lip for fear of waking Heero.

Even though that could be a good thing.

It was heaven when he heard Heero moan his name softly, and it was hell when he had to hold back from screaming Heero's name at the top of his lungs because he didn't want Heero to think he was too loud and bedgod that would just make Heero's day when he realized it sometime after Duo stopped fucking him into the couch. It would just make his day to have been rightnot to mention the fact that it probably would have damaged his lungs. Yeah, it would have been that loud. Yeah, the feelings were just that strong.

Fuck this, Duo thinks, I'm waking him up.

XxXx

When the phone rings it shatters the peace of Heero and Duo sprawled out on the bed together with Heero checking over Duo's self-inflicted cut.

"It seems like it's healing well. I can't stand to look at it, Duo."

"Well then don't." Duo says, but he keeps most of the annoyance out of his voice just because he loves Heero that much. Fucking sap, he thinks to himself. That's about as sappy as Duo likes to get. Well, that is if and when he can help it. It's hard when you've finally gotten the person you've been waiting for for so long.

That's when the phone rings.

Duo sighs and gets up to answer it because Heero just looks so _good_ lying there on the bed that he doesn't want to disrupt that.

"Yyyello." Duo says, and smiles as Heero rolls his eyes.

"Duo?"

Fuck. In a good way. Hopefully. "Fei? Wufei?" Duo tries not to use Wufei's nickname because that might piss him off and make him hang up. This is definitely Wufei on the phone.

There's an uncomfortable silence, so Duo feels he has to say something. "Where are you? 'Fei...Wufei...We want you to come back. We really"

"I'm not coming back." Wufei replies flatly. "At least not for awhile. I don't want to be involved with something like that yet, I'm not ready."

"It's wrong then?"

"That's not what I meant. I'm not ready to come into a relationship with two people who love each other like you two do. I don't want to be that third wheel. I'm just not ready to go through that."

Duo grips the phone and desperately searches for the right words to say, the words that will magically make Wufei understand that that's what they're going to try so hard to have _not_ happen. Those magic words will hold the power to change Wufei's heart and make him come home.

"You have to understand, Duo, that love isn't as easy for some people." Wufei tells him, in a gentler voice. "Some things aren't as simple as we'd like to think."

"Yeah, I guess not."

"I'm going to Earth for awhile. Une has an apartment ready for me, and they need more help there then they do here anyway. It's easier then having me travel back and forth...I just wanted to be the one to tell you I guess."

"I guess it would have been worse to find out from someone else." Duo agrees.

"Quatre said that to me."

Duo sighs, not even bothering to ask when they talked or how Quatre knew. Either way, that doesn't seem too important right now. "I'm sorry, Wufei, for what it's worth. I'm sorry things are so fucking fucked."

Wufei laughs quietly and tells Duo, "There's nothing to be sorry for." He's quiet for a minute before saying "Goodbye, Duo."

"Goodbye, Wufei." The phone clicks off and all Duo's hears is the silence, and if sorrow had a sound he's sure he'd be hearing that as well. He hopes that this goodbye doesn't mean forever. After all, Wufei did say he might come back one day.

Maybe by then he'll be ready.

Who knows, maybe by then they'll all be ready, because god knows maybe they really aren't ready to take on something as big as this, when they haven't even been able to take on the smallest of challenges before.

Maybe by then all three of them will be a little more stable.

Heero and Duo are learning together, and Wufei needs to learn alone. Kind of like old times when you think about it.

XxXx

Duo finds himself opening up more in therapy. Mostly about Wufei. He doesn't really like to talk about himself or his relationship with Heero because that he wants to keep close to his heart and away from the rest of the world. At least for awhile now. It's nice to be able to hold something inside yourself, something like this, and have it all to yourself. It makes him feel like he's in his own little world with just him and Heero.

He tells his therapist about Wufei, about how he felt about him, and also all of his own theories about Wufei and his actions.

He has come to no concrete conclusions thus far, but he hopes to eventually, if not in the near future.

XxXx

Duo's a little surprised when Trowa answers the phone instead of Quatre.

"Hello?"

"Tro?"

"Duo? Hey, how have you been?"

There's an awkward silence. Duo knows that Trowa knows what happened. He also knows that there's no easy way for either one of them to bring it up, so he just pretends like nothing happened. Besides, for some reason Duo feels inexplicably embarrassed about what happened. Rejection is always somehow embarrassing no matter the circumstances.

"I've been ok I guess. Hey, we missed you, Quatre said you had a mission or something. Jesus, that sounds so...I still can't get used to saying that."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Sorry I couldn't make it, another time, right?"

"Sounds good. So, is there any chance Quatre's around? I know he's probably working, but I just thought I'd try. It is a weekend after all, but with Quatre that usually doesn't mean a thing."

"Nah, he's home today. Lately he's been trying to actually take weekends off. Amazing, huh?"

"Yeah, amazing."

Trowa tells Duo to hold on for a second while he goes to get Quatre, which gives Duo time to think that that had to have been one of the most awkward conversations he's had in awhile.

"Duo?"

"Heey Quat, how's it going?"

"It's ok..." Quatre says slowly. "How's it going for you?"

"Ok I guess, except we did recently get this one really strange phone call that's sort of linked to you."

"Wufei called you then?"

"Damn, Quat! When did you become psychic, if only you'd had those powers during the war, we really could have used them."

"There's no need to get hostile Duo..."

"Quatre, why didn't you tell us you were talking to Wufei? Why didn't you tell us he was going to earth?"

"It wasn't my place. If you were in Wufei's position would you want me relaying the information back to him or Heero."

"No," Duo replies sullenly. "Actually, knowing me I probably would have in the back of my mind."

"Wouldn't you rather have called and told them instead?"

"I guess so."  
"Please understand, I don't want to get in the middle of all this, but you guys are my friends and I'm here to listen when asked. What would you guys do without me anyway?"

"Probably have a lot more deep rooted issues to work through. Since I'd have no one to talk to, I'd become as repressed as the others, and they'd be even worse off."

"True, true." Quatre laughs.

"So based on any conversations you had with him, do you think there's a chance Wufei might eventually reconsider?"

"Yeah, I do. But you can't pressure him."

"Can't scare him away, right?"

"Right." Quatre affirms. "And just one other piece of advice, don't have expectations. Just live your life and don't think about it all the time. You may be surprised."

"I'll try." Duo says, "Bye, Quat."

"Take care, Duo"

XxXx

"That really has to stop." Heero says, pulling Duo's hand away from his hair.

"I can't help it," Duo says, "I do it when I'm upset."

"You're upset?" Heero searched Duo's face carefully, "What's wrong? Are you thinking about Wufei again?"

"Well yeah!" Duo cries, "Aren't you?"

Heero nods. "But it's been a week Duo, and it's going to take a lot more time. You have to be patient and not obsess over this. He needs his space and you know it."

"I know," Duo says, his hand automatically going up to tug at his hair.

Heero catches the hand again and holds it. "You and your hands and your hair." He sighs.

Duo grins, "It's part of my charm!"

"Sometimes." Heero smiles. "Most of your charm comes from being completely and utterly beautiful."

"Same to you, Yuy." Duo chuckles and runs a hand through Heero's messy bangs.

"God I love you," Heero whispers, and Duo has never felt better in his life. Love is better than any medicine or drug, love is realer too.

"Love you too." Duo whispers.

Heero leans forward to kiss his lips and Duo knows exactly what's going to happen next. He smiles against Heero's lips.

TBC

The next chapter will be the last I think. Thank you all for reading and reviewing this. It's helped me along so much. I didn't want to drag this story out which is why it'll be ending in a chapter. This will be my first lengthly, completed fic and I'm proud of it. Once this is finished I'll either be able to focus on another story or my original work.


	20. chapter 20

It's amazing how minutes can turn into hours, and hours into days. It's even more amazing when those days turn into months, and those months to years. Amazing and terrifying and heartbreaking and beautiful, especially when you stop to think about it. When you really stop to think about it and feel it.

Sometimes Duo wants to stop whatever it is he's doing and feel time passing by, so maybe he can capture the moment and find himself living. Really living. Once in awhile he'll stop whatever it is he's doing to just think _hey, I'm here right now. I'm me. This is who I am right now, and one day, eventually, I will be far from this me, from this moment._

He tries not to do this at certain times, even though a lot of times those are the moments he wants to feel that in. He tries not to do it when he and Heero are making love even though those are times that he so desperately wants to feel, to hold onto.

Anything to do with Heero makes him want to stop.

Because for once Heero really makes him feel.

Sometimes when he's alone, like when he goes out into the backyard to lay out a blanket, stretch out, and stare up at the starts that he still cherishes so much, he thinks about all the things that he used to use to make him feel real. None of it even comes close. None of it can compare. He laughs when he thinks about it.

When Heero isn't out there with him, laying under the sky, he usually watches Duo from the window. Duo's not aware of this, and Heero likes that he doesn't know because one of his favorite things to do is to watch Duo when he thinks no one's looking. He's a lot less nervous when he thinks no one's looking.

Heero loves when Duo lays down all his defenses and just let's himself exist. He loves when Duo does this because when Duo lets down his defenses, Heero does too. Heero has never had that sort of freedom before. The sort of freedom that allows you to build up and tear down your defenses whenever you choose. To let the people around you in or to block them out. Before, all he knew was how to block them out, but now he's learning to let them in, and there's so much power to that. He never would have imagined it before.

He tries to explain this to Duo whenever he can, but it's easier to keep it inside himself. It's easier to understand it that way. It's easier to experience it that way. Duo sort of takes this freedom for granted, but that probably has to do with the fact that, despite all his misgivings about love and letting other people in, he's always been better at it then Heero.

Or, at least, Heero thinks so. If he told Duo that he'd probably be given a weird look by Duo, and he's pretty sure Duo would argue with him as well.

There are so many more things Heero would love to tell Duo, but he's not really in a rush since there's so much time to do so. There's still so much time for them to get to know each other. There's still so much to discover. He's learned from the war that life can slip away at any moment and there isn't always time, but somehow he still feels safe. He's still in no rush.

XxXx

Wufei is still living on Earth, this Duo knows. Wufei is still working for Preventers, this Duo knows. Wufei is still alive, this Duo is fairly sure of. Wufei is alone, this Duo has a strong suspicion of.

Sometimes he forgets what Wufei's voice sounds like, but other times Duo can hear him loud and clear inside of his head. Usually he hears his voice when he's whispering ideas for books in his head, when he's whispering to Duo the right thing for his character to say.

"He must be your muse then," Heero tells him, and Duo wants to tell Heero that he's his muse as well because what other word is there to describe the things Duo wants to write when he thinks of Heero? He wants to write for Heero as well as himself. If he can't imagine Heero liking it, then it isn't good enough.

He wants Heero to fall in love with him all over again every time he reads his writing.

Writing is one of the only real windows to Duo's soul, and he wants Heero to know that without actually telling him. He wants Heero to figure it out on his own. He wants Heero to figure things out about him through these books rather then telling Heero himself. Duo likes it that way better, and he has this feeling that Heero does too.

Playing the subtle game is challenging and fun.

When they go to sleep at night, when they hold each other in bed, and Duo's face is pressed into Heero's dark, messy, lovely, wonderful, hair, he likes to whisper all the things that are going through his mind. He hopes it'll go through Heero's hair, through his scalp, through his skull, and into his mind, and then maybe, if the words are strong enough to make the journey, they'll end up in his heart.

Talking about Wufei, the past...everything...has gotten easier.

"It shouldn't bother me this much. It's not like we were ever together...Am I making too much of a big deal over this? Being upset and all?" Duo asks Heero after he's woken him up in the middle of the night because he couldn't stop tossing and turning with all these questions running through his mind.

"It's alright," Heero says sleepily, "You're not being unreasonable. You..._we_ both felt strongly for him, and whether or not we were _in_ love with him, we did love him."

"It tears me up whenever I think about fucking hurting him, you know?"

Heero nods drowsily. "I know."

"I mean, I know for sure I could love him if he were here with us now. I love being with you, I love having you all to myself, but it's like somethings missing and I'm not sure what since I've never had it before. There shouldn't be a hole because nothing was ever there to fill it in the first place!"

"Duo..."

"My head hurts." Duo presses his hands onto his forehead and moans. "Just make this go away. I can't stand the confusion anymore. Why won't he fucking come back?"  
"He'll come back if and when he's ready."

"He doesn't have to even _be_ with us or anything. I just want to see him again, be his friend again. God 'Ro, I don't want to lose him as a friend."

"You won't." Heero says, and this time he sounds fully awake. His voice is firm and confident, and Duo's oddly comforted. Heero did live with him for awhile after all. He did sleep with him after all, and with Wufei that's got to count for _something_. Maybe.

They get some information about Wufei through Quatre and Trowa--whom Duo has connected with again. Finally--just the basics, though. He's doing ok. Working too much as usual, socializing too little as usual. Une worries, as usual, but Wufei doesn't let her get involved. He keeps pretty much everyone, including old colleagues and friends, at arms length. Other then that he seems to be in good health, hasn't started losing weight, doesn't seem depressed, is still alive and kicking, gets angry with fellow workers.

Getting angry at his fellow workers proves the fact that he's "alive and kicking" since there's really no better way to tell with Wufei.

Quatre says that Wufei always asks how they're doing. At first he asked without really, well, asking. He used round about questions, which Quatre understood and gave his own round about answers to. After awhile, though, Wufei stopped beating around the bush and would ask straight out how they were doing.

When Duo talks to Quatre or Trowa on the phone he likes to wander around the house and read them some of his random writings off the pages that he tapes/tacks/sticks up all over the walls. He was worried at first that Heero would complain that it looked bad, or at least warn him to make sure that it didn't look bad, but he never did. He just smiled, and Duo always caught him reading, re-reading, his work. When he made Heero smile, he felt extra happy inside, especially when the writing was completely depressing.

Besides his writing, Duo and Heero decided to decorate their house with momentous of things they've done. They have shells with beautiful, light colors--sometimes the colors are so light that you can barely see them--like pink, and shells with streaks of blue running through. Duo has a dead Sand Crab from the the habitat he made in a bucket. He'd found it at the bottom when he was dumping everything out and back into the ocean. They have only one necklace with pukka shells because the other broke and all the shells went flying, scattered across the floor in the airport, and before Duo or Heero could bend down to pick them up, most of them were already being crushed by people's feet.

They have stained glass in a million different places because it became a hobby to both of them. A shared interest, activity, between them. Duo had convinced Heero to sit down and pick something to learn how to do with him, and they decided to learn how to make stained glass. Duo had found he was mesmerized by the beautiful colors and designs. The fact that some of his best memories of the church that he'd lived in as a child only fueled his interest in the stained glass. Whenever he saw it he thought of the first moments he'd walked into the church and taken it in, seeing the lovely stained glass windows with biblical figures in the designs.

It had taken some time to learn, but with practice they'd both grown used to it, and now it helped to brighten up the house.

XxXx

It's New Years Eve, and it's the first New Years Eve party that they'll be hosting in their house. It's going to be a small affair, and god knows how they managed that. Heero was convinced that Relena wasn't going to stand for a gathering between close friends. He figured she'd probably have to attend a huge party and want them all to join her.

He was wrong.

In fact, Relena had been thrilled to escape the masses and wanted a nice, quiet New Years among friends.

Quatre, who had posed the same threat, had also been eager to spend the holidays at Duo and Heero's house. He told them it would be a nice change from hosting and attending huge, overblown, events. Needless to say, Trowa preferred it too, and that alone was enough for Quatre.

There aren't many other people on their "guest list". Relena is the reason that a couple people are coming. Well, actually, that isn't true as much anymore. Over the years they've become friendlier with Dorothy and Zechs, simply because they'd been other people to relate to since they hated the charity events, banquets, balls, parties and all the other social events that came from being friends/family/associates with Relena Peacecraft.

Noin was coming along with them, but Duo's considered her a friend longer than he has Zechs and Dorothy. While Noin and Zechs still aren't married, they've been together from quite some time, and are thinking about having a child soon. Duo isn't sure if this means they'll be considering marriage too, but either way he thinks they're good together.

Trowa had asked if his sister Catherine could come, and Duo had instantly agreed since he'd met Cathy a few times, and she was sweet once she forgave Quatre for taking Trowa away from the circus. She's still been wary of him after the war, but her grudge had long since faded.

Duo was immensely pleased that Hilde had agreed to come. He'd called her thinking _what the heck? _ And to his surprise she'd agreed. Part of the reason he was so crazy about getting everything perfect was to show her that he'd gotten his life together and it was going pretty darn well. She asked if she could bring her fiance, and Duo had said yes without hesitation.

He was damn proud of himself, and it was easy to not be worried about meeting Hilde's fiance when right behind him when he hung up the phone was a handsome ex-soldier named Heero Yuy who happened to be smiling right at him.

In the days before the party it had seemed like there was more than two people living in the house, what with all the bustling about. It seemed impossible to Duo that he could hear Heero vacuuming in the next room, and then suddenly he was behind him putting up more decorations.

"Aw fuck Heero! What are we gonna do for dinner?" Duo sighed.

"Isn't anyone bringing anything? I'm sure they'd be happy to..."

"Nah, I want it to be _our_ holiday, but Jesus, what the fuck are we gonna do?"

"I'll handle it. Don't worry about it." Heero gave Duo a slow, languid smile.

"What are you planning?"

"It's a surprise." The smile remained plastered on Heero's face.

So now tonight, Duo hasn't been allowed in the kitchen at _all_ and he really wants to see what the hell Heero's making since he's had this impression that Heero's a great cook ever since the day he made him pancakes. He's grown used to a cooking Heero, but never grown tired.

The door bell rings and Duo jumps up to get the door, braid flying behind him as he runs towards the door.

"Tro!"

"Duo," Trowa grins, and Duo throws his arms around the taller boy.

"Hey, I don't want to break this up but aren't I going to be greeted?" Quatre and Catherine walks up behind Trowa, smiling and carrying bags full of things that certainly smell like dessert.

"Quat!" Duo laughs and greets Quatre cheerfully. "So, what's in the bag?"

"Um...Well, we got a ton of cookies and stuff in here," He holds up the bag in his left hand, "and in this one," he holds up his right, "we got a cheesecake and a chocolate cake."

"Aw, fuck yes!" Duo shouts, and grabs the bags. "Come on in you guys. Heero's in the kitchen, but he'll probably be out in a sec."

Duo takes another sip of champagne and looks around the room. He's full, and warm, and completely and utterly content. It's really nice to look around the room and see it full of people who care about you and who you care about. It could just be the champagne talking, but there's a burst of warmth in his stomach and he's light headed and mind-blowingly happy.

Everyones in the living room, stuffed from Heero's dinner that was practically suited for Thanksgiving except for the lack of Pumpkin Pie and icky gelatin stuff that somehow always ends up on the table. There was chicken, cornmeal stuffing, a creamy soup with a blend of vegetables, salmon and pesto (which really does taste delicious together) and, of course, the desserts that Trowa, Quatre, and Catherine brought.

Hilde and her fiance, Devin, are cuddling up on the big chair near the TV, while Catherine and Dorothy are stretched out on the floor, pillows underneath them, watching the usual New Years insanity that goes on in New York. Quatre and Trowa are on the couch together, not looking at the TV, but at each other. They keep bursting out laughing even though they're not saying a word.

Duo thinks maybe there will be a point when he and Heero can tell each other jokes without even saying at word. Telepathy could be kind of cool if used for good.

Relena, Zechs, Noin, and Heero have just brought out coffee are are sipping it at the coffee table in the center of the room. Heero starts to get up when he sees Duo looking at him, but then he notices that the balls begining to drop, and suddenly the doorbell rings. The sound is loud and shrill to Duo because he's been so lost in this quiet musing.

"I'll get it, you guys just stay where you are." He says to Duo, Quatre, and Relena who all begin to shift and stand up.

He heads to the door, wondering if maybe someone's car broke down or something weird. Like maybe they're going to have to deliver a baby or something and have a really cool New Years story to tell forever. It could be a movie. Or better yet it could be a book. As prepared as Duo is for all these strange things to happen, he isn't prepared for what is actually there.

As Duo opens the door and sees who's standing there, a flash of all the people that are sitting inside his living room now goes through his mind. Along with that there's a flash of everything that's been wrong and everything that's been missing. As he opens the door and sees a ghost from a past that in time was not so long ago, but in events and emotions was decades ago, Duo realizes that everything is going to be alright.

"Hey, 'Fei, how you been?" He says, opening the door wider and stepping back to let Wufei inside.

End

It's finally finished dances FINALLY! Sorry it took so darn long. I was nervous that it would suck, and I've been busy with English project, packing for Israel (am going in two days) and just with life in general, but I made it a top priority to finish the fic.

In any case, some of you may be mad that I didn't go into the end more, but this was how I've been wanting to end it for a long time. I just wanted Wufei to come back and to have you think about how their lives turned out. In my mind the three of them try to work something out between them, but it doesn't always come easily. Other people may want to imagine it that he's just back as friends, hell, maybe he even met someone new. I wanted it slightly ambiguous, but in a way that could easily be interpreted as a happy ending :D

Thank you so much for all your support! My account being deleted was so discouraging. I'm so proud to have actually completed this. I had such a great time writing this story and getting so much feedback on it. Hope you all liked it 3

"To let Wufei inside" can be taken any way you want.

Jace


End file.
